Cha-Cha

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“Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.”

― Robert Brault

I am trying to be an optimist. I am trying to take my two steps forward, one step backward and make it into a cha-cha... but man it isn't easy. 

I know the importance of goodness and positivity. I just feel like every time I take a step forward lately I take two backwards. No stomach attack for six weeks? Let’s have three in four days and put her in the Emergency Room twice. Fertility cycle successfully tracked and used? Let’s have her period arrive two days earlier than anticipated and with a vengeance. Cast in a dream role in a Shakespeare play? Let’s have her work her ass off to have it cancelled at the last minute. Add in some stresses I choose not to blog about, stupid doctors who give me a snap diagnosis and tell me I should be on antidepressants to see if they help anything (when I am not depressed regardless of all this going on) just makes me want to hit something. I am not clinically depressed. I can laugh, I can feel happiness and joy and I am not in a fog of sadness and hurt hours a day. I am not sad. I am not depressed.

I am frustrated. There is a huge difference. 

Sometimes my frustration brings me to tears because that is my body’s uncontrolled physical response. But more often than not, I am just me. I don't dwell on these things all the time. I am how I always have been. I don't know how else to put it. I have been in that horrible fog before, my teenage years especially... I know the difference and how important mental health is to people. But I will not just take medication because one doctor who has spent five minutes with me and sees my medical issues happening and thinks I should, even if just as "preventative maintenance" because it is "only a matter of time at this rate."

Seriously?

So, as you can tell from my ranting things have not been easy around these parts lately. I cannot believe I naively expected to get pregnant as soon as I stopped taking my birth control over a year ago. I cannot believe I thought having my gall bladder removed would fix my stomach issues and make me normal again. I cannot believe certain things happen. I cannot believe I am officially the "someone else" certain things happen to, but never to you person. I mentioned in my 2014 Retrospect post how hard of a year it was and 2015 can only be better.... well I was wrong. Different sorts of awful can happen and be just as hard if not harder. Sometimes that makes me wish I was a kid again, this adult stuff is for the birds. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe October, November and December will be better...

All I can say is, I am working on my cha-cha as much as a rhythmically challenged girl can. 

The Accident

 

I have gone back and forth about whether or not I wanted to blog about this... I eventually came to the decision that to be true to this blog (which is about my life, marriage, and me) it is something that happened and I can do it and be done with it. Mostly. I will not discuss the details since the investigation and evertrhing is still pending but the basics can be known.

 

Labor Day Weekend was going to be a big weekend out for Ryan and I. His SDA starts at the end of September (something else I have yet to blog about) and I am currently cast in another show (ditto to previous parentheses) so we knew we would be entering a chaotic time and wanted to use this long weekend to spend time together. We had plans to go places in North Carolina we haven't visited yet and just spend it working on our relationship and stockpiling the joy for later use. Friday night after I got home from work we decided to go out for a drink, play some pool and then call it an early night... which we did. Saturday we wanted to wake up early and hit the road. Neither of us set an alarm and we woke up later than we planned, around ten am.

 

We got up, got dressed, packed a bag and got in the truck to drive about an hour to our first planned day trip, Fort Macon State Park. Well, we never made it to the state park. On our way we had a rather awful car accident that left our truck totaled, another truck damaged, and a car slightly damaged. We were the most hurt out of everyone and we were fortunate that our injuries were not severe. Looking at the truck at the accident and at the storage place later I cannot believe we walked away as unhurt as we did. Ryan's arm wen't through the driver's side window and left cuts up and down his left arm. The airbag burned his wrist (friction burn) and nearly cut his other arm. His toe was jammed/possibly broken and his leg was bruised. All of my injuries came from the airbag or the seat belt, which both did their jobs and saved our lives. Both my knees were badly bruised from the airbag deploying and the cover whacking into me, and my seatbelt left a string of bruises across my stomach, chest and shoulder.

 

But, like I said, we are so lucky that we walked away with just minor injuries. I debated posting the pictures of our truck but I will, just so I remember how awful this accident was and how lucky Ryan and I truly are.

 

At the scene.

At the storage facility later on.

Some of you may know this truck once belonged to Ryan's grandfather. After he passed away we purchased the truck from his grandmother. Ryan was very, very proud of this truck and took really good care of it and this accident was awful in every way, but adding the fact that it was his grandfather's truck on top of it all really hurt. I am convinced we had a special guardian angel watching over us.

 

My friend Donna picked us up after the accident, which I am very grateful for, and took us home. The rest of the day was spent mostly on the couch, icing our bruises and watching Star Wars.

 

 

One of the few strokes of luck we did have was that my parents happened to be nearby when this all happened. They decided to take a random, last minute trip to the beach for the weekend and we were able to meet up with them for dinner that evening. Ryan and I made sure we both took a turn getting into a vehicle and driving again even though we were a bundle of nerves. My parents offered to let us keep their minivan (since they have four cars for three people at home, the van has been kept for long road trips basically) until we get a new vehicle. We agreed and my parents rented a car to drive home Monday... a red Mustang that went my parents pulled up to meet my brother had him green with envy!

 

 

 Sunday we decided to go to the ER on base to get checked out... and by we decided I mean Ryan had to for work and said if he was getting checked out I had to be as well. It was a long, long visit, nearly seven hours but we both checked out alright. We had to be seen in separate rooms but we passed the time texting eachother, watching TV (Alton Brown and then Indiana Jones) until we got to be sent home.

I never knew how sore you could feel after a car accident. Sunday, when we woke up, my entire body ached. It felt like I had done a strenuous, full body workout the day before... every muscle and joint was just aching. Ryan and I were limping around for a few days following the accident as our bodies turned multi colored from our various bruises.

My big seatbelt bruise

Like I mentioned, we were very very lucky to walk away in the state we did. I have never been in an accident like this before and it was the loudest, most terrifying thing. We knew it was happening and there was nothing to be done at the time to stop it. All I could do was close my eyes and hold my breath and pray in my head until it was over. Our weekend did not turn out at all like we expected. Since then it has been nothing but talking to insurance companies, figuring out our next steps, looking for another vehicle, and waiting to see what the next step is. Our nerves our frayed and our tempers are a bit shorter than usual, but we will get through this. This too shall pass.

Thank you to everyone who checked in with us, asked if we were alright, and sent good karma and prayers in our direction. We really, really appreciate it.