Loss

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write this blog. Ryan and I talked about it for awhile and he finally looked at me and said, "Do you think it would help anyone else? Because that is what I think your blog does. It helps people." I thought about that for a bit and I remembered some of the "harder" things I had blogged about. I blogged about two surgeries, when my marriage needed some extra help, the Birthday Ball, PCSing, bullying, deployments, wedding planning, engagement.... and whether someone said it to me directly or in a comment or an email I know they helped others. So maybe this will help someone too. I know I felt pretty alone for some of this and finding some other blogs did help me. I've had my blog for nearly six years now and this is part of our lives... the good and the bad. 

Ok.

I wanted to blog about our fifth wedding anniversary on May 1st. I wanted to blog about Mother's Day.  But I couldn't.... not this year.

Right before our anniversary I had a feeling. I was late. We have been trying to conceive since July with out much luck. My being sick and having surgery probably didn't help matters but when this month rolled around I couldn't help but get excited as the days continued to pass without my monthly visitor arriving. On a whim I went and got a pregnancy test on my way home from work on a night when Ryan was lateman and on the range and wouldn't be home. I had gone with my friend Donna to buy Ryan his anniversary present (we do the traditional gifts if you remember, so year five is wood and he got a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel) and as soon as she left I took the test. 

Not even thirty seconds later it showed positive.

I screamed. I cried. I scared the hell out of the Dup.

Ryan had mentioned me bringing dinner to him so I texted him asking if he wanted me to bring him food. He replied yes and I was pretty thankful. I am awful at keeping secrets and I knew I was about to burst. Ryan had to be the first to know so I couldn't see or talk to anyone else before him! I wanted to do something cute and special but I was on a time crunch. I found an old bracelet box that I wrapped and put the test inside with a special message.

I had to drive almost half an hour to the range where Ryan was and my heart was racing the entire time. I sent him another text saying I really had to talk to him in private about something that happened today. He agreed. I finally got there and sneakily set up my phone on the dashboard to record his reaction. I told Ryan I had an early anniversary present for him and I couldn't keep it a secret. He was really funny saying he didn't even have mine yet and he had been on the range all day and he didn't think he could properly appreciate a present at the moment. I don't have the heart to post the video itself but you can see from the below screen shots he definitely appreciated the present. I was smiling like an idiot and we both probably cried.

We were very excited. We called our parents to tell them the news but decided beyond that we wouldn't start telling people until the right amount of time had passed. Ryan had to mention it to some of his coworkers when he got back in since he was worried and telling them about how we had to have a "talk". We also agreed some of our best friends could know too. I hung out with Ryan for awhile longer before heading back home and calling my best friend Sam to tell her the long awaited news. As I was on the phone the Dup promptly hopped up on the bed with me and snuggled in on my belly.... something she hasn't done in ages.

For a very, very short time.... things were perfect.

On our fifth anniversary I woke up feeling ok, but kind of crampy. I didn't really think anything of it and I called the Naval Hospital to talk to my PCM about what to do next. They told me just to head in to the lab that day and we'd go from there. Ryan got home after I got out of the shower and we started discussing what to do for our anniversary. My stomach was starting to cramp more and more and I started to feel a little nervous. I went to the bathroom and saw a little blood and my heart stopped.

I called my mom in a panic. Was I overreacting? Was this normal? She told me to call my doctor.

I called my PCM back, choking back tears, and asked what to do. After being passed around they gave me to a nurse who had had implantation bleeding and they wanted to make sure she was the one I spoke with. I described everything and she told me not to panic and to come in and do my test as planned. She also told me other symptoms to look for if things weren't good. Ryan had to go do a height and weight thing and take a MarineNet class and we agreed to meet up after I went to the lab. When I got to the Naval Hospital I went to the lab and they handed me a cup to give a sample. I went back into the rest room and my heart basically stopped. So much blood... it scared the hell out of me. I couldn't give a sample, all that was coming out was blood and clots and it was bright red.... the color the nurse warned me wouldn't be a good sign. I came out of the bathroom shaking and crying and the technicians walked me straight to the Emergency Room.

