Possible Diagnosis

I blog a bunch in the beginning of the new year and it takes me nearly a month to get it together again to add another entry! In my defense, it has been pretty hectic around here. I cannot go into too much detail on some things yet, but I can in other areas at least.


If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you know I have been having bad stomach issues since October of 2014. I had a sensitive stomach growing up, but it went way down hill then. I had my gall bladder removed, multiple tests at multiple doctors (primary ones, two gastroenterologists, and a rheumatologist) and still no answers. Medications helped some, but I was still having awful stomach attacks every four to six weeks with no explanation.


Well, we may finally have one.


My rheumatologist gave me some blood work results in November that he said he wasn't too concerned about but I should show to another doctor I was seeing just in case. Well, in December that doctor looked at it and went, "Um, no. Not normal. Definitely a problem." The possible verdict?


Subclinical Hypothyroidism.


My TSH (thyroid hormones) were at a 10.67 when the normal range is around 2-3. My thyroid antibodies were also super, super high. The norm is between 4 and 32.... mine were at 464. I was started on 100mcg of Synthroid within 24 hours and referred to an endocrinologist that day. My first appointment with the endocrinologist will be this Friday, so I am hoping we finally can fix this thing once and for all. I will most likely be on Synthroid the rest of my life, but hopefully we can lower the levels once my blood work balances out again.


The one doctor thinks that's why my stomach was so messed up, apparently metabolism and hormones and all sorts of other things can get screwy. It also adds to the tiredness, cold, and many other things. I did have to step away from Google, but fingers crossed we finally get somewhere with this.


The other goodish news is that I am transferring in my job. I currently work at the reference desk at the Main Library (which I do like don't get me wrong) but I will be moving over to the Research Library within the next month or so. The big perk to this will be a much more steady schedule and.... they're closed weekends! Hallelujah! As of right now I am working half and half (including some weekends), but once they hire another person I will be at the branch library permanently. It is also much quieter, a different sort of patron, and a definite change of pace I am looking forward too.


Hopefully I will be able to update with more shortly. Until then, thanks (as always) for sticking with me.

Cha-Cha

source (via microsoft publisher)

“Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.”

― Robert Brault

I am trying to be an optimist. I am trying to take my two steps forward, one step backward and make it into a cha-cha... but man it isn't easy. 

I know the importance of goodness and positivity. I just feel like every time I take a step forward lately I take two backwards. No stomach attack for six weeks? Let’s have three in four days and put her in the Emergency Room twice. Fertility cycle successfully tracked and used? Let’s have her period arrive two days earlier than anticipated and with a vengeance. Cast in a dream role in a Shakespeare play? Let’s have her work her ass off to have it cancelled at the last minute. Add in some stresses I choose not to blog about, stupid doctors who give me a snap diagnosis and tell me I should be on antidepressants to see if they help anything (when I am not depressed regardless of all this going on) just makes me want to hit something. I am not clinically depressed. I can laugh, I can feel happiness and joy and I am not in a fog of sadness and hurt hours a day. I am not sad. I am not depressed.

I am frustrated. There is a huge difference. 

Sometimes my frustration brings me to tears because that is my body’s uncontrolled physical response. But more often than not, I am just me. I don't dwell on these things all the time. I am how I always have been. I don't know how else to put it. I have been in that horrible fog before, my teenage years especially... I know the difference and how important mental health is to people. But I will not just take medication because one doctor who has spent five minutes with me and sees my medical issues happening and thinks I should, even if just as "preventative maintenance" because it is "only a matter of time at this rate."

Seriously?

So, as you can tell from my ranting things have not been easy around these parts lately. I cannot believe I naively expected to get pregnant as soon as I stopped taking my birth control over a year ago. I cannot believe I thought having my gall bladder removed would fix my stomach issues and make me normal again. I cannot believe certain things happen. I cannot believe I am officially the "someone else" certain things happen to, but never to you person. I mentioned in my 2014 Retrospect post how hard of a year it was and 2015 can only be better.... well I was wrong. Different sorts of awful can happen and be just as hard if not harder. Sometimes that makes me wish I was a kid again, this adult stuff is for the birds. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe October, November and December will be better...

