No Sleep

Last night was not a good night.

Ryan left yesterday to go back to 29 Palms which was hard enough. He rode into work with me in the frigid cold and we said our goodbyes outside my building before he got on the metro to go to the airport. It was about 18 degrees and I was shocked my tears didn't crystalize :P We are hoping to meet up President's Day weekend, which feels so far away from now, if not we don't get to be together until he graduates in April... which if I think about makes me cry so I can't do that. So I go through that long sort of day at work and rush home to the pup. Happiness!

We go outside, we eat, we play, we go outside again, we play more, we (and by we I mean Rylie) have an accident, we go outside yet again, I shower and finally at 10 I am snuggled in bed ready to put the day behind me.

I call Ryan for our nightly phone call. 20 minutes later Rylie is whining. Then she is barking. Not just a little bark but high pitched, non stop barking like she has never done before. I know we are supposed to let her bark it out, but I live in an apartment, I can't do that! So I hang up with Ryan (upset I can't talk to him already), get on the floor and try talking to her. We have been crate training her all along, soft calming voice and petting her and gently pushing her chest to not let her out. We sit and talk to her, lie down next to her, and basically make her comfy. She has a blanket over the crate, a pillow, towel, toys and stuffed animals inside to snuggle with. But Rylie was having none of it last night. She was biting me through the bars of the crate and shrilly barking non stop.

We go outside again, it had barely been an hour since the last time. We come back in and play a bit trying to tire her out but Rylie did not play like she normally does, she was just biting me and going nuts. Back in the crate. Still not happy.

Long story short it is 12:30am before I can sleep in silence.

Until 4am rolls around. More barking. I take her out. She goes to the bathroom and we go back inside and I put her in her crate. More barking. This goes on until about 4:30 am before she finally stops. Meanwhile in that half an hour I am sitting on the floor next to the crate sobbing and begging her to stop. She does.

Until 5:55am. I take her out again. My upstairs neighbor Adam is leaving for work and mentions he could hear her barking at 4. I apologize profusely but he laughs and said it made him laugh to hear it. He had been there before. Still I am mortified regarless.

We go back in and Rylie doesn't want to go to sleep. She is up until 6:20. I finally doze off to my alarm goes off at 7:20am. We go out yet again. I feed her breakfast.

I am so tired my eyes don't want to stay open and when I think about it too much they literally fill with tears. I was so tired and frustrated and I worked up my stress level so much I ended up throwing up in the bathroom as Rylie at breakfast. I cried the whole way to work so Carrie had to drive and I am crying now as I type this. At work. I gotta suck the tears up! UGH!

I love my puppy, I do, but last night cannot be a normal occurance. I talked to my aunt today, she breeds and shows labs for a living, and she gave me some advice. No water after 8pm, stick to a schedule as much as possible, do NOT play with her after bedtime, and move the crate out of my bedroom. All of which will be attempted tonight.

I feel like a puppy parent failure.

When Ryan was here it wasn't this hard.

Wow that sentence just speaks volumes doesn't it?

Even with a dogwalker during the day I think she is not used to being in her crate. Ryan was in and out when he was home but never 8 hours straight like this.

Once we have a routine down I know it will be ok. But the panicky part of me cannot help but wonder if we ever get there? What if we never get our groove? What if I am a sleepless zombie who cries at the drop of a hat until we PCS and are together again? I texted Ryan all night and he feels bad which makes me feel worse because I know this was not his intention in the least when getting us a puppy.


Sorry, I normally don't go on like this (or have such awful sentence structure), forgive me. The lack of sleep, feeling awful, and just missing my husband so bad I can barely breathe is really getting to me. I just had to let it out.

Please please please do not give me another night like last night.


Sigh.

Happy

Can I just say, I am so happy!

Literally this weekend I had this bubble in my chest that resulted in random giggling abd big smiles and me smacking my husband's arm in pure excitement. Yes, I am a dork.

We're in such a good place right now. Even with Ryan's re-enlistment still pending, we're happy. The weather is starting to get warmer too, which makes everything better! Saturday we went to get my car back from the shop after getting the body work done from my car accident this past fall. But... my car was making a funny noise. It was running really rough and I got nervous! I needed my car back to get to work and to get to the doctor Tuesday! The only engine thing they did was an oil change so we got the body shop to refun the oil change and drove to Jiffy Lube. Anytime we stopped and idled we threw the car in neutral. My bubble began to get a little deflated, what was wrong with my car? Wrong oil?? Something?

We finally get to Jiffy Lube, the guy Sal looks at it for two seconds and sees my PCV valve got knocked off. The person changing my oil last must have done it. He gave us a new hose, for free, and put it on for us. Ryan slipped him $10 for being so awesome and my bubble re-inflated fully!

After we tried to make it to the Old Town Saint Patrick's Day parade but we're too late. So we settled in at an Irish pub with this super sweet woman who actually works at Walter Reed as a psychotherapist and was willing to share the table! She was so sweet and we had a great conversation. After Ryan and I walked to the Torpedo Factory and walked around for a bit. At home we had a quick dinner and then went to my favorite bar, Nick's. Nick's is a country bar, they offer free line dancing lessons if you get there early enough (some day we will!) and usually have live music.

I couldn't really drink since I was still on antibiotics from surgery but Ryan and I had a blast. He forced me to do kareoke (NEVER. AGAIN.) and we sang Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Oy. Then I made him dance with me. Nick's has a lot of people, old and young, and sometimes watching the older couples on the dance floor is so intimidating. They know what dance to do with EVERY song! Man I need to learn!

Sunday was pouring rain but we ventured out to church, then IHOP, and then to grocery shop. Man was it raining cats and dogs, but we trudged through. After we went to the mall to get me to Nordstroms. Their bras were highly recommended to me by Sarah to go for a fitting, pricey yes, but worth it.

Standing in the dressing room I was pretty nervous. The woman had me take even my surgical bra off to get fitted and I was worried I was going to freak her out with my stitches (I have a lot!). But she was wonderful. She measured me and gave me bras to try on.

And I cried.

I stood in the dressing room looking at myself in a three way mirror with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I was wearing a 36C for the first time since I was 14 years old.

Yes, tears of joy!

I tried on a few pretty bras that Ryan had me get (the fitter had me show him since I was so excited) and I cannot wait to hit the six week mark so I can wear them.



I am happy.

I am healing. My back doesn't hurt. I am standing up straight.

I have a wonderful husband I love more than anything. We are close to our one year anniversary!

My car is fine and back in business! No more climbing over the console from the passenger side to get in the car.

It is getting warmer.

Work is good.

I love where we live.



I am so happy.

Cable!!!!! ARGH

So on Riding the Roller Coaster this week was a post that struck a chord with me and I know a few other bloggers have mentioned something similar. Basically it all goes along the lines of, "If I don't do it, it won't get done." The main reference was the show Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray comes home from a business trip and leaves his suitcase on the stairs, expecting Debra to unpack it. Well, she doesn't. So it sits there.

I know marriage is about compromise, helping one another out, and working together. Now that we got that out of the way...

Our cable has not worked since December.

December.

We pay quite a bit of money every month for our cable and internet since our apartment will ONLY accept Comcast. So for nearly two months now we have been paying for something we are not using and it bothers me.

