• Allie and Ryan

    Allie & Ryan

  • Allie and Ryan 2

    Allie & Ryan

  • Allie and Ryan 3

    Allie & Ryan

  • Ryan and Allie 4

    Allie & Ryan

  • Ryan and Allie 5

    Allie & Ryan

Sunday, July 12, 2009

It's so hard to say goodbye...

Well I cannot believe how quickly this time has flown. He's gone. I guess I need to back track a little. Wednesday I ended up not going down to see him since he called to tell me that we had more time than expected! Which was great. But I had rehearsal and then Mom came into DC and I picked her up at Union Station, she came in at 10:30am so it was an "early" morning for me (up at 9!) but I was at her gate waiting with coffee so I did well. We spent the day together, did some shopping (pretty shirt in the picture is evidence) and monument hopping. That and this AWFUL late dinner thing at this french cafe... we had a pizza thingy that was ok and then this meat/bread/cold/overspiced thing that made us both pretty sick! Ick. The next day Mom came to rehearsal with me and Redrum is kind of a death trap. 12 lighting instruments, holes in ceiling and floor, no bathroom in the building, light board with no memory and two faders I slide manually for cues (ignore techy talk, if you don't get it just realize it is old and difficult!), and hot! But she liked what she saw and after that we braved rush hour for the drive to Quantico.

2 Hours later we made it! Ryan shaved his head as per pre deployment tradition and he had that whole Keanu Reeves (ala Matrix) look about him! Friday was parents meeting day. My mom got to meet his mom, Bob, and his grandparents and things went well! We all had dinner (at Sam's again!) in Q-Town and then hung out behind the barracks in typical weekday night style. We had some beers and Ryan and I played horseshoes (I lost 5-3. We were so bad we only played to 5) and sat and talked and smoked. My mom and I stayed a little longer after Ryan's family left which was great for me to spend just a little more time with him. Then the MPs (Military Police) and were checking IDs... then they saw my mom and just laughed and lightened up on the whole thing!

We then went to my mom's friend Suzanne's house for the night since she was local and it was free. It was nice to stay there but I got a little time warped/confused and, well it stunk to have happen. In the morning Ryan called at 11am and said head over whenever since originally we were to be there at 1pm. I also wrote Ryan this long card and got ready and things happened and by the time we got to base it was after 1pm. I thought they were leaving at 9pm but there was a communication mix up and he actually was in formation by 3pm and gone on the busses by 3:30pm. So I only had an hour and a half with him. I felt awful and so incredibly guilty. To top it all off, I love my mom dearly, but she can't be the designated photographer anymore because this is the only front on picture of the both of us. She cut Ryan out almost completly! You can see the tshirt I am wearing, it has the Eagle Globe and Anchor with the words, Is It February Yet? And Mr Dave, Ryan and his room mate Josh's old boss came to send off. He was incredibly sweet and it was very nice to see him again. You could tell he really cared about both of them and he was sad to see them go. And he gave them each a medal for their dog tags which they both promptly put on. I also re-connected with a woman who is a wife of someone Ryan deployed with. Nadia has been keeping me up to date whenever she hears anything so she has been amazing.

Three o'clock came way, way too quickly and before I knew it I was hugging him goodbye.
You can't really see him hugging me back since they were all issued their weapons before send off. But his arm was tightly wrapped around my shoulder and holding me tight. Kissed him goodbye, told him how proud I was of him and I loved him so much and he'd better come home, handed him the letter, and that was it. Said goodbye to Josh as he went towards formation and watched them all stand there. It was like a tease! They were right there and we couldn't hug them or talk to them!

There was a motivational talk and then they were on the busses. I got one last glimpse of him and he was gone....
Man oh man did I bawl. I cried the entire way back to DC. Mom drove. I called Poppy and he talked to me a bit and then Mom took me to a movie to distract me; UP. It was good, a little sad in the beginning but mostly very funny. One line got me teary again, the little boy said, "It may sound boring, but it is the boring things I miss the most." It made me think of Ryan, because it really hit home. It is the little things you miss. The hand holding, the silly jokes, the traditional couple things. We then got some cupcakes in Chinatown and went back to the hotel. It took me ages to finally fall asleep, besides the fact that my mom snores. Like a freight train! I made her take allergy medicine last night but it didn't help too much. Then Nadia called me around 8:45am to tell me she heard from her husband and that they were in Germany. Mom and I had breakfast delivered to the room, we were lazy, and then went to church. In church when they did the intercession for all military personnel I started crying again. I prayed for Ryan, and Josh and Mic and everyone else. There are so many people on this end praying for them and for a safe return. After church we briefly went to my apartment and I checked my email before we left. I was ecstatic to see one from Ryan waiting. He was saying he was in Germany and loved and missed me already. It was soooooo good to hear from him, even if it was just an email. I took Mom to the train station and dropped her off after that.

Then we had our first show. Life in Death. The Fringe festival kind of screwed us, they said in the program our show was Saturday, not Sunday, so we had four people in the audience! No major train wrecks, mostly it was hot and the singers got a bit disorieented and screwed up lyrically towards the end and I battled some hard light cues, but we did it! After the show we all walked around the corner to have a beer and just relax. I talked to Ryan's Mom on the phone for a bit and she told me you were in Iraq probably by now, not Kuwaiit (like originally thought for a few weeks). I had a BLT (with cheese!) and a beer, then went home. Where I had another email waiting! This one said he (and his gear) made it to Iraq. I signed on to facebook and saw he updated his status and I must have missed him by two minutes!!!! I was so sad. But I did have an email so I snapped myself out of it and sent him a nice long one back.
Since being home I uploaded my pictures, read my emails, and updated this. All as my room mate is moving out. Laura left before the 4th weekend and now Jackie is going... so it is just me and Caitlin til the end of the month? Not sure. The past nights were rough. I haven't slept too well and I keep having small moments of panic when I think about it too much. It really is such a long time. It terrifies me. I literally get this electric shock through my body and almost can't breathe when I think about it too much. I try not to. I tell myself I can do this and we can make it. I just wrap myself in the prayer shawl the ministry at church made me (and for Ryan's mom) with each stitch done with a prayer. And I cuddle with Mutsy, my stuffed puppy in Ryan's tshirt that smells like him and I update it with his cologne. Then I can calm down. I can do it. 2 days almost down, a lot to go. Is it next year yet?

I miss him so much.


  1. I am so not looking forward to that day. Even just reading this brought a tear to my eye! Be strong girl and I'm here for you if you ever need a shoulder to lean on!

  2. Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

  3. My husband is deploying in 4 days. Its just me and my daughter. I have been alone my entire life and I cant believe hes going for 8 months. Insted of enjoying our last 4 days here in Hawaii I'm depressed. How do I say goodbye? He has a 10hr flight and I have a 10 hr flight back home too. I don't want to be upset. Anyway thanks for your blog It was good to know I'm not alone even though I feel like I am.


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