All I can say is, I am working on my cha-cha as much as a rhythmically challenged girl can. 

All Over the Place

Time has been a tricky thing for me lately. With Ryan in cycle and me back at work it feels like there isn't really a set schedule for anything anymore... it's strange. I am now almost six weeks post op and feeling much better. On two occasions (naturally at four in the morning) my stomach rebelled something and I was up and sick for awhile and then off kilter for a few days, but I am just watching what I eat and going from there. Red meat and I may never have the same relationship, which kind of stinks. I only seem to handle the very expensive ground beef or burgers (93% or 97%), but roast beef, steak and anything else is a no go. I guess I can live with that.

Ryan is now in his second cycle as a combat instructor and this one is much better than the first (which was his training cycle). We still have periods of time where we don't see each other for a few days but there are those wonderful few that we get to hang out and spend some time together. After this cycle he will have some time on a normal work schedule since the busy season for SOI is over, which I am looking forward to.

I've been doing a lot of meal prepping on my days off, trying to cook lunches and dinners for the week for two people and doing the laundry and cleaning and grocery shopping; let's just say I remember days off being more relaxing than they have been as of late! Sometimes I feel like he is deployed again, but instead of maintaining a house and a life for just me it is for him too. He ghosts in exhausted; eats, showers and sleeps, and is gone again long before I wake up. I try to keep food in the fridge and the laundry clean and the house not a total disaster. I try not to get frustrated when mud tracks across the floor I just vacuumed or the laundry pile magically reappears as soon as I fold the last load, but it isn't easy. Not trying to complain by any means, I'd rather have him home in this capacity instead of deployed, but it can be exhausting at times trying to keep all the plates spinning.

Besides that my poor blog has been suffering for the past year or so. The community I was welcomed into years ago has drastically changed. I never have been one to blog for profit or into the business side of things, but I wonder if I missed out by not doing that. All the bloggers I started out with have pretty much stopped blogging. My readership is way down, comments and page views alike, and it is a bit depressing. I unfortunately do not have the time (and truth be told motivation) to go on a social media blitz or do some of the other things that extend into uber readership. I remember when blogging was more about sharing your story and personal relationships than networking and graphs and such. It's intimidating. I see blogs with thousands and thousands of followers and almost feel dizzy! That's a lot of pressure! Sometimes I think, I want to blog about this! but before I know it a week or two or three has passed and I have no idea what happened. How have I not come back to the space that was once my ultimate sanity?

I know this is all over the place... but I am still here. I am still trying to find my voice and write it down.

I hope you're still here too.

Gall Bladder

So it has been over a week since I finally had my gall bladder removed and I am finally feeling up to blogging a bit about it. My recovery has been pretty crappy so far.... bad nausea and lack of appetite (sound familiar) have plagued me since the Super Bowl and I have been pretty miserable. Today marks the first day I put on jeans and ventured out of the house (to the grocery store) in almost two weeks.

Back to last Wednesday, the 28th, when I had the actual surgery. I was supposed to be there at 9am with the surgery at 11am. Anytime I have surgery I have bad luck with timing. The night before they call me and tell me not to come in until 1:30pm due to back ups in the OR with a surgery at 2:45. Goody. Especially when you can't eat or drink after midnight! My mom flew in the night before and we had a nice dinner at Olive Garden together before heading home. Ryan surprised the heck out of both of us when he managed to get off work for my surgery. We were convinced the SDA meant it was impossible but I was glad he was able to be there. So we get to the hospital around 1:30pm and the wait begins.