When we first had our cable go out it was the box just went crazy. Instead of showing numbers it showed a rotating square thing. It wouldn't connect or show channels or would randomly scroll through weird letters and numbers. We tried to fix it. We reset the box. We tried dialing in online and having them fix it. Nothing. So I asked Ryan to call. Then we were away for Christmas. Then New Years. Then I was sick. Then Ryan's grandfather passed away. A lot of things happened.

But the dust has settled. So I asked again if Ryan could call.

Why don't I just call?

Because if I don't call, it doesn't get done. Point in fact, I had to call to get us cable in the first place. When HE lost our Geico check to fix the car I had to call to get a new one re-instated. When HE wanted to stay longer in SC I had to call the airline at one o'clock in the morning to change our flights (ok slightly different situation... I was in a better mindframe but still). PLUS I ANSWER A PHONE FOR A LIVING! The last thing I want to do is come home and sit on the phone with a Comcast representative. I hate talking on the phone, ironically enough.

Why should he call?

1. He tried to fix the box and knows more than I do what is going on with it.
2. The account is in his name. He has all the information.
3. He will be the one home to meet the guy since he gets home earlier than I do.
3a. So he knows his own schedule better than I do!

So I bring it up last night and he basically says if I want cable then I should call. He is perfectly content to sit and watch Netflix. For hours. And hours. Yes there are good things on Netflix and I like some of the shows, but my attention span is not good to sit and watch five episodes of Lie to Me no matter how decent of a show it is. I want to flip!

I am having surgery on the 23rd. I'd like to have cable when I am couch ridden.

But he won't do it. He said he doesn't care, he will keep watching Netflix, if I want it why should he call? I present my reasons. Nothing. I get upset. Stupid I know, but still nothing. So we have a shouting match at 11pm (when he has the range at 5am... oops), tears are shed, angry angry RAWR ughness. Make up. Sleep.



Still no one has called Comcast.

I refuse to budge on principle at this point. I don't ask a lot of him. I want him to do one thing. Make one phone call.

Am I being unreasonable here????

Perhaps. But darnit I don't care.


What is your big ARGH I ASKED YOU SO PLEASE JUST DO IT issue?

The 13th Station

This is what I read and wrote at the Living Stations service. Ryan made it! It gave me so much strength to have him there with me. Apparently quite a lot of people teared up, myself and fiance included, but I made it through without crying until I was back at my seat and saw Ryan have a tear streak down his face.

The Thirteenth Station: Jesus is Taken Down from the Cross

After hours of pain and suffering, it was over. Jesus had died on the cross and was at last taken down and placed into the arms of His Mother. The soldiers were ordered to remove the three men from the crosses before sunset, the start of the Sabbath. Many people had long since fled the hillside and only a few of Jesus’ followers, and His Mother remained. She cradled the body of her Son in her arms one last time before Jesus was taken away for burial.

Jesus sacrificed himself for us. He died for our sins so we didn’t have to do the same. Over the past two years my life has dramatically changed in many ways, especially with my fiancé as a member of the military. Watching him and his friends deploy to Iraq and Afghanistan have been some of the hardest experiences of my life, but watching them come home made all the difference. I know how fortunate I was to welcome him home. But how many mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives and friends have watched their fearless heroes leave and not return?

These men and women have sacrificed their lives for our safety and freedom, volunteering to go into harms way so we don’t have to do the same. They were and are willing to die for their family and country, just as Jesus was willing to do for us. Many mothers have found themselves in Mary’s place; seeing the body of their child as they are with them for the last time, after the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of others.


Let us pray [pause for a moment]

Lord Jesus, thank you for the sacrifice you made to save us all. As your mother cradled you in her arms, may we provide that same comfort to others. Watch over the brave men and women in the armed forces who follow your example, and risk their lives for the peace and love of others. Please welcome those who have also sacrificed their own lives for their country into your loving arms.

So sick of this week already...

Oh what a day. A week. And it is only Tuesday.

So at work today I am up front and checking my email when all these little windows start popping up saying that our firewall expired and viruses and spyware were in the computer. I try and get rid of it but no luck. I was just on AOL so it obviously wasn't something I did, but opening the internet I think re-triggered it. So I tell Marlene and Charlie and my boss was pissed. Understandably so, because apparently me (and the highschoolers who do my job too) used the internet and someone got a virus on the system. So the register was down for an hour today while the computer company dialed in to fix it off site.

Then one of my bridesmaids Kim fills me in on the dress drama she is having. David's Bridal I thought would be great, it has locations everywhere and lots to chose from. Now I want to kick the Manhattan location in the face. Kim ordered her dress January 27th and they tell her NOW that it is a "special order" item and needs 12 weeks to come in! They told her it would be in April 1st back in January which was cutting it close to our "April 15th" wedding (we lied to get things in on time!). Apparently Blue Velvet is a special color and needs more time and they don't carry dresses in that color in floor stock. So why did I see at least four Blue Velvet dresses at the New Brunswick location as I was showing Sue (Sam's mom) what they look like? And if it is a special order item why do I have four girls with dresses in the color who had no problems getting theirs???

So I am on the phone with the manager who can't access our information as the computers all crashed. Of course they did. She had to call me back while I was still at work.

I am just so angry they gave Kim the wrong information and would not own up to their mistake. Once the computers were running the manager looked at all stores for that style and color and size for Kim but of course it doesn't exist. Anywhere. So they looked for any dress (and at per Kim's request a different dress than the other girls) that is long and Blue Velvet in Kim's size.

Apparently they found one. Kim is going in on Thursday with her mom as she was still angry. Me too. I was texting Kim and Sam and on the phone with Carrie and at work doing this for three hours!

Plus Ryan left his phone in his pocket while on the range and it poured so now his phone is not working. He will have to get a new one and can't really afford it. Or maybe afford to come this weekend but he is going to try but it is so stressful. And he didn't get our application in for the apartment in on time so the one we looked at is taken. There is ONE one bedroom left on the top floor, so it is more money, and someone already applied. Our only chance is that his credit sucks and he gets denied. Otherwise a one bedroom probably won't be available til JUNE.

So now what???

I think we will know tomorrow.

I just want to cry.

Annoyed

Ok maybe beyond annoyed. How about pissed? This is a rough month for me and Ryan and this whole seeing weekends thing is failing miserably. So he has duty Valentine's Day so I won't be seeing him at all that weekend. I am going to DC the 9th and 10th briefly for a marriage counseling thing through the Corps, but he was supposed to come up this weekend so we actually can have some time together. Surprise surprise he just texts me saying he has snow duty and his SSgt won't let him come. I just hate getting my hopes up and having the Corps once again dash them.

So we get one night in the middle of the week, after work and before the counseling then I drive back to Jersey. I won't be seeing him again until after the 19th probably. Unless it snows again that weekend too. So three days in all February? Awesome.

We were texting this morning about being apart and he said I seem not bothered at all by it and that I don't care. I told him me crying and whining isn't going to help anything. I know he is working two jobs and it is hard and I understand and respect that. Then he found out he has snow duty this weekend.

I just want to see my fiance. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently it is.

I Saw Fireworks...

So I am just going to give an exciting highlight and then talk more about my family being here later...