Not where I expected to be on my fifth wedding anniversary.

In the ER things were nuts for a bit. I finally managed to give them a sample, but it was basically red. They took blood samples and my vitals and it was a lot of waiting. I texted Ryan and he told me he was on his way and he arrived just as the doctor came in to talk to me. Based on some of the tests they knew I was pregnant, but early.... but they weren't sure if it was just a regular pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy, or a miscarriage. An ultrasound showed my lining looked pregnant, but it was too soon to see if anything was there or had been there. They also did a vaginal ultrasound to try and rule out an ectopic pregnancy since I was in pain. Naturally in between all of these there was the endless waiting of the Emergency Room. Ryan crawled in to the bed with me and held me as I cried since I was so terrified. We nodded off for a bit too before all the tests came back... inconclusive. After hours and hours.

My doctor was wonderful. He had me at ease as much as can be but I was still a crying mess, but he was great. He scheduled me a follow up for that Wednesday. He basically said if my blood work went up (my HCG) then I was still pregnant, but if it stayed the same or dropped it would indicate a miscarriage. So with a follow up appointment and prescriptions for Tylenol, prenatal vitamins and zofran, we were finally on our way. Since we took separate cars I got in mine to drive home. I hadn't eaten all day so I stopped at Panera to get some soup at the drive thru. As soon as the bag got in the car and the smell hit my nose, my stomach turned and I felt sick. I drove home with all the windows open while secretly thinking, ok, this can be a good thing. Maybe it means I am still pregnant. And then I got home and threw up just in time for Ryan to walk in the door. Poor guy. I got into bed with some medicine and a movie and essentially napped the rest of the day. I had an ice pop for dinner and then we went to bed by 8:30.

I worked the weekend. I was off Monday. I cleaned and grocery shopped. I worked Tuesday. All along I took my prenatal vitamins. I bled for another day or so, but it got lighter in flow and darker in color. All good signs. By Wednesday I was hopeful when I went for my appointment in the lab to get blood drawn.

My arm did not agree with all the needles. It is still bruised and multi colored weeks later. Ryan had duty Wednesday but he asked me if I was ok to go alone. I was. I honestly thought deep down things were going to be ok so I didn't feel the need to have someone with me. I had prayed... our parents and my best friend were sending good vibes and thoughts and prayers. I thought I was still pregnant and around New Year's Eve (my estimated due date) we'd have a baby joining us for the New Year. My appointment with the OBGYN wasn't for two hours so I went home, showered and then headed back to the hospital for my appointment before I was supposed to go to work a closing shift.

Waiting in the waiting room my heart was racing. Women in various stages of pregnancy were all around me and I kept getting that small spark of hope. The nurse finally took me back and we went over everything waiting for the doctor to come out of surgery to see me. She eventually came in and looked at my blood results.

They were down to 5. Pregnancy is detected at 25 and up. I had dropped a lot. I had lost the baby.

A miscarriage.

Even typing the words makes me start to cry again.

The flood gates opened in the doctors office as they handed me the box of tissues. I had to do another ultrasound (of course vaginally) to double check and they said most of the lining even was gone from comparing to five days ago. Everything basically had already passed and she told me I may continue to spot for awhile but it was almost over.

I basically miscarried on our fifth anniversary. I just wasn't sure until five days later.

The doctor was very kind and I basically sobbed my heart out. Both the OBGYN and the ER doctor told me it was nothing I had done, it was probably due to a chromosome abnormality and something was not right so my body naturally passed it. There was nothing I could have done differently... it wasn't my fault. Logically I understood it all... I really did. But emotionally I didn't want to hear it and continued to cry. The doctor offered to call my husband's command to release him or to write notes for us both and I declined. I left and got myself outside and called Ryan to deliver the awful news. My husband had to hear I lost the baby on the phone and I felt awful for him as I sobbed. He told me to get to the car and stay, he was on the way. Duty be darned. I texted my mom and my mother in law and my best friend... I couldn't say it out loud again at that point. I was devastated.