We waited and waited and long story short I didn't get into the OR until almost 4:30 that afternoon. Sigh. I was pretty hungry and thirsty by that point. I sat in a room with my mom and Ryan and watched TV for a few hours as we waited and once it is go time it is GO TIME. I felt like we were waiting for ages and suddenly I was kissing them goodbye and getting wheeled up the hall. I vaguely remember seeing the OR and then... nothing. My next conscious (and quite embarrassing) memory is waking up in recovery sobbing. I mean full on sob fest. My throat was scratchy from the tube and obviously my midsection hurt and I just remember sobbing my heart out and apologizing to the recovery nurses for sobbing. 

Ugh.

I was supposed to have an outpatient surgery but because it started so late the surgery center closed and they wheeled me into the actual hospital for the rest of my recovery. We thought that meant a few hours but then they mentioned keeping me overnight and that was exactly what happened.

My goals were simple... drink, pee, walk and eat. I couldn't go home until all of those were done. I was horribly itchy and in pain so they had me on morphine, then percocet and benadryl as I drank a ton of water. Ryan eventually had to go home since he had to be at work at the crack of dawn but my mom stayed with me. Actually when Ryan left they hadn't mentioned keeping me all night yet and he was quite surprised when he woke up the next morning and I wasn't there.

I had a nice view of the sunrise from my bed at least? It was a long night. I hate hospitals and my poor mom was in a chair... they didn't offer her anything more comfortable until about four am and at that point she didn't want to bother. I did eventually walk and use the bathroom... and when I did I nearly fell over. Blood pouring out of your bellybutton will do that to you. Apparently that's normal after my surgery so a well placed bandaid stopped that problem. Ugh. I finally ate breakfast in the morning and to my surprise my husband walked in as I was eating oatmeal and jello. Work let him go since I was still in the hospital. We eventually got discharged and I was able to go home by 8am or so. We all basically went straight to bed and slept until midafternoon.

I spent the next day or two on pain meds on the couch watching Friends on Netflix while my mom cooked and cleaned and was awesome just helping us out.

The Dup was a little put out at having to share her couch at first but she quickly became my snuggle buddy.

 

 As you can see she just squirmed right in between my mom and I and made due. At 90lbs, give or take, this is no easy task for a Dup!

My view.... she is cute luckily!

And the Dup loves her Granny, my mom, so they snuggled a lot too.

Saturday, the night before my mom left I started feeling nauseous. Saturday we went to the store and I was eating normally but sore... Sunday the nausea was worse. I barely ate all day before taking her to the airport and I was feeling awful by the time I got home. I got on the couch with the Dup to watch the Super Bowl but she wasn't too interested....

By halftime Ryan was home and I felt awful. Before the third quarter started I was throwing up and Ryan was giving me medicine and dragging me into bed to go to sleep. The next four or five days were miserable. I was on anti nausea medicine like crazy and eating nothing but fruit and toast and light bland things and just trying to stay hydrated. I went back to my doctor and they basically said it had only been a week post op and to give it more time. Very frustrating. Finally today I am feeling a little better. Good enough to at least put on jeans and go to the grocery store. I am still taking it easy and watching what I eat, but here is to hoping I am finally on the up and up.

Adios Gall Bladder. You will so not be missed. Here is to hoping I can have my long awaited cheeseburger soon. Really soon.

Training Cycle 1 and Life Goes On

As many of you know, my husband recently began his new job as a combat instructor with MCT (Marine Combat Training) as part of SOI East (School of Infantry). We are well in to his first training cycle and things have definitely been an adjustment. The hours are crazy, some nights he doesn't come home at all (and I have my trusty 9 mil on standby) and when he does the poor guy eats, showers and sleeps. He is definitely exhausted and I am trying my best to help where I can. I make his coffee, grab snacks and things for him when I can, have the house clean and leftovers in the fridge, and I try and keep the noise level down when he is home and asleep. It is weird after how much time we spent together lately that we barely see each other any more, most of that time is just sleeping, and he is usually too busy to even answer a text during the day. Training cycles are 29 days straight, so we still have a bit left to go in this first cycle, but hopefully with each cycle things will get a little easier. I know Ryan is pretty worn out already so here is to hoping things get better on his end too.

