You know, when that Tuesday is probably the last time you're going to see your boyfriend for seven months. I didn't have rehearsal yesterday and Ryan got off work early so I drove down to see him. It took me about an hour and a half thanks to traffic but I got there early enough to beat rush hour at least. I helped him pack up some of his stuff in his room. He has been trying to pack all week but everytime they get something packed their section leader wants to do an inspection so they have to unpack to do it all again! Well, their idea of packing is rolling something into a ball and shoving it into the bag and standing on it or punching it until it is compact.
After packing for a bit we went for dinner in Q-Town at this place called Sam's. It was pretty good, I got some stuffed shells and loved being able to sit and eat with my Marine in his camis. He's too adorable in them.
We went back to the room and hung out a bit more. It was so surreal that this may be the last time we're together besides the send off. It was really hard to wrap my brain around. I just loved being with him, I kept the tears in check the entire time and just enjoyed being with him. A bunch of the guys ended up wanting to watch the Big Lebowski so we started that but it started getting late. Halfway through the movie I knew I needed to go if I was going to make the trip home.
I offered to stay at the Crossroads, the hotel on base, so we could have one more night together. Just to fall asleep with him at my side. But he said no. It was a waste of money and things would be harder for him if we did that. So I respected that and left. He walked me to my car and we said our goodbyes. I was doing pretty well until he said, "I'll see you at send off." I got in the car and waved goodbye and as soon as he was out of sight I started crying. I called my mom and talked to her the entire way back to DC. I don't know what I'd do without her.
Thanks to road work I got home at around 12:30am. I texted Ryan to tell him I made it home and say good night and got a text back. Then he texted me again saying he was a dumbass. I replied, Why??? He basically went on to tell me that he thought it would be easier if he didn't spend the night with me and now all he wanted was me lying next to him one more time before he goes. I replied to him that he would not have said that originally if he didn't know deep down it was true and that it was ok. I didn't feel it really but I was sort of telling him what I knew he needed to hear, because lord knows I just wanted to be with him! And he replied that he just didn't know, he was so confused. He knows he wants to be with me forever but he can't so he is pushing me away which is the opposite of what he wants. I told him again it was ok. He could push me all he wanted I am not going anywhere. And we can be together. We will make it through this deployment and have time for one another fully once more. I even offered to drive down tomorrow night (aka tonight) to spend it with him when I got off rehearsal if he wanted me to.
And that was kind of where we left it. Tack on an I love you and that was it.
Today is our one year and two month anniversary.