I sat in the car and sobbed until Ryan arrived. He held me and told me again it wasn't my fault. It was ok. I was due to go in to work but I knew I couldn't make it through the day. Ryan got a call from his CO and was told to finish one thing and then to go home with me. I decided to drive over to the library to talk to my manager and see if I could go home. I calmed myself a bit and drove up to the library. I know I could have called but again, I didn't want to be on the phone either. And I wasn't sure we were covered staff wise either. 

I got to work and to the reference office and my boss wasn't there. Standing in the back hallway looking around like a trapped animal my good friend from work, Jo, saw me. She asked me if I was ok and I shook my head no. I told her I lost it not even realizing she had no idea what I was talking about. She figured it out pretty quickly as I once again sobbed my heart out, not realizing I still had tears left. We sat in the office as my manager came in and filled her in. My manager Tara is wonderful and she and Jo listened as I cried and tried to calm me as I waited to hear if Ryan could go home. I was told to take the day off, we were covered, and I was so thankful for the two of them so I didn't have to be alone. They both asked me why I went to that appointment alone and I told them... I honestly thought it would be the opposite outcome. I truly thought I would be still pregnant and ok. I stayed at work, crying with them, for maybe an hour before Ryan was dismissed. I drove home still in tears.

Most of that day I sat with Ryan on the couch and cried. And as unhealthy as it was, drank. I had a few beers as I sat there alternating between numb and sobbing my heart out. I don't really remember what else happened that day... if we watched tv or what we ate or anything. It all was in a haze. I talked to my mom, Ryan talked to his. I cried a lot. I didn't go to work the next day, Thursday, either. Ryan had to go back to work that second day and I stayed home and cried off and on some more. He dragged me out of the house that night for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings just to distract me a bit, which I appreciate more now than I did at the time.

Ryan was worried for a bit when I said I was angry too... angry at myself, angry at the situation, angry at God even though I knew it was wrong. Sometimes it is just easier to want to place blame. I was angry at the one person who asked me if I had done anything strenuous to cause it, or if I was still on pain medication for something (and the answer was NO to both). I was angry at the one ER nurse who said "Oh don't worry honey, it was only a bunch of cells anyway. If you did lose it, it wasn't a baby." (Note: I am Catholic and we believe life begins at conception... that is my personal belief and I will not impose it on anyone else or make anyone else believe what I do... but wrong thing to say to me.) I was thankful Ryan saw my reaction and held me tightly, in a discreet way, so I didn't punch either of them. 

Anger, hurt, guilt, sadness, devastation, mourning, loss, pain, heartache... hitting over and over again.

My heart still hurts. Occasionally I still cry at the drop of a hat or get hit with waves of sadness. That's the hardest. The hormones make it difficult as I go through the waves of sadness or anger. Friends, family and neighbors have reached out and made me feel loved. Some days are harder than others. Mother's Day I had to work but I fought back waves of bitterness and sadness all day.

I know we can try again. I know this doesn't mean it will happen again... I can have a perfectly healthy and normal pregnancy someday as far as the doctors are concerned. But there is always that chance... what if? What if this happens again? To be honest I do not know if my heart could handle it. I have friends and family members who have had multiple miscarriages and I cannot imagine going through this again and again.

I know it won't always hurt like this. I know it will get less painful and less difficult. But our wedding anniversary will now be tied to this loss. Maybe it won't always hurt this badly, but I will think of it. New Years Eve, my due date, will have these thoughts crossing my mind again. It hurts. I still hate those thoughts that go into my head.  

I lost it. I am not pregnant anymore. I had a miscarriage. I lost my baby.

Ryan told me he tries to see the good in every situation. When situation A happened, situation B was able to... and it couldn't have had the first not occurred. But I cannot see any situation that makes losing a child ok. No good can come out of that. Even if and when we get pregnant again, it will not be a joy replacing a sorrow... it will be something separate. Yes it would be wonderful, but it is apples and oranges to me. I cannot see any possible good and I am trying so hard. I know this is where my faith comes in to play and I am trying to leave my heart open to grace at the moment. I am trying to let go of the anger and the bitterness. I am trying to heal. Even though physically I now feel ok, mentally and emotionally it is much slower going.