I finally had my pre-op appointment on Wednesday for my gallbladder removal. I met with the nurse, anesthesiologist and got blood work done. In between my meetings with each of them my doctor's office called me. I listened to the voicemail and they basically were saying there was a scheduling problem and they were wondering if I could push my surgery back until February 4th. Oh. Heck. NO. I was literally AT my pre-op appointment! Since Ryan cannot take leave my mom is flying in to take care of me. I am already scheduled for the time off work and the surgery is a week away! The surgery THEY scheduled back in MID DECEMBER.

Needless to say I was not happy.

I called them back and basically told them no... I could not switch. I mentioned my mom was flying in, ticket already booked, and it was not possible for me to reschedule. The nurse said "Ok, we will see what we can do. We just wanted to check with you and see if it was possible."

Well, it isn't.

I have been sick since October. I waited a month to get a diagnosis. When I finally did get one I had to wait another month to even see a surgeon. Then when I finally saw him I had to wait a week for them to schedule the surgery. Then I had to wait another five weeks for said surgery. Meanwhile I have been sick this entire time. I have altered my diet, I have endured gallbladder attacks, been nauseous nonstop, missed out on holidays and delicious food with my family, ruined date nights, been throwing up/nauseous/in pain/on medicines and I am DONE. There is no way I am switching my surgery when I am a week away from it... even if it is only by another week. Sorry. Done.

Anyway, I am working this weekend and Monday and Tuesday. My mom flies in Tuesday night and then Wednesday morning is my surgery. If anything changes that the hospital will have one angry patient on their hands! I may sound ridiculous right now, but I am so tired of not feeling well. I really hope this surgery works. I want to be able to eat again without being worried it will make me horrendously sick. I miss cheeseburgers. I miss just ordering whatever I want at a restaurant. I miss having the ability to cook anything and eat anything without fear of getting horribly nauseous or throwing up. I really, really hope this works.

Send some good vibes my way if you can!

New Year's

Since we spent Christmas at home on our own we decided to spend New Year's with my family at their house in the mountains. I was really looking forward to a few days off and spending time with my family, so naturally five hours into the six and a half hour drive I get hit with a vicious gallbladder attack. I was instantly horribly nauseous and for the first time in some serious pain all across my back and stomach. I was worried I wasn't even going to make it to my parents' house without being sick so I was taking my zofran and trying to close my eyes and hope I made it. The thing with my gallbladder attacks has always been if I actually throw up it continues in that vein for days and days, so I was really hoping to avoid that. We eventually made it to the mountains and less than a mile from my parents' house it started to snow. It was gorgeous even in the dark. We made it and I sat up with my mom a bit (who plied me with more stomach medicines she had) before we went to sleep. The next day, New Year's Eve, we woke up to a beautiful dusting of snow.

 

And I still felt awful.

I laid on the couch (mistake 1) to nap on and off. My mom and Ryan went to the Cherokee Casino to do some gambling and have lunch and I knew I was in trouble when even that didn't want to entice me to get off the couch. I took a bath in the amazing bath tub at the house and still felt awful. We planned to go out to a fancy dinner that evening and as I sat up to get ready the pain that shot through my stomach and back was enough to make me sob like a five year old. So no dinner for me. We had reservations, and I felt terrible messing everything up, and was trying to get everyone to go. Ryan insisted on staying home with me and my parents and brother went for the dinner. Since they had made reservations and it was price fixed people had to go or pay anyway. It turned out the dinner wasn't that great and they got some BBQ for Ryan and came home with that later on.

 

I sat up on the couch and dozed all evening. Laying down apparently is a big no no during an attack (at least for me now) and my mom said she had the same problems. We all watched the ball drop at midnight and I went to bed drugged up and sick. New Year's Day I sat up on the couch all day barely moving. We watched football and I napped on and off before going to bed early.

