Hey Jealousy?

So I know one of the biggest issues Ryan and I have in our relationship is the issue of jealousy. His ex was not the nicest person and really hurt his ability to fully trust in others. She basically left him for one of his best friends. Now the problem is, I always have been one to have a big mixed group of friends. I usually have a big mix of guys and girls that I hang out with and that has always been a sore spot for Ryan in our relationship.


Graduation Party

Whether it was me playing video games at my friend Brian's house, hanging out with Nate, Jeff, and Dave from my theatre school when I am home in NJ, or hanging out with Don and Patrick in Disney... we have had pretty decetly sized fights about all of them. I would never do anything to hurt Ryan, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have friends who are guys because, well let's face it, they are usually awesome to hang with, are honest (not catty at any rate), know sports, and are easy to talk to. Girls are much more complicated! I bond really well with one or two girls and get super close, but in big groups I do have my guy friends.


Team Bro-Womance at Disney Cast Quest

Now when I hang out with Don and Patrick here for example, usually it is in a group. 9 times out of 10 it is in a big group. Patrick and Don have a huge "bro-mance", they remind me of Ryan and his room mate Josh in a lot of ways, and Karli and I have the designated "wo-mance" (not as catchy but it works!). Usually the four of us hang out together. Karli's boyfriend Bryce is giving her the same flak Ryan is giving me which makes me feel a bit better, but not much. Patrick is dating Jenny, Don is on-off with Sara... and Karli and I are taken! What is wrong with the four of us being friends?? We work the same venues at work, we have fun together, and it breaks up the monotiny of the day in Innoventions.


The Love of my Life

So I haven't had a phone call from Ryan in nearly a month, and before today our longest talk in a week was maybe 10 minutes. Today he spent an hour of precious internet time (Al Asad sucks for that) arguing with me about being friends with guys! This isn't third grade, boys and girls don't have to be separate from coodies contamination and just because you are male and female does not mean sex has to be involved for any sort of connection to be possible.

These guys are my friends. Nothing more.

1. I have Ryan, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That trumps anything anyone else could throw at me.
2. Not attracted to them. I love them dearly, but these guys become like my brothers. I have three already, I don't mind having more pseudo-ones in the mix.
3. If anyone, and I mean anyone, was disrespectful to me or my relationship I'd kick them in the balls so hard they'd come out of their noses.

The guys hear me talk about Ryan all the time. They want to see him when he comes down here. It is no secret. I have always been upfront and honest with Ryan in our relationship, and I think that is what makes all the difference.

He eventually backed off and apologized. I did too. I know it bothers him, but I don't seek out guys to befriend on purpose or anything. They are just my friends. Plain and simple. And usually when he DOES meet them he gets along great with them. Example given being my graduation party when Ryan went off with Jeff, Nate, and Dave on a cigarette run to a store 2 minutes away and we're gone for nearly 45 minutes. They got along great.

Sorry for the venting today, I was just frustrated that the hour and a half we had to talk this morning had almost an hour wasted on a pointless fight we've had many times before. Of course it ends up ok in the end, but I hate fighting with Ryan over anything and it is frustrating with him so far away. He will be back soon and I know we will be just fine. In 10 days I will tackle him, I swear I will!

I know he wants to be here with me and experiencing Disney with me like my friends here get to... and he will once he goes on leave. I told him he has to trust me. He said he did, it was the other guys he didn't trust. I said it doesn't really work that way, you have to trust my ability to choose my friends and the people I associate with, if they weren't good people, they wouldn't be in my life. Wow, this came out to be a much longer entry than I intended. Props if you read it!

It is all about the trust baby.

The Good and the Bad

First... The Bad
I won't be at homecoming for Ryan.
I haven't had a phone call from him since September 30th.

BUT the Good
I will be there for Ryan's 96! Hopefully the 96 information was right since my flight is now booked! And work oks everything...
I did get to talk to him this morning online for a little bit. It was slow and not for long, but it was so incredibly worth it.

These next few weeks are going to be so agonizingly slow! I am really upset I cannot be there for him getting off the bus. Megan and Nadia said they'd take pictures for me, but it isn't the same. I couldn't get the short notice to work and the flight would be $250 vs the $130 I paid for next week.