So, maybe this will help someone someday. Maybe you will see you are not alone, even though you feel like you may be. The hurt, the guilt, the anger, the pain and everything in between... I feel it too. If you found this because of a google search or anything, I am so sorry. I know nothing I can write here will help really, believe me, I know, but maybe it is a start. To any of my friends or family reading this and finding out the news this way, I am sorry I didn't tell you directly... it has been too hard for me to talk about out loud. I know my mom has handled telling some family for me, but I do not know for sure. I told her it was ok to mention it since I just am not up for it yet. Writing this has helped a bit (as all over of the place it is), sort of a catharsis, but I have a long way to go.

Small World

Everyone will always tell you it is a small world. Since I have been married to Ryan I have heard it is an even smaller Marine Corps. Someone will always know someone or have been stationed with someone you knew. This week that really rang true with me.

I am sure most people have heard about the six Marines stationed in Hawaii killed in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan. One of them was from New Jersey. I did not know him personally but we had mutual friends... I discovered this on Facebook. Cpl Kevin Reinhard went to the all boys Catholic high school near me and graduated high school the same year I did. I went to middle school with some of his classmates. He went to college in NJ with some of my friends from my younger years.

Seeing that made me cry. I can't lie.

I also got angry.

When I first heard about the crash it was a thirty second blip on tv on CNN. They were barely mentioned. Yet when Marines are found doing unsavory things, like the urinating on dead bodies, you hear about it non stop. Why are those who gave their lives for their country just a blip? Why are they a small link on the fifth page on the AOL homepage when the bad story is on the front page with a huge picture?

I know the bad news always takes priority in anything. The evils of the world always seem to make bigger headlines than the poignant stories that people should be more aware of. I was telling this to Ryan last night and he was very matter of fact about it. They don't do what they do for a pat on the back or thanks and honor and glory. They do it for a higher calling, because they think it is the right thing to do. If they wanted a job with that level of praise they were in the wrong career field. He never expects anyone to thank him, and in fact it surprises him when they do. He is incredibly humble, I've seen it.

Yet if we are at a rest stop and a WWII vet or a Vietnam vet is wearing a hat or jacket saying so, my husband will be the first to shake their hand and say thank you. I am trying to get better at that too.

Thank you to Captain Daniel B. Bartle, 27, of Ferndale, Washington; Captain Nathan R. McHone, 29, of Crystal Lake, Illinois; Master Sergeant Travis W. Riddick, 40, of Centerville, Iowa; Corporal Jesse W. Stites, 23 of North Beach Maryland, Corporal Kevin J. Reinhard, 25, of Colonia, New Jersey; and Corporal Joseph D. Logan, 22, of Willis, Texas. Your sacrifice is not something I can put into words, but thank you. Thank you for answering to a higher calling and doing what you felt had to be done. Thank you to your families. May all six of you rest in peace.

Priorities people. Priorities.

April Showers

Northern Virginia has been nothing but rain the past few weeks. We have those rare days where it is sunny and warm but then it rains for a few more days and gets a little chilly. Now I don't mean to be complaining about the weather, I know we have it pretty good, but does anyone else feel like they have been waiting for Spring a little longer than normal this year?

What it boils down to I think is that I am tired of being cold.



All winter I have just been cold. At work the heat doesn't flow where I sit, so Sarah and I shared a space heater. I wore long underwear and socks with my heels. Seriously. By the time my car heats up I am at my destination. My apartment gets overheated due to living right above the boiler room so we had windows open or the airconditioner running all winter. I am tired of layers and jackets and shivering. I am ready to step outside of my apartment and be hit with warm air and sunshine.

The DC area is fickle. It will be cold for ages, then a week of "nice" weather, then hot. Then it will be hot for a looong time. Then there will be one more week of "nice" and then back into the cold. There is no equal spread of seasons. Spring and Fall get bled in with Summer and Winter. And it gets annoying.