Ryan arrived a day early and the next day I had to work. So he accompanied me to EPCOT where I work and spent the day seeing my shows, meeting my friends and co-workers, and basically walking around the park for six hours. In the world showcase he managed to get dinner reservations in the nice restaurant in Italy so after I got off of work we walked over and had a fabulous dinner together. I had spinach canneloni and we split a cannoli for dessert and had wine and a bellini and it was just delicious!

I love fireworks, especially Illuminations. I always said working the crowd control is one of the best parts of my job. I always ranted and raved about it so Ryan really wanted to see the show. A friend of mine, Marianne from Brazil, from Guest Relations was monitoring the VIP area near Italy so I went to say hi. I introduced her to Ryan and she let us under the rope! It was so sweet, especially since I still had no idea what was to come. Illuminations is in three parts and towards the end of the first part Ryan starts trying to talk to me.

So I swatted him and told him to pay attention, he was missing the show! I still had no idea. So he was quiet for a bit and then the globe came out and he was fidgeting and kept trying to talk to me but then stopping. Then the fireworks started again and he hugged me from behind, and it was quite cold so it felt great for many reasons! Ryan then tried to say something in my ear but I couldn't hear him over the fireworks. Again I told him to shush and watch the show! Suddenly he loudly said, "Hey!" and finally got my attention. I was getting annoyed so I replied, "WHAT?!" pretty loudly. He then reached into his pocket and got down on one knee and I saw him say "Will you marry me?" with fireworks exploding overhead.



I gasped and my hands flew to my mouth, I was so shocked! I honestly did not see it coming. We had talked about getting engaged for awhile as you know but I was so surprised. Tears were flowing and I was in shock as people around us started pointing and talking and then I realized I needed to answer! So I just started nodding my head yes over and over again as he slid the ring on my finger. There may have been tears. Everyone around us started cheering and clapping, someone even dropped their cup of wine as they started they were so excited. We hugged and kissed and missed the rest of Illuminations, but it's ok...

We saw it again two days later.

It was amazing...

The Ring:

Thanksgiving and the Future

I hope you all had a fantastic holiday!


So my mom found out Ryan and his friend Garrett weren't going home for Thanksgiving because South Carolina and Nebraska are kind of far... so that is how my boyfriend and one of his best friends ended up in New Jersey with my family for Thanksgiving with me in Disney!!! I was kind of jealous.


Garrett, Ryan, Jill and Derek (cousins), and my brother Stefan in front at my Babci and Poppy's for Thanksgiving

But apparently Ryan asked my parents' permission to marry me while he was there. How do I know that? Because he was nervous about it and told me! Haha. He also let me know that he had been looking at rings since he was in Iraq. He found a diamond and the perfect setting and looked every day for six weeks when he got back.... and he had to tell me THAT because it is so perfect.

Oh my god.

EEE!

Of course no one will tell me how the talk went. My mom pretends to know nothing and I can't ask my dad as I am not supposed to know and Ryan suddenly doesn't want to share! But apparently it "went well". Definitely a good thing. Now that I know that though I want to know when it will happen! And how! And where! I want it to happen so soon but I don't want to know the details and watch it ends up being a long ways away and he just took advantage of the fact that he could talk to my parents without me there. I don't know. Ack.

So now on to our favorite F-Word... the Future.

Ryan and I planned to move in together in DC when I left Disney. Well, I haven't saved as much money as I hoped and I am not having any luck finding jobs so it may not happen. Ryan "splitting" the rent went from 50-50ish to me paying most of it and him helping with other bills. With the money how it is right now I can't do that. So the only solution seems to be me moving home (ugh) again to NJ and working multiple jobs there to save money. It is just so frustrating. I cry over it constantly just because that's how my body reacts to stress. Which sucks.

I just love working at Disney. And if we're going to be apart, again, until February/May/August I wish I could just stay here and work. But I can't. Beneifts and more money and all. Ugh. I don't want to move home. And work in crappy jobs I hate. As I can't find anything, I am terrified I am just going to go back to Kohls and I don't think I can handle it.

I just don't know.

Can I fast forward please?

Meltdown

I sort of lost it last night.

I have been training for a new venue at work, my third, called Where's the Fire?, which is basically like a game show of sorts about fire safety. It is pretty fun, but training is draining. It means very early mornings, 8:15am Saturday, 7:30am yesterday and today, that go until 16:00 or 17:00. It is a long day. And I am not a morning person. So I have been soooo drained.

Ryan's mom and aunts were in DC visiting him for the first time since he got back. So between that and my interesting hours we haven't gotten to talk too much the past few days. I've been asleep early so I can get up early, and he has been up late. Plus he is going back and forth to Fredericksburg because his room mate and best friend Josh had a hole in his lung that leaked into his chest cavity and landed him in the hospital. Eek. Josh is ok, but Ryan is driving a few hours when he can to see him. So it has been a lot of texting lately.

But last night when he called me, even though I had been asleep for an hour, I picked up. I was tired, and stressed (my face is awful, so many breakouts! ugh!), so I was trying to keep things light. But he knew me too well to let that slide. I told him the early mornings were wearing me down and I hated the long days that started so early. Being at work by 7:30am means clocking in by 7:15am which means being on property by 7am. That means I pick up Karli at 6:45am and leave my apartment by 6:30am and I am up before 6am. See the stress?? But he replied, "At least you get to earn a lot of money!"

That was the key phrase that made me lose it.

I said, "I am so SICK of thinking about and talking about fucking money!" and then I burst into tears. Yea, I sort of shocked the hell out of him, he didn't see that coming. Neither did I. I am broke. Why?

Plane tickets to DC, one doctor emergency clinic visit, perscriptions from said visit, gas, perscriptions I take, a flat tire that came out of nowhere, groceries, rent, going to another doctor this Wednesday to finally be checked out, my GPS breaking and dying that day (I need it, it is pretty sad), and knowing my brother's 13th birthday and Christmas are approaching.... and I have no money. I am supposed to be saving to move in with Ryan so we can live together. I am living paycheck to paycheck. I had to turn to my mom for help which makes me feel so ashamed at 22. Money is the reason he may not come see me in Disney, which is so important to me (I need him to see me and my life and friends here or he'll never get what this place means to me).

So I cried. Or sobbed. I couldn't breathe. It was awful. He calmed me down and talked to me and got me to stop and get myself calm and sleep again. I felt so terrible for unleashing on him like that. I still feel hollow today from letting it all out.

Ugh.

I hate money.

Allie = Wimp

So a big group of people from work really wanted to go to Universal Studios tonight for Haunted Horror Nights. I am a wimp. Totally. I will admit it fully without a problem. I said no, declined, said no, fought it, and then found myself in a car on my way there somehow. Ugh. It was a huge group of people and I got sort of in on the excitement but as we got closer I realized what the hell I was getting myself into. It is all based on scary movies this year, 'Ripped from the Silver Screen'. So Chucky, Saw, Dracula, Wolfman... etc. Did I mention I hate scary movies?