Day Two on the Floor

So last night my room mate Amanda and I were up late. We watched Bridezillas on WE and I got so angry watching it! One woman called her ex husband who was serving in Iraq and asked for more money as child support for their son... then used it to pay for more of her wedding to her new husband!! Disgusting! But then we watched What A Girl Wants, the Amanda Bynes movie, and felt better with some chick flick influence. But that prompted us to talk about our guys and we were up until after 3am!

Then at 8:30am my mom called and said Ryan was online. So I got up and dragged myself to the laptop and talked to him for half an hour, which is always wonderful. Then he had to go so I went back to bed. Half an hour later HIS mom calls and says he is back on, but by the time I got there he was gone, so I went back to bed. At 11am, my phone rings and it is Ryan! So I got to talk to him for another half an hour before I had to get ready for work. I love being able to hear his voice. It just makes my day.

Work was pretty good. Lots of shows... two audiences even got a perfect score!! I was pretty proud. One of the audiences was full, the other was three people... so that's kind of expected but the full one was exciting. Disney also does this pin trading thing... you buy a lanyard and pins and you can trade all over the parks. Cast members wear them and you can buy them at little kiosks. I got my own lanyard from my coordinator today so I get to trade pins with guests which is fun! It gives cool interaction. So I get my lanyard and the coordinator told me to go outside and greet and "spread some magic". So I did. I didn't realize it was as a task, which is a fifteen minute assignment normally when the CDS (Cast Deployment System, a computer we sign into and it gives us a piece of paper where to go or who to replace) gives it. So I was out there for an hour and a half! Oops! Luckily it wasn't busy so they just made fun of me for being outside for so long and sent me back to do more stom struck shows!

I have an early day tomorrow. Mass at 7:30am. Then I am driving to work early since a lot of roads are closed due to a Disney Women's Triathalon so I want to make sure I am at work by 9:45 when I am due. Then I work until 7:30pm and then I am driving an hour or so to Melbourne to visit my Uncle Dave. I will be there until Monday then come back.

Since Sam can't come to Disney anymore for my birthday I kind of made a new plan. I am going to go to EPCOT and get my hair washed and styled in the cast salon, it is pretty cheap. Then I will hang out for a bit and explore I guess. Then my friend Karli is working til 7:30 she gets off and we are going to explore and play in EPCOT until closing. Pretty good plan for now right?

I am pretty tired. I am probably going to finish watching the Parent Trap (ala Lindsay Lohan) on the Disney Channel of all places and then go shower and get to bed early. Night all!

It's here!

I leave for Disney tomorrow!!! The car is packed and Mom and I leave in the morning. We are driving down to Virginia and getting on the Auto Train for a seventeen hour train ride... with my car on board. We even have snuggies for the ride! I arrive in Orlando on the 18th and get a day to veg, then move in the 19th and 20th. Eek! I have that whole nervous first day of college feeling again. I hope I like my job, my room mate, my apartment, etc... I cannot believe it is here already.

Tomorrow Ryan mentioned he has a possibly dangerous operation. Please keep him in your prayers if you can. I am pretty worried. I got to talk to him on the phone Friday, which was amazing, and Saturday we missed one another, but this morning I did get a call from his aunt and found him on facebook chat at around 9am. So... yes. I don't know when I will get internet access again so I am going to be worrying for quite a bit. I hope he will be alright.

One month down...

Six to go! I cannot believe a whole month has gone by. Sometimes I feel like he just left yesterday and other times it feels like he has been gone for ages and ages. I just cannot seem to make up my mind! But basically I am 1/7th of the way done with the deployment. That is the first big tick mark, not days or weeks, but an actual month. When he left we had 232 days to go.

Which is why yesterday on our 200 days to go mark it sucks that we had yet another fight.

Of course I cried. It was mainly a very stupid thing when it boiled down to it, isn't it always? Mainly Ryan didn't think we were communicating enough. I had gone out the night before with my cousin and I was going to be out late, so I emailed him his nightly email from her blackberry at the bar, proud of myself for sending him one that he could read before work if he wanted. If I waited til I got home he wouldn't have had one. I had two drinks with her and was done drinking anything at all by midnight. Then my cousin and I were up talking til almost 3am. Turns out we get along really well and can talk pretty easily, something we never really realized since we don't get to see one another too often.

Then my phone rings at 8am (I am at my aunt Kathy's remember) and it is Amy, Ryan's mom, saying he was online. So I get up and find my aunt's laptop and start talking to him. Kathy coems down around 9am for work and I start talking to her too, then my stomach gets really churny. Typical sour stomach. After I got really sick last year (lost 15lbs in about 2 weeks) my stomach has never been the same. So I run to throw up and Kathy talks to Ryan. I know we were having a serious talk, but I couldn't help it. I had to. He then told me to go back to sleep when I got back and feel better.