When I was younger I loved the snow. I loved playing in it and missing school and just the peaceful stillness that accompanied it. Now you know once you're an adult and have to go to work regardless and drive in it and scrape off your car... it becomes less mystical. We didn't even have much snow here this winter, just bitter bitter cold.



This winter was a hard one for our family. I think that may be what makes it feel so long. We encountered heavy loss, illness, uncertainty, and worries that are carrying over even into the Springtime. Losing Ryan's grandfather in January was incredibly difficult. Ryan still wishes he could talk to his Papa, ask advice on big issues in our lives, and he misses him. I miss him too. My surgery in February was a little rough, but it was something I wanted and hoped for and Ryan supported. It did make for some uncomfortable weeks though, during healing. Then this whole re-enlistment business has been over our heads like a dark cloud for months now. Attempt after attempt has fallen though. Plan A obviously stopped, but Plans B, C, D, and even E are floundering. We are still pending.

I love my husband and the support we are giving eachother is amazing. Nothing, especially not cold weather, will change that. We are keeping our faith. We are still waiting and hoping and praying every day.

I know in about two months I will be posting about how ungoldy hot I am and how I wish we could have cooler weather, but for now I am sticking to my guns. Bring it on Spring. Bring. It. On.





Can I just add (on a totally different note since this made me smile today), I really wish I could do this??? (The juggling and the travels!)

Ridiculous

This needs to stop. I cannot have another night like last night.

Absolutely fricken ridiculous.

No more.

Bllllaagh

Not much to say. I put all my creative-ness for blogging today into a guest post and now don't really have anything I want to say!

Ryan got home around 2am since he and Josh had one last night to hang (yea he officially moved today). But I was angry at the hubby for a certain reason that shall be named and we have had clipped exchanges today. I have physical therapy tonight so I am just chilling at work after hours and he has an event til 9 anyway... plus breaking it down after. So who knows.

I was productive yesterday though and got the winter comforter on our bed (AND the bed skirt. You know how hard that is to do alone??), watered the tree, vacuumed needles, then went through all the "boxes" in the dining room. We get care packages from my mom a lot and I had some blog boxes from swaps still sitting around. Most of the stuff was put away and other things accuulated, like old mail and fliers and things that just conveniently fit in the boxes. Well, all gone now. I then snuggled into my snuggie, yes I own one and love it, and watched the Next Great Baker on TLC because I loves me some Cake Boss.

I also tried to call and see if I could schedule a surgery today... no dice. Left a voicemail. This whole process is getting SO old.




RIP to all those who gave their lives on this day in 1941 at Pearl Harbor. It made me a little sad to sign on to AOL and Yahoo and glance at CNN and no one even mention it. I don't expect it to take over the news, but it should be at least there. But I will mention it. Thank you.

Also RIP Elizabeth Edwards, I just saw on CNN she passed away. I hope her children will find comfort in her peace.

Back in NJ

Whew. I am officially no longer in the DC area :( I miss it already! I mean I love being home with my family, but I love DC and I miss being there. This picture was taken last week when Cat and I went down to the mall to just hang out. We went to the two Sculpture Gardens and played travel Scabble as we watched the summer kickball and softball leagues play on the mall. Then I mentioned in my last entry Cat and I climbed (er, took the elevator) up the Washington Monument on Tuesday so I feel like I've seen the National Mall at all angles! I was there during President Obama's Inagural Concert and for Inaguration (in freezing cold weather from 5am-3pm!), for protests, to hang out with friends, to watch them film movies, to celebrate my 19th birthday... I have so many good memories over the last for years in this one place alone in DC I can't believe I can't just hop on the metro anymore and be there in like half an hour. I am about four hours away now! It feels so weird. Sometimes when I am away from DC I feel like my whole life there doesn't exist, and vice versa. In DC home in NJ seemed so far away. It's strange.