So we walk through Universal City Walk toward the entrance to the park, and I freeze. I couldn't do it. I saw people walking outside in like a bizarre bellboy/girl (like old school movie ushers) dead people make up and outfits. Plus a giant movie screen with scary movie stuff playing... and I can't do it. I found myself shaking and nearly hyperventilating. Don and Christine weren't thrilled about going either so the three of us backed out last second and just hung out at City Walk for an hour or so and then came home. So glad about that decision. We found a map and saw to get to any of the FOUR (yea, four) rides that were open you had to at least go to one scare zone. It was mainly about haunted houses, not my thing.

I have to say, after being in the cleanliness and magicalness of Disney, Universal seems so skanky in comparison! And with the clubs in the area and the drunk people going around and the look of everything... I am biased, but I like Disney much better.

The last time I went to a Haunted House was in high school. We did a haunted hay ride which freaked me out, then we had to go through a corn maze to get to the haunted house. I didn't know the corn maze was haunted. So when things and things with chainsaws started chasing me I started running, even through the walls and out to the outside. There I had an asthma attack and had to be put on oxygen. THAT was fun. But I didn't have to go in the Haunted House!

We're going back to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party tomorrow. MUCH more my speed!


ONE WEEK!

Lonely in the Happiest Place on Earth?

Is such a thing possible? I didn't think so, that was half of the reason I came here! Distractions, new people, new place... so far my plan has only half worked. When I am working I am definitely distracted. My job at Storm Struck is intense, and since I am the only one training for it at the moment I haven't even gotten to know many people at work. My trainer Cinnamon is really cool, she has been really helpful in me learning the exhibit and makes my job easier! She is getting married on a Disney Cruise to her partner in October and they will be in St Croix at some point, I will have to ask Sam (whose family lives there) some good spots they should go to. So Cinnamon is older, around 40, and aside from her I don't know many people at Innoventions. I have seen my Dad's cousin Diane working the Kim Possible exhibit once now, hopefully more. But based from my training I haven't met too many people.

This is my costume for Innoventions by the way. Stylish no?

And my room mates are still good, but we all have pretty different schedules so I generally only see them in the apartment. So my friends count? Not too high at all. I am glad Sam lives about an hour and a half away, so I have her every now and then, but I thought I would have more friends by this point. She is coming tomorrow to go to Magic Kingdom with me which will be fun!

Storm Struck is actually a 28 PAGE script! I have it memorized mostly now, but the timing with the movie is rough! I am still training until Friday when I will have my assessment. I will do the exhibit with the person moderating it, then I have a test on sponsors of the exhibit, hurricanes, tornadoes, product information, and building homes to make them storm safe. Do you know the wind speeds for a Category 3 hurricane? Or an F-2 tornado? I do! (111-130 mph and 136-165mph in case you were wondering). Yikes indeed.

I guess since my family has left and from work making it harder to talk to Ryan and not having friends yet I am lonely. I have dreamed about Ryan almost every night. Some amazing wonderful dreams about the homecoming he will have or our future, others so terrifying I woke up sobbing... hint: it involved a black car and guys in dress blues. Never will happen, but terrifying nonetheless. No word from him today either. Yesterday was awful. I was a human faucet! On my way to work the song I use for his ringtone, Don't Stop Believin by Journey, came on the radio and I found myself singing and then sobbing simultaneously. Then he called me and it was AMAZING but when he went to say goodbye I cried again. Then in church when they did the military intercession I cried once more and through the rest of the mass. Ugh.


I hope I get to know more people soon. Good news? I am off for my birthday on the 8th!!! Sweet. Maybe I will see Cirque du Solei with my discount? I did laundry today, a dollar a load to wash and dry. What a day off...

I really miss him :(

Disney... an update at last!!!

Sorry this took me so long! I have worked long days and was out internet for awhile so this is long overdue!

Day One

I was temporarily without internet because the charming residents in the apartment before me stole the modem! But we reported it and maintenance so it got fixed! So far I am pretty happy here. My room mates are pretty cool, two Amandas and a Kayla. I live with the Amanda from Hawaii (she goes to school there but is from San Diego originally), Kayla and the other Amanda are in the other room and are from Scranton PA and Tennessee respectively.

So Day One Mom and I woke up and went to check in. We got there and I met Amanda, my roommate, in line, and Kayla, the one I was matched with originally was right in front of me. So we all signed in and got our beginning paperwork and spiels. I am living in a 2 bedroom in Chatham Square apartments, the one I wanted, and we got the last one there!!! So we drove over there and unloaded as the skies opened up in a massive down pour. Up three flights of stairs outside with all my stuff in the rain. Oy. But we got it done. After that I went over to casting and spent about three hours going through the place with my room mates. Station after station.... job confirmation, payroll, Disney Look check, background scan, electronic fingerprinting.... it was a lot of standing in line and waiting! But I did get to talk to other people so that was pretty cool.

On the bus back we saw a snake chasing a lizard up and down a fence! The snake intertwined itself in the chain link and was chasing the thing up and down and up and down and the lizard got away! I took pictures so you will see shortly!

We went back and unpacked more, then we all got in the cars and headed to Target. And got lost. Then got there. I got some bedding at Marshalls, blue polka dots, then we had dinner at Subway before going to Target for the rest. Amanda and I did a rubber ducky themed bathroom and we got cleaning supplies and stuff for the kitchen, placemats, doormats, a wireless router etc. Productive shopping trip! We just got home, unpacked, realized the modem was stolen and reported it, then I drove mom back to the hotel. I went to business center using the free internet to email Ryan and then home.

Day Two

Richie texted me that day asking if I had heard from Ryan in the last day or so because Josh hadn't gotten back to her and she was worried with all the bombings going on in Iraq. She was wondering if TFE got called over to help or not but I told her I didn't know. I don't watch or listen to the news but everyone feels the need to inadvertently tell me anyway! Ugh.

After I emailed Ryan that morning Mom and I got breakfast and then went shopping. I got jeans that fit (surprise!) and a rain jacket since Harvey, my brother's rabbit, ate mine and we didn't notice all the holes until I unpacked it. After that I went to sign up for my free Disney class in Entertainment and it took FOREVER. I filled out the piece of paper in thirty seconds but I was there over an hour for the thing. Of course once we fill out the paper only people can go up to hand it in one table at a time then get in another line to have someone read the information back to you since college students obviously cannot read. :P Then I went to my security building and got my decal for my car and the missing items that were not on our apartment inventory. After that I had to go to a Housing meeting that took 2 hours! Basically don't have weapons, don't break anything, no drugs, no minors with alcohol, and you're fine! Somehow still that took 2 HOURS to go through. Then Mom met me and we went grocery shopping, got the starting essentials and came back and unloaded everything. Then we went and got dinner and I dropped her off at her hotel before coming home.

We are still without wireless. We got a modem now but the wrong router! So we are going to have to take it back to Target and get the right one, but at least I can plug this into the wall in the living room and use it to access the internet!