I was up sick for another hour. Threw up more. Then finally around 11am I guess I passed out until 1. I felt better when I woke up and my cousin and I just hung out at the house a bit watching the Yankee game. Then I showered and we went to get lunch, which for me was basically a bagel as I did not trust my stomach, and then I drove home. I got home around 4:30pm and I went online and Ryan was on! Then the fight began. Basically what was fought about, discussed, or was mentioned is as follows...

-I was inconsiderate for emailing him a short email from the bar
-I should have emailed him when I woke up after being sick so he knew I was ok.
-He accused me of being too hungover to talk to him. Which is awful since he knows I have no tolerance nor do I ever lie to him, both of which he basically said I did.
-I was making things too much about me.
-I was not being sensitive to what he needed.
-I don't listen or understand.
-And I was pissing him off.

So there was a lot of him yelling at me, aka Caps and exclamation points. Cat called me in the middle of it when I was in tears and I felt awful for answering my phone at all but I was worried it was something from my old job (the lights one) so I had to make sure. But we fought like that for an hour. Then it finally came out he needed to talk to me and he was hurt that I was running off a lot and he knew once I start work at Disney our communication will suffer and he wanted this week to talk to me.

It finally came down to that he approached the subject poorly, he over reacted, he should not have yelled at me, and he was so sorry.

Simply? I thought talking to him nearly every day was an amazing thing. To him it was not enough. And he didn't tell me that well and other things came up, but that was what it boiled down to.

Then we talked normally for an hour even though it was almost 2am for him by the time we were done. I hope this post does not make him sound like a bad guy, because he isn't. Being in Iraq is really starting to get to him and us being apart is hard. We're both winging it as it is our first deployment. Today we talked for over an hour again and everything was great. We did the "What if?" game, not too seriously, but my favorite one was...

2:21pm Ryan
so what if...
what if i bought you a ring and asked you to be my wife and the ring was ugly as hell. lol

2:23pm Allie
i'd say yes then march your sorry behind back to the jewelry store with me to exchange it!

2:23pm Ryan
lol
well what would you pick out?

2:24pm Allie
what do you think i would pick out?

2:25pm Ryan
idk a white band. a round cut maybe. four prongs.

2:26pm Allie
im not picky, just not yellow gold for the band. a plain band. cut could be round or square. not picky on prongs

2:26pm Ryan
what about karat?

2:27pm Allie
sweetie i dont know the difference between a karat and a carrot

2:27pm Ryan
lol

It is weird to vent in a blog. I feel like I may be portraying Ryan or myself or Us in a bad light, and that is not my intention. I just need to vent every now and then, and I appreciate anyone who reads it and provides any input. This experience is difficult, more so than even I imagined, but thank you Readers. Whoever and wherever you are. Whether you are family, friends, or some fellow USMC_gals, I appreciate you being here!

Long Emails and Cranky Days

So I have obviously been cranky lately. Not sure why. Stress... transition of moving, trying to see family and friends my last week home, Babci's surgery and the effects on my Poppy, and of course just missing Ryan, hit me. I emailed Ryan a long email the other night and once again my reply circulated around a certain type of pictures and I sort of snapped at him in my reply last night. I felt bad an hour later though and emailed him again apologizing saying I am cranky and I was sorry and not to bother reading the other email even. He did though.

Today I was meeting a dear friend of my Mom's and mine, Joan, at the church for lunch. She has become like another grandmother to me over the years but she really cannot leave her house much as her husband has MS pretty badly. So these hour lunches are an escape for her and we do not do them often. I was picking up lunch and meeting them all there at 1pm.

Well as I am leaving Ryan IMs me on facebook chat asking if I had a minute to talk. I said of course! Well it was twenty minutes and I was almost late! Eek! But he kept asking me what was bothering me and what it was about him that was upsetting me. I told him it wasn't him, I am just stressed and having a few bad days, they happen to everyone. But then he wanted details on what specifically he did that bothered me at all and I finally just said the pictures thing was getting to me and it just needed to stop being one of the few things he talks to me about.