Anyway. Friday my dad was at my apartment around 7:30am. I was up until 3am cleaning and packing my car, so it was not a good wake up call! We packed up the van and we were out of there by about 9am. We stopped for lunch at my rest stop, the Maryland House on 95, and I was home by 1pm. Driving through Philidelphia I saw about six Marine Corps billboards and every single one made me think of Ryan and how much I love him and how proud of him I am. I got a tiny bit teary around the fourth one and fell driving behind my dad and sneaked a cigarette so I could keep going! So we got home and Mom helped us unload the car and then we just hung out for a bit. My Babci (grandmother) sent me a shoebox of pictures she found so my mom and I went through them and then I napped for an hour. We had a huge thunderstorm system thing move in during my nap, so it went from sunny and hot to torrential downpour!

Mom and I decided to drive and see Babci and Poppy since she got released from the hospital today. We stopped at a park near their house since my Mom wanted to smoke with me, it was funny. It was the park she and George (my biological father/asshole of a guy) took their wedding photos in, which was weird to be back there. But we went and had dinner with my grandparents. My Babci's sister, my Aunt Ceil, made pasta with meat sauce, zucchini quiche, and chocolate cake that also strangely enough had zucchini in it! I don't like zucchini, but this was all reeeeeeally good!!! We visited for a few hours and I napped again for an hour in the back room with my Poppy, side by side in our arm chairs! It was apparently a funny sight. Then we drove home.

Today I got up, went shopping with Mom, picked up my dad and brother after they kayaaked the river nearby, and then came home to talk to Ryan! I got about an hour online with him (: After he left I got ready and we went to Church. I don't know what started it, but as we were getting there I got really upset with my dad. I think it started in the car. I mentioned Ryan was talking about the Health Care plans on the news and all and my mom said she doesn't like the idea of the government paying for abortions which I don't care for either personally, but she went on to say something about not just abortion, but euthanasia and birth control. That threw me. I was like, "Wait a second, why is Birth Control up there with abortion and euthanasia??" And she started talking about the Catholic thing and I said I knew she used to take it, she knows I do... and she said stuff about absitnence etc. I said, "Yea, I am sure everyone in our church is doing that mom. If they were we'd all be in families of 18 like that Duggar reality tv show. I'm sorry if I feel like at 21 I don't feel ready to bring a child into the world so excuse me for using Birth Control." To which Stefan, my 12 year old brother, pipes up "What's birth control?"

Oops.

Well we averted that by ignoring it in the heat of our argument and we were almost at church when my mom mentioned my icky neighbor across the street came over today to deliver our mail she got by mistake. She was my former algebra teacher and a rip roaring bitch. This is where I got uspet. Dad started teasing me sort of about her son Matt, the creepy kid who is her son. He sort of had a crush on me way back when and was a bit older than me and he was just Weird with a capital W. So Dad was like, "Hey maybe Matt talked her into it. You should give him a call, hang out." And I said no thanks I'm taken, kept walking. And he kept going. My Mom was like, "She is in a committed relationship Bill. Stop it." And my dad was like, "Yea but Ryan isn't here, he wouldn't know." I swear to God I've never felt any real bad feelings against my dad before, but for the first time in my life I wanted to hit him. I was telling him to stop but in that one I said it again with an edge in my voice I don't think I've ever used before. I started tuning him out as he was talking to my mom, "Yea you heard what your dad (aka my poppy (grandfather) said)..." and went on to say something about some Sgt who cheated when he was stationed elsewhere so I am not the only one to worry about etc. I honestly felt tears in my eyes and I turned to my mom and said, "Seriously, make him stop, now." And I guess she did. I didn't say a word to him until halfway through dinner later tonight. I was just so angry. My mom said he was just teasing me and trying to get a rise out of me, probably didnt even realize how upset I was, but it still hurt regardless.