Day Three


My Traditions class for training this day was long, but oddly not too bad. I learned a lot and I got my employee name tag and my pass to get into the parks for free. I also learned Disney is big in Toys for Tots come the holidays so be sure to know I will definitely be volunteering to help with that!! I took the bus back and then changed out of my business attire (black skirt and jacket with a lacy bottom purple tank top, stockings, heels, even pearls in my ears!) and met my mom and my uncle Dave for dinner. He is my favorite uncle as I have told you before so I am disappointed he and Ryan never got to meet. He said he is anxious to meet Ryan when you get back! It was a sad day for him, I don't know how much My cousin Alex, for the past two years or so he has been exploring with Mormonism. He left today for Hawaii as two girls from his church got him a ticket there and he will be there a month. Then he goes to Iowa to work a steel mill thing which will then fund his mission which is about 2 years. So my uncle was heartbroken as he has no idea when he will see Alex again, poor kid is just 19 and has been kind of lost since his parents divorced years ago. He found that family feeling in the Mormon church when his then girlfriend took him with her, and he has been in there ever since. It kind of kills my uncle sometimes, I can tell, he just feels like Alex jumped in too quick or something.

Day Four

What a long day! I saw the sunrise and everything! So I got on the bus around 7:15 and I was in EPCOT and signed in by 8am. I sat through a few videos and slideshows, a lot about Walt Disney's original idea for EPCOT and the stories behind it, then some more cast need to know stuff. Then we split up into three groups and toured the park as part of our "Discovery Day" (all paid too!). It was barely 9:30am when we ventured out so the park was just opening, and the first thing we did was go on Spaceship Earth, the ride inside the giant dome that is THE symbol for EPCOT. It was still early so there was no line, we literally walked right on. It shows how man has changed throughout civilization with these amazing animatronic characters, and in the end it is that giant dome filled with stars and I felt like Ryan were there with me, stars are our thing. Stars in the night sky always make me think of him, and this night sky simulation I saw is probably like what he sees every night out there!

After that we walked around more. We went through Innoventions, where I will be working, and saw all the displays. Then we went over to Club Cool where we got to try samples of Coca Cola from all over the world. Verdict? Worst: Italy, waaaay too bitter. Best? Israel, nice and lemony! Then after that they had all of us stand in this huge circle in a courtyard and told us to wave at one another (to get used to greeting everyone we see) and then turn around outside the circle and start waving to guests. Suddenly the big booming announcer voice comes on and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention to FutureWorld West Courtyard and say hello to our newest cast members! Please welcome them to our Disney Family!" And everyone around was waving and even taking pictures of us and cheering, it was cool and slightly embarrassing all at once! But mostly cool. After that we got on our own boat and went around the lake and got to see all the countries in the International section.... Canada, Germany, France, United Kingdom, Morocco, Americana, African Outpost, Japan, China, Italy, Norway, and Mexico. I think that is all of them. Each section is only employed by people who are actually from that country, it is pretty cool! They usually come here for a year long program and work as natives in their section.

Then it was back to the classroom, more videos and slides and get to know you things. Then our trainers came and got us just before noon. Mine was Ginny and only one other girl was Innoventions, her name was Sarah. Ginny took us to wardrobe to get our costume and... mine is just short of hideous. High waisted black pants in the style of what they call "mom jeans" that billow out at the hips and make anyone look wide, a belt (!), and a blue and teal green sort of wide striped vertical button down shirt worn tucked in. Coupled with all black sneakers (no mesh or suede or symbols) I look like an old man with huge hips! We are issued everything (except shoes and socks) including a matching windbreaker, winter coat (for when the time comes, as well as hat, scarf and gloves), and clear long rain jacket. Intense! Every item is scanned out with my ID and I can have five out at a time. When they get dirty I scan them back in and they get washed and repaired if need be for me and I can get more. Oh, and the pants run small, everyone has to get them in two sizes LARGER than what they are, so I am back to an 8 (x 32 length) again which was just a bummer even though I know it isn't my "real" size.

I got my locker and put that away and then Ginny took us to the employee cafeteria for lunch. Good prices and surprisingly good food too. After that we walked over to Innoventions and went through the whole building. I met managers and saw the offices and all. I found out I am a presenter in StormSurge! Which is like a 3D movie/show that is about 10 minutes long (aka 17 pages or so of memorizing) that is all me! Ginny said it was like a one woman show. I basically narrate the film as it happens, so I really cannot mess up! Eek! I don't have my script yet so we shall see how it goes. Then we went down to the basement and I did almost 3 hours of standard computer training. Ick. And not only did you have to listen and pay attention but there were mini quizzes after all the sections. I passed them all and clocked out at 4:30. I was walking back through the exhibit when I saw my dad's cousin John there (I don’t know if I mentioned he and his wife Diane retired down there and he is a bus driver and she works outside Innoventions) and my mom and Diane were in one of the exhibits! They were hanging with my mom today and got her in the park free so she could see where I worked and all. I said a quick hi to him and then went and got my costumes and got back on the bus home.

I quickly got ready and met them all at church. It was a HUGE church, less than five minutes from my apartment, but not the homey feeling of my church :( It is mainly a vacation parish, no one really is a "member" there, it is just a lot of tourists and some employees. And when the priest read the gospel he didn't read it as is, he modernized as he read which was just kind of weird to hear. We really don't do that. You read it how it is written for the gospel and use the homily to explain it and make it relevant as needed.

Anyway after that we went to Olive Garden and had a nice dinner. John and Diane are so incredibly nice, they live like ten minutes from me and know all the insider stuff around here and said I could call them for anything. John usually drives guests the late night shift (7pm-3am for example) so he is VERY familiar with all the routes around here and said if I was ever trashed and needed a ride to call at anytime. That probably will not happen but the offer was sweet all the same! After dinner Mom and I went to Target and I got my ugly black shoes... I literally had to buy men's size 7 since there was nothing in women's that fit the criteria. I then dropped Mom off at home and I got a glimpse of the Magic Kingdom fireworks as I drove on Rt 192.

I get to "sleep in" the next day. I don't have to be at work until 12:45 so I am getting on the bus around 11:45 maybe. Then I have what Ginny called the "mind stuffing" where we will get a lot of information thrown at us the first half with more computer quizzes. The second half we get Illuminations duty. Innoventions closes at 7pm everyday and if we are working closing we help set up and control the parade which is called Illuminations. It is something I remember from being 5 years old and there, a huge waterfront parade and fireworks show! I will be seeing it a lot I guess now. And I absolutely love love love fireworks so I am ok with that!

Oh! Mc messaged me that day, he got the box my family and I sent last Saturday! It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet! I have steadily sent Ryan boxes since the fourth and he has yet to get even one! :(

Day Five

Today was the first day I got to hear from Ryan since Day One when he called me during move in. We kept missing one another and it was so so so so so so so sooooooo good to hear his voice. I have missed talking to him so much! He sounded so sad though, it almost broke my heart :(. I thought about him the rest of the day, especially at fireworks duty that night. He would have loved the show and I would have loved to watch it with him by my side. I know things are crazy now since I am training but hopefully I will get a more solid schedule soon and we can talk more. I felt bad the whole phone call backstage, aka where guests cannot go, was right near the ride called Test Track and the cars were zooming by every two seconds at 70 mph during the ten minute call!