I had to go after that and I could tell he wasn't happy about that, but I couldn't blow off Joan and she really only could leave Howard for an hour or so, I had to be there. Ryan then sent me a long email basically saying he was upset that I was upset and he was sorry about the picture things, when he talks to me he tends to think about that and thats what comes out, and that there are always guys around distracting him when he tries to write and he doesn't have a lot of time. I know all that! I am ok with that! I promise! I am just in a bad mood these past few days and I lashed out at the one place I really shouldn't have. He said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and the whole thing had me nearly in tears. I had been distant lately, I seem distracted when we talk, and the last thing he wants is us to grow apart.

I sent him a huge email back. I apologized again. I told him he needs to not worry about me. Everyone has bad days and it isnt his fault. He has to focus on his job and staying alive and not worry about me or be unhappy concerning me. The last few times we talked I was on a crowded train and then running out to lunch, hence the distraction. Then I said my emails got shorter because I now send two or three a day instead of one long one at night. Plus I am in a boring routine now. I get up, pack, clean, meet Mom for lunch, meet a friend for dinner, hang out, and go in the hot tub with my Mom. Not much to say I guess.

I don't know. I am just venting I guess. I miss him so much and I love him more than I thought it was possible to ever love another person. I hope he is ok.

End vent. Thanks for reading if anyone did.

Heard from Disney!!

I can now officially add input on the Disney part of my blog! I have been meeting my mom for lunch at the Church office where she works every week day I am home really and yesterday while we were eating I got a phone call from a number I didn't know. It was someone from Disney! I now know where I am officially working. I will be an Innoventions Employee in Epcot!!


http://www.wdwinfo.com/wdwinfo/guides/epcot/epfw-innoventions.htm (Click the link to learn more!)

Innoventions is a pavilion at Epcot in Walt Disney World, Florida. It focuses on technological advancements and their practical applications in everyday life. Innoventions is a portmanteau of the words "innovation" and "invention". (Thank you Wikipedia!)


They said with my theatre background I was a good candidate to work there. I will get a pay raise as well, not much but I will take it! And I will be in an airconditioned building! Yes! I get groups of 10-3o people and I do the exhibit with them and help them learn, so I will have packets to memorize on stuff like hurricanes, recycling, fire safety etc... So I am pretty excited. I got a raise and I didn't even get there yet. Haha.


Ryan and I had an interesting, long argument yesterday. Lots of stuff, not airing dirty laundry here. But I sent two packages and he still has yet to recieve mine!!!! I tracked my previous package and it reached base on July 26th, sent on the 20th, and he has yet to get it. So I am a bit nervous. But I was upset yesterday in this argument again. I hate fighting with him so much and it was so silly. We are ok now, we fixed things and compromised (aka I gave in mostly) but I really hate that we had such an intense fight over it! Ugh.


Anyway, we talked briefly today and it was amazing. He said tomorrow he is going to CALL me. To quote him, "Yes call, like on the phone." I am so excited.



Oh and my Mom got me this t-shirt, I absolutely love it...



Blocked out Ryan's last name for safety, but there it is!!

Surprise Phone Call

This will be quick, just wanted to share! I was talking to Ryan on facebook chattoday and he was pestering me to tell him what was in the carepackage I sent (that he still didn't get). I was telling him "No! It has to be a surprise! There is so little I can do for you I can at least send you a surprise!" Then he wrote BRB. So I am sitting, and waiting. Couple minutes goes by. Then my phone rings, the house line. I don't technically live here anymore so I don't pick up, my Mom does. She comes in my room, smiling, and hands the phone over.

First thing I hear? "See, I can do surprises too!" He told me he had limited to no phone access so I found myself tearing up with the sound of his voice. It was amazing. I talked to him for about two minutes when the dreaded operator said, "Call has been lost. Please try again."

Damn.

But he got back online and I talked to him a bit more. It is amazing how something so small, like a two minute phone call, can make my entire day.

More later!

Back in NJ

Whew. I am officially no longer in the DC area :( I miss it already! I mean I love being home with my family, but I love DC and I miss being there. This picture was taken last week when Cat and I went down to the mall to just hang out. We went to the two Sculpture Gardens and played travel Scabble as we watched the summer kickball and softball leagues play on the mall. Then I mentioned in my last entry Cat and I climbed (er, took the elevator) up the Washington Monument on Tuesday so I feel like I've seen the National Mall at all angles! I was there during President Obama's Inagural Concert and for Inaguration (in freezing cold weather from 5am-3pm!), for protests, to hang out with friends, to watch them film movies, to celebrate my 19th birthday... I have so many good memories over the last for years in this one place alone in DC I can't believe I can't just hop on the metro anymore and be there in like half an hour. I am about four hours away now! It feels so weird. Sometimes when I am away from DC I feel like my whole life there doesn't exist, and vice versa. In DC home in NJ seemed so far away. It's strange.