 

Happy New Year, right?

 

Friday I was finally feeling better, I managed to eat a bit and shower and my mom and I even ventured out of the house. She took me to get my nails done and the color was a bit darker than I normally get but I love it. It is the shellac (no tips, my natural nails but the gel over it) so my nails still look great a week later.

 

 

I also discovered my eighteen year old brother can do hair better than I can. He did an elaborate braid for me one day when I was feeling a little better and it was way nicer than anything I can do! Apparently his girl friends all taught him how.

 

 

The rest of the weekend I wasn't up for much but I was up and moving. Stefan and Ryan got some guy time too. Mainly to watch football and talk Marine Corps stuff and working out... things like that. My family also celebrated a late Christmas together and we exchanged gifts one afternoon. My parents got us some much needed lotions and perfume/colognes, ornaments, candy, and some things from my grandparents like a knitted hat from my Babci.

Frick and Frack watching football

Ryan and my dad hiked a lot and took the Dup with them. I think out of any of us the Dup had the absolute best time. I swear my dog is part billy goat, she can climb straight up the side of a mountain like it is nothing! My dad took her to the ski slope one morning and she happily dragged him over the ice in excitement.

One of the days when I felt better Ryan insisted I go with him and the Dup on an easy walk. I wanted to get out of the house so I went, and it started raining naturally. We were all bundled up and under my parents' large umbrella but we had a wonderful time. The Dup climbed straight up and down the sides of the mountain and even jumped into the freezing mountain stream regardless of the fact it  was absolutely freezing!

 

Rylie was more concerned that we stopped than anything.

On a rock after hiking with Ryan and my dad.

Part mountain goat, part Dup.

Ryan managed to take some gorgeous pictures of their hikes and the scenery too since I wasn't exactly up and able to most of the time.

 

The creek that goes through my parents' back yard.

 

Part of a very difficult hike I did not go on! Ryan, my dad, and the Dup did

 

Yes, she climbed all the way up (and down) there by herself and absolutely loved it!

 

Dup on a log

The days I spent feeling better went by too fast. We went out for sushi one night all together and had a really great time. Lots of football was watched, Frozen was watched (since my mom had never seen it and got it for Christmas) and all too soon it was time to go home.

 

Such a gorgeous view from their driveway

I managed to drive a good portion of the way home before my stomach decided to roil a bit again and Ryan finished up the drive. Sunday we got home semi late and rushed to unpack and get ready for the week ahead.... which is now over and I am already behind blogging! Ryan picks up his first class this week as a Combat Instructor and our "new normal" for the next three years will begin. Wish us luck! And I hope you all had a Happy New Year.

 

PS - Gallbladder removal in T-17 days!

2014 Retrospect

I try and do a retrospect of my year (at least via my blog) every year. Here is 2014. This was a rough year for me and for my family. We had a lot of things go wrong, dear family members passed away, relationships faltered and regained footing, accidents happened, illnesses... definitely not one of my better years. I am severely depending on 2015 to be better than this!

Past retrospects:
2013
2012
2011
2010

January

We spent our New Year's Eve in Morehead City at the Crystal Coast Countdown. New Year's Day was spent watching the Capital One Bowl.

I started working out again, this time weightlifting. Also didn't last.

Then we booked our AMAZING trip around the Mediterranean. I spent many later entries blogging about it afterwards, but the trip itself was in January. It was fantastic but...

The week we returned my beautiful Aunt Joan lost her battle with cancer. Our family was devastated.

 

February

I was still reeling from my Aunt's passing and as soon as I returned to North Carolina I started rehearsals for a show at the community theatre. I honestly didn't blog the entire month save for one give away. Probably the least amount of blogging I did since I began this thing five years ago.

 

March

I spent most of March blogging about our Trip from January.