Work was actually fun. My feet hurt like hell and the costume was nice and hideous, but it was cool being there! I did some more safety training stuff in the training room, but then Hugh, our trainer, took us through the exhibits and let us watch the shows and see where we work. I have yet to see STORM STRUCK! though which is where I will be! My group had Sarah from yesterday, then a girl from Honduras, one from South Korea, and one from Peru! We were quite a mix! I even got to go into the EPCOT tunnels!!!! I was so excited. The literally only run under Innoventions, so they are much smaller than the Magic Kingdom ones, but it was still cool. As we were walking around I saw Chip and Dale come down and start removing their heads and unzipping the costumes as they walked..... so strange! Especially to go up the stairs and see a fully costumed Chip and Dale waiting to go outside to interact with the guests!!!! They said hi to us, silently naturally, and as we went to leave the tunnels we saw it was POURING yet again. So Chip and Dale did the silent fist pump of victory as they got to go into the air-conditioned indoor character spot instead of the outside one in the sun!

At night I got to do Illuminations Parade duty. It was so cool. Tonight we actually got to watch the whole show so we can say we have seen it all, and we were in the best spot ever. In front of the ropes closer than anyone else!!!! Normally we do crowd control and block off areas and just make sure people aren't stupid, but tonight we just got to watch. Then my second favorite part of the day happened, the first being talking to Ryan! After the fireworks we hurried towards the entrance and stood on the big fountain that is there. We were all given Mickey Mouse stuffed glove hand things and we waved goodbye to all the guests as they left. Everyone had the biggest smiles on their faces as they waved back to us. I got high fives even from ambitious kids who jumped high enough! We all said things like, "Thanks for coming! See you again soon! Goodnight! Thanks again! Good luck finding your car in the parking lot!" It was amazing. Everyone was just so happy and replied to us with so much energy even though we all were exhausted! I hope I get to close a lot, parade duty is amazing and doing that goodbye thing would make me smile even on the worst days. Then I took the bus home and there were all the international kids on my bus! Norway, Mexico, Italy, Germany, Japan, China.... I honestly heard about six different languages on the bus alone! When I got home I then took my room mate Amanda (the one from University of Haiwaii) to Walmart... it still boggles my mind they are 24 hours down here. And it was packed! So she did her grocery shopping and I got home about twelve thirty in the morning....... the latest I had been up since moving here!

Day Six

A day off!!!! Mom, Dad, and Stefan came to my apartment and I moved the rest of my stuff in and then we met Dad’s cousin who got them into Hollywood Studios (aka MGM) for free with me since my passes for guests don’t work yet. I spent the day with them there and it was cool, I love that park! I got to be in a stunt show too in the backlot studio tour! I was the Crazy deckhand who got shot at and completely soaked!

But sad news..... I went to the Indiana Jones stunt show and as we’re leaving this bitch knocked me from behind and made me drop my camera and it broke! My camera is like it is a part of me first of all, but this is the camera Ryan gave me for our anniversary. It means so much to me and I honestly cried right there in the park. It won’t work anymore. :(

When I got home though I made dinner and then my phone rang... Don’t Stop Believin! It was Ryan! That is his ringtone!!!!!! It was after six so it was late for him so I was surprised. We got to really really talk for about half an hour and it was great to hear his voice. Then he had to go, so I sadly finished dinner and then my phone rang again! He had to call me back as he wanted to talk more and I loved it. So I got over an hour to talk to him. But then when he went to say goodbye this time I kind of lost it. I honestly started crying which just came out of nowhere. I felt awful for doing it but we talked a bit more than I calmed down.

I went outside to relax a bit and breathe and I met the guys who live across the hall from me who just moved in. One is going to be Tigger in Magic Kingdom! Pretty cool. We chatted a bit then I came back in here and compiled this way too long of a post. Thanks for reading if anyone did! Tomorrow my best friend Sam is coming here and seeing the place then the family and us are going to a park to hang out. And Jess, my friend from school, is coming too! Yay!

Whew.

Back in NJ

Whew. I am officially no longer in the DC area :( I miss it already! I mean I love being home with my family, but I love DC and I miss being there. This picture was taken last week when Cat and I went down to the mall to just hang out. We went to the two Sculpture Gardens and played travel Scabble as we watched the summer kickball and softball leagues play on the mall. Then I mentioned in my last entry Cat and I climbed (er, took the elevator) up the Washington Monument on Tuesday so I feel like I've seen the National Mall at all angles! I was there during President Obama's Inagural Concert and for Inaguration (in freezing cold weather from 5am-3pm!), for protests, to hang out with friends, to watch them film movies, to celebrate my 19th birthday... I have so many good memories over the last for years in this one place alone in DC I can't believe I can't just hop on the metro anymore and be there in like half an hour. I am about four hours away now! It feels so weird. Sometimes when I am away from DC I feel like my whole life there doesn't exist, and vice versa. In DC home in NJ seemed so far away. It's strange.

Anyway. Friday my dad was at my apartment around 7:30am. I was up until 3am cleaning and packing my car, so it was not a good wake up call! We packed up the van and we were out of there by about 9am. We stopped for lunch at my rest stop, the Maryland House on 95, and I was home by 1pm. Driving through Philidelphia I saw about six Marine Corps billboards and every single one made me think of Ryan and how much I love him and how proud of him I am. I got a tiny bit teary around the fourth one and fell driving behind my dad and sneaked a cigarette so I could keep going! So we got home and Mom helped us unload the car and then we just hung out for a bit. My Babci (grandmother) sent me a shoebox of pictures she found so my mom and I went through them and then I napped for an hour. We had a huge thunderstorm system thing move in during my nap, so it went from sunny and hot to torrential downpour!

Mom and I decided to drive and see Babci and Poppy since she got released from the hospital today. We stopped at a park near their house since my Mom wanted to smoke with me, it was funny. It was the park she and George (my biological father/asshole of a guy) took their wedding photos in, which was weird to be back there. But we went and had dinner with my grandparents. My Babci's sister, my Aunt Ceil, made pasta with meat sauce, zucchini quiche, and chocolate cake that also strangely enough had zucchini in it! I don't like zucchini, but this was all reeeeeeally good!!! We visited for a few hours and I napped again for an hour in the back room with my Poppy, side by side in our arm chairs! It was apparently a funny sight. Then we drove home.

Today I got up, went shopping with Mom, picked up my dad and brother after they kayaaked the river nearby, and then came home to talk to Ryan! I got about an hour online with him (: After he left I got ready and we went to Church. I don't know what started it, but as we were getting there I got really upset with my dad. I think it started in the car. I mentioned Ryan was talking about the Health Care plans on the news and all and my mom said she doesn't like the idea of the government paying for abortions which I don't care for either personally, but she went on to say something about not just abortion, but euthanasia and birth control. That threw me. I was like, "Wait a second, why is Birth Control up there with abortion and euthanasia??" And she started talking about the Catholic thing and I said I knew she used to take it, she knows I do... and she said stuff about absitnence etc. I said, "Yea, I am sure everyone in our church is doing that mom. If they were we'd all be in families of 18 like that Duggar reality tv show. I'm sorry if I feel like at 21 I don't feel ready to bring a child into the world so excuse me for using Birth Control." To which Stefan, my 12 year old brother, pipes up "What's birth control?"

Oops.