Anyway. Friday my dad was at my apartment around 7:30am. I was up until 3am cleaning and packing my car, so it was not a good wake up call! We packed up the van and we were out of there by about 9am. We stopped for lunch at my rest stop, the Maryland House on 95, and I was home by 1pm. Driving through Philidelphia I saw about six Marine Corps billboards and every single one made me think of Ryan and how much I love him and how proud of him I am. I got a tiny bit teary around the fourth one and fell driving behind my dad and sneaked a cigarette so I could keep going! So we got home and Mom helped us unload the car and then we just hung out for a bit. My Babci (grandmother) sent me a shoebox of pictures she found so my mom and I went through them and then I napped for an hour. We had a huge thunderstorm system thing move in during my nap, so it went from sunny and hot to torrential downpour!

Mom and I decided to drive and see Babci and Poppy since she got released from the hospital today. We stopped at a park near their house since my Mom wanted to smoke with me, it was funny. It was the park she and George (my biological father/asshole of a guy) took their wedding photos in, which was weird to be back there. But we went and had dinner with my grandparents. My Babci's sister, my Aunt Ceil, made pasta with meat sauce, zucchini quiche, and chocolate cake that also strangely enough had zucchini in it! I don't like zucchini, but this was all reeeeeeally good!!! We visited for a few hours and I napped again for an hour in the back room with my Poppy, side by side in our arm chairs! It was apparently a funny sight. Then we drove home.

Today I got up, went shopping with Mom, picked up my dad and brother after they kayaaked the river nearby, and then came home to talk to Ryan! I got about an hour online with him (: After he left I got ready and we went to Church. I don't know what started it, but as we were getting there I got really upset with my dad. I think it started in the car. I mentioned Ryan was talking about the Health Care plans on the news and all and my mom said she doesn't like the idea of the government paying for abortions which I don't care for either personally, but she went on to say something about not just abortion, but euthanasia and birth control. That threw me. I was like, "Wait a second, why is Birth Control up there with abortion and euthanasia??" And she started talking about the Catholic thing and I said I knew she used to take it, she knows I do... and she said stuff about absitnence etc. I said, "Yea, I am sure everyone in our church is doing that mom. If they were we'd all be in families of 18 like that Duggar reality tv show. I'm sorry if I feel like at 21 I don't feel ready to bring a child into the world so excuse me for using Birth Control." To which Stefan, my 12 year old brother, pipes up "What's birth control?"

Oops.

Well we averted that by ignoring it in the heat of our argument and we were almost at church when my mom mentioned my icky neighbor across the street came over today to deliver our mail she got by mistake. She was my former algebra teacher and a rip roaring bitch. This is where I got uspet. Dad started teasing me sort of about her son Matt, the creepy kid who is her son. He sort of had a crush on me way back when and was a bit older than me and he was just Weird with a capital W. So Dad was like, "Hey maybe Matt talked her into it. You should give him a call, hang out." And I said no thanks I'm taken, kept walking. And he kept going. My Mom was like, "She is in a committed relationship Bill. Stop it." And my dad was like, "Yea but Ryan isn't here, he wouldn't know." I swear to God I've never felt any real bad feelings against my dad before, but for the first time in my life I wanted to hit him. I was telling him to stop but in that one I said it again with an edge in my voice I don't think I've ever used before. I started tuning him out as he was talking to my mom, "Yea you heard what your dad (aka my poppy (grandfather) said)..." and went on to say something about some Sgt who cheated when he was stationed elsewhere so I am not the only one to worry about etc. I honestly felt tears in my eyes and I turned to my mom and said, "Seriously, make him stop, now." And I guess she did. I didn't say a word to him until halfway through dinner later tonight. I was just so angry. My mom said he was just teasing me and trying to get a rise out of me, probably didnt even realize how upset I was, but it still hurt regardless.

Anyway. We went to dinner at this restaurant called Old Man Rafferty's, which was really nice. A glass of prosecco (Italian champagne) later I felt better and I started talking to my dad again without realizing it. We're past it now so I guess it is ok, I let it go. After dinner Mom and I went to Wegmans and did some grocery shopping, in the pouring rain of course. My friend Cat called to say hi and see how I was doing at home, I miss her! The picture over here was from a week or so ago when we went to Great Falls VA and hiked around for awhile. I love that park. It is about 15 minutes outside of DC and you'd never expect to find such awesome scenery so close to a city!!