Anyway. We went to dinner at this restaurant called Old Man Rafferty's, which was really nice. A glass of prosecco (Italian champagne) later I felt better and I started talking to my dad again without realizing it. We're past it now so I guess it is ok, I let it go. After dinner Mom and I went to Wegmans and did some grocery shopping, in the pouring rain of course. My friend Cat called to say hi and see how I was doing at home, I miss her! The picture over here was from a week or so ago when we went to Great Falls VA and hiked around for awhile. I love that park. It is about 15 minutes outside of DC and you'd never expect to find such awesome scenery so close to a city!!

Then Mom and I came home, worked on putting a care package or two together for Ryan (: and wrote some letters. Stefan leaves for camp bright and early tomorrow so she was writing him a card or two to have when he gets there. After that we went in the hot tub, smoked a bit, and just talked. My mom was telling me all about how she put my scrapbooks together for my college graduation present, just what the process was and how much work went into organizing it and how the lady that taught us how to scrap book helped her put it together. She is thinking of doing one for Stefan up until 8th grade for him and all his stuff... which would be cool.

Then I came upstairs, uploaded my pictures to facebook, which finally took! I had been trying for days and it kept failing but I got them up at last! Then I emailed Ryan. Now I am going to head to sleep... hopefully sleep in tomorrow! We might go visit Babci and Poppy for dinner but tomorrow is pretty open. Next weekend, Sunday the 9th, is their 62nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it! 62 years....

I hope someday I can say it is my 62nd anniversary ;)

Anger fueled by ignorance...

So I am still trying to figure this out... thanks to the new followers I have! It made me smile to see that. I have tried adding people and for some reason for certain people I show up on their lists twice... so sorry about that. I have tried to fix it but I got frustrated and gave up. Silly technology. If you remove one I won't take offense!

No word from Ryan today :( First time since he has been in Iraq that I heard nothing at all Usually I have an email waiting or I get to facebook chat him at some point. But I know he was starting training today so I half expected it. I got spoiled this week talking to him so much, and I know I need to get used to this sparcer communication! It will be harder now, but we can do it. I am also currently putting together one kick ass carepackage for him.

Now for the rant. Sorry, have to do it. I am a member of a yahoo group called USMC_gals... it is for the wives/fiances/girlfriends of Marines. Just to talk and get advice and reach out to others who understand. I've seen a few people on there who have encountered ignorant people who talk down upon Marines and what sacrifices they make for our country, but I never thought I would face one. Mind you mine was not in person but it infuriated me all the same.

Are you familiar with the Post Secret Project? Basically you but a secret annonymously on a post card and mail it in to this man who runs a website, postsecret.org. Viewing the secrets helps a lot of people realize they are not alone in many ways and it is a great thing.

Well livejournal has a LiveJournalSecret sort of copy cat project, but instead of just updating every Sunday it is every weekday and many more of them. I usually read them and comment occassionally, but I came across this one today and for the first time in my life I saw red.

http://i28.tinypic.com/2mnpqtx.jpg

If you can't open the link (because I would never dare post such a picture as a picture here), it is a sillouhette of a soldier against an American flag, then in text it says, "Seeing or thinking of soliders dying in Iraq never fails to put a smile on my face."

Nearly every person who commented on it said it was probably a troll, someone making a horribly offensive secret just to incite a reaction or whatever... but even so it is a terrible thing to say.

Here was my comment reply on the secret...

27. You are a terrible, terrible person who I pray is a troll but might not be. All those men and women who are fighting in Iraq are fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, friends, loved ones, brothers, sisters, significant others, and friends to countless people. You can disagree all you want with a war but to wish harm on the people willing to lay down their lives for you to spew this crap on the internet is disgusting. Am I biased for having a boyfriend serving in Iraq? Perhaps. But I would never "smile" wishing harm on another human being. You disgust me.

So if any of you have livejournal I encourage you to go to this post and give this jackass a piece of your mind! I know so many people, not just me, who have boyfriends, fiancess, and husbands (and more) that do so much and I know one person should not bother me this much, but I am so infuriated right now I am literally shaking.

http://community.livejournal.com/ljsecret/413855.html?page=2#comments There is the link. Secret number 27 and you can comment on the bottom.

Thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate it.