Well we averted that by ignoring it in the heat of our argument and we were almost at church when my mom mentioned my icky neighbor across the street came over today to deliver our mail she got by mistake. She was my former algebra teacher and a rip roaring bitch. This is where I got uspet. Dad started teasing me sort of about her son Matt, the creepy kid who is her son. He sort of had a crush on me way back when and was a bit older than me and he was just Weird with a capital W. So Dad was like, "Hey maybe Matt talked her into it. You should give him a call, hang out." And I said no thanks I'm taken, kept walking. And he kept going. My Mom was like, "She is in a committed relationship Bill. Stop it." And my dad was like, "Yea but Ryan isn't here, he wouldn't know." I swear to God I've never felt any real bad feelings against my dad before, but for the first time in my life I wanted to hit him. I was telling him to stop but in that one I said it again with an edge in my voice I don't think I've ever used before. I started tuning him out as he was talking to my mom, "Yea you heard what your dad (aka my poppy (grandfather) said)..." and went on to say something about some Sgt who cheated when he was stationed elsewhere so I am not the only one to worry about etc. I honestly felt tears in my eyes and I turned to my mom and said, "Seriously, make him stop, now." And I guess she did. I didn't say a word to him until halfway through dinner later tonight. I was just so angry. My mom said he was just teasing me and trying to get a rise out of me, probably didnt even realize how upset I was, but it still hurt regardless.

Anyway. We went to dinner at this restaurant called Old Man Rafferty's, which was really nice. A glass of prosecco (Italian champagne) later I felt better and I started talking to my dad again without realizing it. We're past it now so I guess it is ok, I let it go. After dinner Mom and I went to Wegmans and did some grocery shopping, in the pouring rain of course. My friend Cat called to say hi and see how I was doing at home, I miss her! The picture over here was from a week or so ago when we went to Great Falls VA and hiked around for awhile. I love that park. It is about 15 minutes outside of DC and you'd never expect to find such awesome scenery so close to a city!!

Then Mom and I came home, worked on putting a care package or two together for Ryan (: and wrote some letters. Stefan leaves for camp bright and early tomorrow so she was writing him a card or two to have when he gets there. After that we went in the hot tub, smoked a bit, and just talked. My mom was telling me all about how she put my scrapbooks together for my college graduation present, just what the process was and how much work went into organizing it and how the lady that taught us how to scrap book helped her put it together. She is thinking of doing one for Stefan up until 8th grade for him and all his stuff... which would be cool.

Then I came upstairs, uploaded my pictures to facebook, which finally took! I had been trying for days and it kept failing but I got them up at last! Then I emailed Ryan. Now I am going to head to sleep... hopefully sleep in tomorrow! We might go visit Babci and Poppy for dinner but tomorrow is pretty open. Next weekend, Sunday the 9th, is their 62nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it! 62 years....

I hope someday I can say it is my 62nd anniversary ;)

Stressed, 3 Hour Talk, First overseas fight....

The past two days have been all over the place. On Monday my friend, who I won't name, called me for help. She has had small seizures since she was fifteen but usually she has what they call petite mal seizures, where she basically just zones out for a second. But yesterday she had her first grand mal seizure while on the phoen with her Dad, a neurosurgeon. So instead of going to work I left lunch with Nadia, and went to keep an eye on my friend. Her Dad told me what to do and not to go to the hospital unless it was longer than five minutes. We had dinner and watched movies before she got pretty tired and went to lie down. I also saw a beautiful rainbow earlier when we were driving back to my place, it was a wicked thunderstom with the sun out which was cool but there was this massive rainbow arcing across the sky... anyway.

That night turned out to be incredibly difficult. After I emailed Ryan my nightly email I watched TV a bit and settled down to go to sleep. Around 1am, just as I was dozing, I saw my friend have a grand mal seizure. It was about ten seconds long and she seemed ok, but then at 1:20am she had another one, this one a minute long. I started writing down how long they were and how long they lasted which proved to be useful later. She was on a mattress on my floor so I hopped out of bed and did what her Dad told me to... I kept her head to the side and stopped her from hitting anything the best I could. She came to and was ok and we went to sleep again around 2am. At 3:30am I woke up to hear her starting again. Her seizures always start basically in her left arm, so it would be jerking around and wake me up. This one was bigger and longer, lasting close to five minutes. When she came to again we called her Dad and he said that if she had another one, no matter how long, she had to go to the hospital. Which she wasn't too thrilled with but I told her if she had one more she was going. Sure enough around 4:00am she starts again, punching the mattress and slamming her head around... this one was huge. I literally had to fight to keep her from flipping off the mattress. It lasted almost seven minutes, her breathing was worse in this one, almost high pitched, and it seemed like an eternity before she stopped. So into the car we went.

Her neurologist is in Georgetown, the GW hospital near the Foggy Bottom metro stop, so we drove there at 4:30am. We told her Dad and her friend Jen what was going on as it was happening. We got to the hospital and somehow found our way to the ER and she was taken back straight away. As we're explaining what happened they took blood and put her on a heart monitor the doctor is just asking questions.... then her left arm starts jerking. The Doctor was like, "Are you cold?" And I jumped up and told them she was about to start another seizure. This was about 5:45 am. They held her arms and I held her head and just talked to her, trying to bring her back and calm her down. This one was awful, she clenched her jaw down and turned so red she was almost purple and was nearly foaming at the mouth. I don't know if you've ever seen anyone have a grand mal seizure, last night was my first time, and it is absoutely terrifying. I felt so helpless the entire time. I had about two hours of sleep and it was just rough. The gave her some shot that helped prevent another one from coming and it kind of made her a little loopy for awhile as we sat in the ER for ages. I was on adrenaline and couldn't sleep so I just held her hand while they ran tests.

Around 9am they released her from the ER, but her Dad wanted us to go up to the neurology department before we went home. So up we went. The ran a whole bunch of tests again and my friend told me to leave. She told me to go home and get sleep, they might admit her to the hospital, and she'd call me if she needed me. I felt awful leaving her there, but I had to meet Cat at noon and go into work so sleep was definitely needed. I ended up crashing on Cat's couch for two hours and then we went to the Washington Monument for 1:30pm. Of course we get there are realize our tickets are for 3:30pm, but luckily some lady nearby had two extra she just gave us and we gave ours to a park ranger to give to someone to use at 3:30pm. It was cool up there, I could see my apartment from one side!

In the mean time my friend in the hospital taxied home and her friend Jen came in from Minnesota to be with her and watch her. I wasn't thrilled that the hospital released her. The monitoring room they wanted to send her to for one to three days was booked and she had an MRI scheduled already for Thursday so there was no reason to keep her apparently. Anyway, then we went back and I went and hung lights for about four hours. I got 80% of the job, Rich, Mo, and Cat are going to finish the rest. The next two days I will be packing and cleaning, especially since I couldn't do that at all last night since I was watching my friend.

When I got home Jen texted me saying that she had been there about five minutes when my friend had another grand mal seizure. This one lasted about twenty minutes with a lull in the middle. She was a bit freaked so I calmed her down and they called her Dad who called the hospital. About an hour or two later Jen texted me again saying there was another one, this one even worse than the one previously, and they were going to the hospital to have her admitted. I am kind of terrified. She never had a grand mal seizure before and she had about eight now in the past twenty four hours. She can't drive until they settle this which is hard gfor the fact that she and Jen were supposed to go on a cross country road trip Saturday.

So that was my day yesterday. I caulked my walls, cleaned the stove, started the oven and floors... today I am going to the Salvation Army and packing like crazy, then meeting friends at Colonel Brooks for one last night out.