Then Mom and I came home, worked on putting a care package or two together for Ryan (: and wrote some letters. Stefan leaves for camp bright and early tomorrow so she was writing him a card or two to have when he gets there. After that we went in the hot tub, smoked a bit, and just talked. My mom was telling me all about how she put my scrapbooks together for my college graduation present, just what the process was and how much work went into organizing it and how the lady that taught us how to scrap book helped her put it together. She is thinking of doing one for Stefan up until 8th grade for him and all his stuff... which would be cool.

Then I came upstairs, uploaded my pictures to facebook, which finally took! I had been trying for days and it kept failing but I got them up at last! Then I emailed Ryan. Now I am going to head to sleep... hopefully sleep in tomorrow! We might go visit Babci and Poppy for dinner but tomorrow is pretty open. Next weekend, Sunday the 9th, is their 62nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it! 62 years....

I hope someday I can say it is my 62nd anniversary ;)

Stressed, 3 Hour Talk, First overseas fight....

The past two days have been all over the place. On Monday my friend, who I won't name, called me for help. She has had small seizures since she was fifteen but usually she has what they call petite mal seizures, where she basically just zones out for a second. But yesterday she had her first grand mal seizure while on the phoen with her Dad, a neurosurgeon. So instead of going to work I left lunch with Nadia, and went to keep an eye on my friend. Her Dad told me what to do and not to go to the hospital unless it was longer than five minutes. We had dinner and watched movies before she got pretty tired and went to lie down. I also saw a beautiful rainbow earlier when we were driving back to my place, it was a wicked thunderstom with the sun out which was cool but there was this massive rainbow arcing across the sky... anyway.

That night turned out to be incredibly difficult. After I emailed Ryan my nightly email I watched TV a bit and settled down to go to sleep. Around 1am, just as I was dozing, I saw my friend have a grand mal seizure. It was about ten seconds long and she seemed ok, but then at 1:20am she had another one, this one a minute long. I started writing down how long they were and how long they lasted which proved to be useful later. She was on a mattress on my floor so I hopped out of bed and did what her Dad told me to... I kept her head to the side and stopped her from hitting anything the best I could. She came to and was ok and we went to sleep again around 2am. At 3:30am I woke up to hear her starting again. Her seizures always start basically in her left arm, so it would be jerking around and wake me up. This one was bigger and longer, lasting close to five minutes. When she came to again we called her Dad and he said that if she had another one, no matter how long, she had to go to the hospital. Which she wasn't too thrilled with but I told her if she had one more she was going. Sure enough around 4:00am she starts again, punching the mattress and slamming her head around... this one was huge. I literally had to fight to keep her from flipping off the mattress. It lasted almost seven minutes, her breathing was worse in this one, almost high pitched, and it seemed like an eternity before she stopped. So into the car we went.

Her neurologist is in Georgetown, the GW hospital near the Foggy Bottom metro stop, so we drove there at 4:30am. We told her Dad and her friend Jen what was going on as it was happening. We got to the hospital and somehow found our way to the ER and she was taken back straight away. As we're explaining what happened they took blood and put her on a heart monitor the doctor is just asking questions.... then her left arm starts jerking. The Doctor was like, "Are you cold?" And I jumped up and told them she was about to start another seizure. This was about 5:45 am. They held her arms and I held her head and just talked to her, trying to bring her back and calm her down. This one was awful, she clenched her jaw down and turned so red she was almost purple and was nearly foaming at the mouth. I don't know if you've ever seen anyone have a grand mal seizure, last night was my first time, and it is absoutely terrifying. I felt so helpless the entire time. I had about two hours of sleep and it was just rough. The gave her some shot that helped prevent another one from coming and it kind of made her a little loopy for awhile as we sat in the ER for ages. I was on adrenaline and couldn't sleep so I just held her hand while they ran tests.

Around 9am they released her from the ER, but her Dad wanted us to go up to the neurology department before we went home. So up we went. The ran a whole bunch of tests again and my friend told me to leave. She told me to go home and get sleep, they might admit her to the hospital, and she'd call me if she needed me. I felt awful leaving her there, but I had to meet Cat at noon and go into work so sleep was definitely needed. I ended up crashing on Cat's couch for two hours and then we went to the Washington Monument for 1:30pm. Of course we get there are realize our tickets are for 3:30pm, but luckily some lady nearby had two extra she just gave us and we gave ours to a park ranger to give to someone to use at 3:30pm. It was cool up there, I could see my apartment from one side!