Getting There and Pisa, Italy, Florence, Italy, Monaco, Toulon France, Barcelona, Spain, Valencia, Spain, Mallorca, Spain, At Sea and Tunisia, Africa, Palermo, Sicily Italy, Naples and Pompei Italy

I was cast in a production of A Doll's House that performed in March and April.

April

I blogged about acting and the show again.
I realized how badly I was slacking on my blog and talked about it. Plus I made Pisanki.
And I worked Easter Sunday. Which kind of stunk.

May

Ryan and I celebrated our Fourth Wedding Anniversary.
We had tickets to see Lady Antebellum in Raleigh, our first country concert!
I acknowledged how awesome all the mothers in my life are, especially my mom, for Mother's Day.
Ryan and I took a trip to Duplin Winery to celebrate our anniversary.
I attended the Paraprofessional Library Conference
And my BEST FRIEND in the whole world GOT MARRIED and I got to be a bridesmaid for the first time! Plus Ryan and I had a day to play in NYC and see a Broadway show together for the first time.

 

 

 

June

 

I blogged about being frustrated.

Then, a first for me, I angrily posted about a current event... I never do that!

Hurry up and wait strikes again. The Career Planner didn't submit my husband's SDA package (it sat on his desk for two weeks) so my husband had to come up with a Plan B.
 I had my first major sickness of the year and ended up in the ER... they thought I had meningitis but luckily that was not the case.
Plus we went fishing. And had lots of Stormy Weather days.
And Josh Groban answered me on Facebook, completing my life.


July

We had my sister in law Hannah here and spent the 4th of July with friends.
Ryan asked me out for a special Date Night.
I made some Observations stemming from my job.

August

 I mention my lack of blogging again, a theme for this year.
I was shattered when my childhood icon and favorite actor Robin Williams passed away.
I QUIT SMOKING. Finally.
Then Ryan and I got into a serious accident in our truck. We were lucky to walk away with cuts and bruises but our truck was totalled. We went to the ER to get checked out to be sure we were ok, my second trip this year.


September

I turned 27.
 Ryan and I had a "redo" of our Labor Day Weekend, what we would have done originally had the accident not happened. First he had a goodbye dinner with his shop since his SDA was finally approved and then we started our time together at Battleship North Carolina.
Then we did Hungry Town Bike Tours and Fort Macon.


October

I officially mention Ryan starting his SDA and we attend Oktoberfest.
 Then I got really sick. Sick enough I was out of work and rehearsals for about a week. ER trip number three as well as Urgent Care and my regular doctor.
The Dup turned 3!
I was in another show, Dracula, over Halloween weekend playing Lady Van Helsing.


November

The Marine Corps turns 239.
I finally got some answers as to why I was so sick. My gallbladder basically stopped working.
Ryan and I spent some much needed time together.
We attend the Birthday Ball for SOI in Wilmington.
I blog about being Thankful, regardless of the rough year.
We spend Thanksgiving in South Carolina with both of our families.




December

My childhood dog Dippy crossed the Rainbow Bridge at 13 and a half years old.
I shared our Christmas Decorations.
Ryan graduates SOI Instructor School.
My surgery gets scheduled for January 28th, 2015... adios gallbladder and nausea!
We spend a cozy Christmas at home together.
And for New Year's we plan on visiting my family in the mountains. I will probably blog about that in the New Year.

I hope you all had a fabulous 2014. Our was a little rough, one of our roughest, but there were still some great high points. I don't blog about everything, most of the good and bad made it here, but some things do not need to be shared with the internet. I know many bloggers braver than I who do share everything, but I am not able to do that. Know things are getting better and I am optimistic for the year ahead. I hope 2015 strengthens my relationships, my faith and gives us more ups than downs. I know Ryan's work schedule will be absolutely INSANE but I hope I use that time constructively too. I hope I am happy. I hope when I do my 2015 retrospective I make you all positively nauseous with how amazing the year is.

 

Happy New Year everyone. Once again, thanks for sticking with me through another year.