I wish Ryan was here. This is so hard, after I left her at the hospital I nearly broke down driving, all the exhaustion and fear and terror just caught up with me and I just started crying as I drove. On top of that and work and packing and cleaning I just miss him so incredibly much.

Then of course we had our first fight online today since he's been in Iraq. We managed to talk for three hours, the fight only about half an hours worth in the middle. Basically he was asking me for some certain pictures and I just don't have the time right now. It takes me ages to do those and I am not 100% comfortable with it. But during this talk my facebook told Ryan I logged off so her got mad and sent an angry message and I sent one back saying I was still there and we managed to fix things. Even though for a bit I was scared and crying like the silly worrier I am. Then I just said it was stupid, we can't waste time fighting over this crap, and it will be ok. Now, off to packing!

Not much change...

So this week has been pretty standard. I usually wake up around 7am or so and talk to Ryan for a bit and then go back to bed. If I am lucky I catch him again around 3pm and of course we have our emails. I still have yet to hear his voice, just in the saved voicemail I have on my phone for eleven more days.

Yesterday, Cat and I had a nice late pizza lunch and then we went and walked from Chinatown to the mall. We walked through the sculpture garden at the museum and put our feet in the fountain. Then we crossed the mall to the other sculpture garden and walked through it. In there they had this project started by Yoko Ono, you know, the wench who broke up the Beatles :P Anyway, it was called the Wishing Tree and it was this beautiful tree and next to it there was this box. Inside was paper and pencils and you write your wish on it and hang it on the tree. The have them in a lot of major cities apparently, it was beautiful. I wrote one wishing for Ryan and TFE to come home safely from Iraq... so I was definitely thinking of him as usual.

Some of the wishes were very silly, some typical, and some sad. There was one wish on the very bottom of the tree that said "I wish I were taller"! And one that wrenched my heart said "I wish no children would have to suffer from cancer" in pencil, then in the same handwriting under it said, "Especially my own". Others wished for love or fame or forture... and oddly a lot of them wished for puppies! You could tell a lot of little kids visited that tree!

After that we walked on the mall and watched the kickball and softball teams. If I ever live in DC again, and part of me hopes I do someday as I really do love this city... I want to join one of those leagues in the summer. They look like so much fun! But we watched them a bit and then we played Scrabble on a bench nearby. Cat had a travel edition we were itching to break out! It was a good game, we didn't keep score and managed to get all the tiles on the board. We then walked down to my favorite memorial, the WW2 one, and took a few pictures along the way. We then walked back to Chinatown and we saw that Navy band playing near the metro stop at the Archives so we listened for a bit before heading back. Then we all headed to my apartment and Anna Laura met us there. Coincedentally the 5th Harry Potter movie was on HBO, so we watched it and snacked on some chips and chicken nuggets and just talked. Then we went to the movie.

The movie was really good. One of the better versions of the book I've seen, so I was pretty happy about most of it. And it was looooong! We got out around 2:40am and I just got home, around an hour later. I drove Rich, Nick, and Cat home since they live by campus and the metro was obviously closed. But we had a good time. I heard that Darius Rucker song Ryan likes on the radio as I was driving, the one with "I've got a roof over my head the woman I love laying in my bed and its alright..." and I thought of him. It made me smile and kept me awake as I made the last leg home.

Tomorrow I think I am driving down to Quantico to hang out with Nadia for the day. I think both of us could use the distraction. She is pretty miserable as she doesn't get to talk to Spencer (her husband) as much as I do to Ryan. And the kids keep asking her where Daddy is which breaks my heart.

I am a little nervous. Ryan told me he has a new mission now, different from before. He can tell me about it maybe when it is half done or not til the end. I am praying for them all and I know they know what they're doing. I know communication will be rough once he is off base so I am really cherishing these emails and facebook chats. I am also dorkily saving them all! So when there are days I can't talk to him I will be re-reading them religiously. I can promise that.

Oh Babci's surgery was today, hip replacement. I know it will be fine, it is the recovery we're all worried about. I love the woman but she can be a pain in the ass! Especially with stuff like this. Poor Mom is going nuts! My Dad picked up Babci and Poppy and bought them to our house only to have them realize they forgot Babci's X-Rays! So Mom had to drive an hour to get them and an hour back because they cannot and will not do the surgery without them! She wasn't too happy about that.

Oh! My room mate Caitlin is moving out today. I will officially be the only person left in my apartment!!! Weird! I feel like I live alone basically anyways so not much will change, but it will be weird. Kinda lonely too. Boo. At least its only for like two or three weeks. I have to start packing and organizing and now I can throw anything left behind without wondering who it belongs to. If it is left it is either mine or gone!

My adventure today was small... Anna Laura ran out of gas so I went to get her! Then I read outside by the fountain for an hour before coming back to the apartment.


Gosh I really miss him today. Today is one of the worst days since he actually left. I feel so... lonely.

Just Another Tuesday...

You know, when that Tuesday is probably the last time you're going to see your boyfriend for seven months. I didn't have rehearsal yesterday and Ryan got off work early so I drove down to see him. It took me about an hour and a half thanks to traffic but I got there early enough to beat rush hour at least. I helped him pack up some of his stuff in his room. He has been trying to pack all week but everytime they get something packed their section leader wants to do an inspection so they have to unpack to do it all again! Well, their idea of packing is rolling something into a ball and shoving it into the bag and standing on it or punching it until it is compact.

After packing for a bit we went for dinner in Q-Town at this place called Sam's. It was pretty good, I got some stuffed shells and loved being able to sit and eat with my Marine in his camis. He's too adorable in them.

We went back to the room and hung out a bit more. It was so surreal that this may be the last time we're together besides the send off. It was really hard to wrap my brain around. I just loved being with him, I kept the tears in check the entire time and just enjoyed being with him. A bunch of the guys ended up wanting to watch the Big Lebowski so we started that but it started getting late. Halfway through the movie I knew I needed to go if I was going to make the trip home.

I offered to stay at the Crossroads, the hotel on base, so we could have one more night together. Just to fall asleep with him at my side. But he said no. It was a waste of money and things would be harder for him if we did that. So I respected that and left. He walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. I was doing pretty well until he said, "I'll see you at send off." I got in the car and waved goodbye and as soon as he was out of sight I started crying. I called my mom and talked to her the entire way back to DC. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Thanks to road work I got home at around 12:30am. I texted Ryan to tell him I made it home and say good night and got a text back. Then he texted me again saying he was a dumbass. I replied, Why??? He basically went on to tell me that he thought it would be easier if he didn't spend the night with me and now all he wanted was me lying next to him one more time before he goes. I replied to him that he would not have said that originally if he didn't know deep down it was true and that it was ok. I didn't feel it really but I was sort of telling him what I knew he needed to hear, because lord knows I just wanted to be with him! And he replied that he just didn't know, he was so confused. He knows he wants to be with me forever but he can't so he is pushing me away which is the opposite of what he wants. I told him again it was ok. He could push me all he wanted I am not going anywhere. And we can be together. We will make it through this deployment and have time for one another fully once more. I even offered to drive down tomorrow night (aka tonight) to spend it with him when I got off rehearsal if he wanted me to.

And that was kind of where we left it. Tack on an I love you and that was it.

Today is our one year and two month anniversary.