In the mean time my friend in the hospital taxied home and her friend Jen came in from Minnesota to be with her and watch her. I wasn't thrilled that the hospital released her. The monitoring room they wanted to send her to for one to three days was booked and she had an MRI scheduled already for Thursday so there was no reason to keep her apparently. Anyway, then we went back and I went and hung lights for about four hours. I got 80% of the job, Rich, Mo, and Cat are going to finish the rest. The next two days I will be packing and cleaning, especially since I couldn't do that at all last night since I was watching my friend.

When I got home Jen texted me saying that she had been there about five minutes when my friend had another grand mal seizure. This one lasted about twenty minutes with a lull in the middle. She was a bit freaked so I calmed her down and they called her Dad who called the hospital. About an hour or two later Jen texted me again saying there was another one, this one even worse than the one previously, and they were going to the hospital to have her admitted. I am kind of terrified. She never had a grand mal seizure before and she had about eight now in the past twenty four hours. She can't drive until they settle this which is hard gfor the fact that she and Jen were supposed to go on a cross country road trip Saturday.

So that was my day yesterday. I caulked my walls, cleaned the stove, started the oven and floors... today I am going to the Salvation Army and packing like crazy, then meeting friends at Colonel Brooks for one last night out.

I wish Ryan was here. This is so hard, after I left her at the hospital I nearly broke down driving, all the exhaustion and fear and terror just caught up with me and I just started crying as I drove. On top of that and work and packing and cleaning I just miss him so incredibly much.

Then of course we had our first fight online today since he's been in Iraq. We managed to talk for three hours, the fight only about half an hours worth in the middle. Basically he was asking me for some certain pictures and I just don't have the time right now. It takes me ages to do those and I am not 100% comfortable with it. But during this talk my facebook told Ryan I logged off so her got mad and sent an angry message and I sent one back saying I was still there and we managed to fix things. Even though for a bit I was scared and crying like the silly worrier I am. Then I just said it was stupid, we can't waste time fighting over this crap, and it will be ok. Now, off to packing!

First phone call!

As you can tell from the title I got my first phone call from Ryan today!! I was just telling my mom yesterday that I knew Ryan's mom sent him phone cards but I still hadn't heard from him and the whole thing with his saved voicemail expiring in three days. Well today, after a stressful day (long story short I agreed to be Master Electrician for a show and I have a week to do it alone since the designer took forever, plus tons of complications and the fact I have a week to do it, clean, and move!) he made it all better!

I was sitting on my bed working on my photo albums. I have about 36 envelopes of pictures from when I studied abroad that I had been meaning to put in pictures, so I finally forced myself to do it. Note to self: buy two more albums! Well I'm working on that when my phone rings. It was a weird number, and it was missing one in the sequence so I thought it was a spam call in all honesty. But I answered and then I couldn't hear anyone for awhile. So I hung up and then they called back. And it was Ryan! I got to talk to him for 36 minutes and 56 seconds! It was wonderful. Just hearing his voice almost made my eyes tear up but I kept it all in check so I could talk to him.

He was telling me about base and a little bit about what he might be doing on his mission. I told him about my day, and that I sent him care packages. I told him what was in my mom's but I left mine a surprise. We were talking and laughing and I felt like it was normal again... like we were talking on the phone at night before bed except it was 10pm for me and 5am for him. He told me the food on base is actually really good, it is prepared by Iraqis, and that it is better than any chow he'd had before. In 8th and I or Quantico!

Just hearing his voice and talking to him made me feel so amazing. I got to talk to him online this morning for an hour and then on the phone too... I am so incredibly lucky.



Also, I found this website I wanted to share. It is like a positive FML.
http://www.givesmehope.com

If you ever need to smile or have your faith restored in humanity that is the place to do it!

Not much change...

So this week has been pretty standard. I usually wake up around 7am or so and talk to Ryan for a bit and then go back to bed. If I am lucky I catch him again around 3pm and of course we have our emails. I still have yet to hear his voice, just in the saved voicemail I have on my phone for eleven more days.

Yesterday, Cat and I had a nice late pizza lunch and then we went and walked from Chinatown to the mall. We walked through the sculpture garden at the museum and put our feet in the fountain. Then we crossed the mall to the other sculpture garden and walked through it. In there they had this project started by Yoko Ono, you know, the wench who broke up the Beatles :P Anyway, it was called the Wishing Tree and it was this beautiful tree and next to it there was this box. Inside was paper and pencils and you write your wish on it and hang it on the tree. The have them in a lot of major cities apparently, it was beautiful. I wrote one wishing for Ryan and TFE to come home safely from Iraq... so I was definitely thinking of him as usual.

Some of the wishes were very silly, some typical, and some sad. There was one wish on the very bottom of the tree that said "I wish I were taller"! And one that wrenched my heart said "I wish no children would have to suffer from cancer" in pencil, then in the same handwriting under it said, "Especially my own". Others wished for love or fame or forture... and oddly a lot of them wished for puppies! You could tell a lot of little kids visited that tree!

After that we walked on the mall and watched the kickball and softball teams. If I ever live in DC again, and part of me hopes I do someday as I really do love this city... I want to join one of those leagues in the summer. They look like so much fun! But we watched them a bit and then we played Scrabble on a bench nearby. Cat had a travel edition we were itching to break out! It was a good game, we didn't keep score and managed to get all the tiles on the board. We then walked down to my favorite memorial, the WW2 one, and took a few pictures along the way. We then walked back to Chinatown and we saw that Navy band playing near the metro stop at the Archives so we listened for a bit before heading back. Then we all headed to my apartment and Anna Laura met us there. Coincedentally the 5th Harry Potter movie was on HBO, so we watched it and snacked on some chips and chicken nuggets and just talked. Then we went to the movie.

The movie was really good. One of the better versions of the book I've seen, so I was pretty happy about most of it. And it was looooong! We got out around 2:40am and I just got home, around an hour later. I drove Rich, Nick, and Cat home since they live by campus and the metro was obviously closed. But we had a good time. I heard that Darius Rucker song Ryan likes on the radio as I was driving, the one with "I've got a roof over my head the woman I love laying in my bed and its alright..." and I thought of him. It made me smile and kept me awake as I made the last leg home.

Tomorrow I think I am driving down to Quantico to hang out with Nadia for the day. I think both of us could use the distraction. She is pretty miserable as she doesn't get to talk to Spencer (her husband) as much as I do to Ryan. And the kids keep asking her where Daddy is which breaks my heart.

I am a little nervous. Ryan told me he has a new mission now, different from before. He can tell me about it maybe when it is half done or not til the end. I am praying for them all and I know they know what they're doing. I know communication will be rough once he is off base so I am really cherishing these emails and facebook chats. I am also dorkily saving them all! So when there are days I can't talk to him I will be re-reading them religiously. I can promise that.

Oh Babci's surgery was today, hip replacement. I know it will be fine, it is the recovery we're all worried about. I love the woman but she can be a pain in the ass! Especially with stuff like this. Poor Mom is going nuts! My Dad picked up Babci and Poppy and bought them to our house only to have them realize they forgot Babci's X-Rays! So Mom had to drive an hour to get them and an hour back because they cannot and will not do the surgery without them! She wasn't too happy about that.

Oh! My room mate Caitlin is moving out today. I will officially be the only person left in my apartment!!! Weird! I feel like I live alone basically anyways so not much will change, but it will be weird. Kinda lonely too. Boo. At least its only for like two or three weeks. I have to start packing and organizing and now I can throw anything left behind without wondering who it belongs to. If it is left it is either mine or gone!

My adventure today was small... Anna Laura ran out of gas so I went to get her! Then I read outside by the fountain for an hour before coming back to the apartment.


Gosh I really miss him today. Today is one of the worst days since he actually left. I feel so... lonely.

Totally worth waking up at 7:30am for...

I got a phone call at almost 7:30 am from Ryan's mom saying he was online and to sign on. I did and I got to talk to him on facebook for 15 minutes and I had an email waiting! He is training on base for awhile and told me about the weather. It is insanely hot, like when you open an oven door, all the time. And the sand is like fine powder and it gets everywhere. Apparently they changed up the teams again but he said his is still the best. He couldn't tell me who was where for security online, but I hope it's good! And he said I knew people on it. So fingers crossed.

7:42am Ryan
have a great day sweetie ill be thinking about you when i see the stars tonight

Hopefully I'll have at least one star to look at to think of him too.