God Gave Me You

My husband drives me nuts. He knows how to push my buttons better than anyone else on this planet and in just the right combination. He can pick a fight with me from 3000 miles away and make me want to throw something at him... and that would be throwing something very far! And yet...

I love him more than anything else in this world.

He makes me laugh, makes my bad days better. There is a bond of safety and trust and friendship and love that is unparalleled to anything else in this world. He makes my heart skip a beat with a mere glance and makes my day with a simple phone call.

And yet the man drives me bat crap insane :P

That's love for you.

Having a three hour time difference is not the most convenient thing. We like to talk right before we fall asleep, but when I call him at 10pm or 11pm I end up being awake talking to him til midnight or later. And let me tell you, I do not do mornings well at all. I am one of those people who needs sleep to function or I am a nightmare! I cherish those late night talks, but I am not good at deep life altering talks as I am laying there half asleep. Finances, moving, where to ask to be stationed, should I move to 29 Palms if his schooling is extended, should we visit on this date, can we afford this and that.... not the best when you are half asleep. Especially when finances make you all flustered in general and then you snap at the man you love more than anything and are tempted to just hang up on him!

Am I complaining enough?

I love Ryan with all my heart. I do. I miss him terribly and because when we tend to be apart we bicker over stupid things. Sigh.

Regardless of the back and forth ADDness of this post, this song is perfect for how I feel about Ryan, which is the most important thing of all.



Link up with Goodnight Moon

Cable!!!!! ARGH

So on Riding the Roller Coaster this week was a post that struck a chord with me and I know a few other bloggers have mentioned something similar. Basically it all goes along the lines of, "If I don't do it, it won't get done." The main reference was the show Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray comes home from a business trip and leaves his suitcase on the stairs, expecting Debra to unpack it. Well, she doesn't. So it sits there.

I know marriage is about compromise, helping one another out, and working together. Now that we got that out of the way...

Our cable has not worked since December.

December.

We pay quite a bit of money every month for our cable and internet since our apartment will ONLY accept Comcast. So for nearly two months now we have been paying for something we are not using and it bothers me.

When we first had our cable go out it was the box just went crazy. Instead of showing numbers it showed a rotating square thing. It wouldn't connect or show channels or would randomly scroll through weird letters and numbers. We tried to fix it. We reset the box. We tried dialing in online and having them fix it. Nothing. So I asked Ryan to call. Then we were away for Christmas. Then New Years. Then I was sick. Then Ryan's grandfather passed away. A lot of things happened.

But the dust has settled. So I asked again if Ryan could call.

Why don't I just call?

Because if I don't call, it doesn't get done. Point in fact, I had to call to get us cable in the first place. When HE lost our Geico check to fix the car I had to call to get a new one re-instated. When HE wanted to stay longer in SC I had to call the airline at one o'clock in the morning to change our flights (ok slightly different situation... I was in a better mindframe but still). PLUS I ANSWER A PHONE FOR A LIVING! The last thing I want to do is come home and sit on the phone with a Comcast representative. I hate talking on the phone, ironically enough.

Why should he call?

1. He tried to fix the box and knows more than I do what is going on with it.
2. The account is in his name. He has all the information.
3. He will be the one home to meet the guy since he gets home earlier than I do.
3a. So he knows his own schedule better than I do!

So I bring it up last night and he basically says if I want cable then I should call. He is perfectly content to sit and watch Netflix. For hours. And hours. Yes there are good things on Netflix and I like some of the shows, but my attention span is not good to sit and watch five episodes of Lie to Me no matter how decent of a show it is. I want to flip!

I am having surgery on the 23rd. I'd like to have cable when I am couch ridden.

But he won't do it. He said he doesn't care, he will keep watching Netflix, if I want it why should he call? I present my reasons. Nothing. I get upset. Stupid I know, but still nothing. So we have a shouting match at 11pm (when he has the range at 5am... oops), tears are shed, angry angry RAWR ughness. Make up. Sleep.



Still no one has called Comcast.

I refuse to budge on principle at this point. I don't ask a lot of him. I want him to do one thing. Make one phone call.

Am I being unreasonable here????

Perhaps. But darnit I don't care.


What is your big ARGH I ASKED YOU SO PLEASE JUST DO IT issue?

Perspective

Saturday was a rough night. I am sure you gathered that. But I was throwing myself quite the pity party yesterday. I was angry, hurt, and just fuming as I went grocery shopping and baked for the party tomorrow at work. Then I went to church.

Going to church always soothes me. I, without fail, get a message that tells me something. Whether it is to buck up or everything will be ok, in some way, shape or form, I get a poke in the forehead.

It was rainy (and cold) so it took me forever to find parking. I ran into church just as the priest was processing down the aisle. No seats. Standing cold and wet in the back of the church with the other latecomers I debated sneaking out. I just wanted to go home. Then this woman came in. She was carrying a little boy who had to be maybe a year old, and she was pregnant, probably seven or eight months along.

I saw her look for a seat, cross the back of the church one end to the other, twice. Not seeing anything she turned and came back toward the door and I saw her face. She was in tears. The sort of face that said if I was not in public I'd be wailing right now but I better make it out of here before I cannot control it. As she went out the door I stepped to follow her but an older gentleman beat me to it. He looked and nodded at me as if to say, I got it, and followed her outside. They all came in a few minutes later. The man's wife found her a folding chair and they sat her down in it and then this man proceeded to hold her child the entire mass. The look of gratitude she had was amazing. Strangers reaching out and helping strangers. A few women approached her toward the end of mass. They gave her a business card and wrote down her information and tickled that little boy so he'd smile while his mother wrote. She left the church smiling.

Then, at the end of mass, they did the announcements. A eucharistic minister who is very involved in the church... her son altar serves and she is always there, well her daughter Natalie got into a car accident driving home that day and was in ICU on a respirator. They asked the entire church to pray for her and her family and that it be God's will to heal her.

Perspective.

That pregnant woman, Natalie... my problems are nothing compared to them.

I will get past this. We will get past this.

We're reaching out, getting a third party perspective. We've talked. We understand some things better now. He understands some things better.

This will be merely a blip in our bliss.

Pray for that woman, whatever her story is, and for Natalie.

Perspective.

Thanksgiving

This was my second Thanksgiving away from my immediate family in NJ. Last year I was in Disney, actually working that day come to think of it, and this year we went to South Carolina to be with Ryan's family.




I must say this getting older thing... it is strange. I know Ryan's family is my family, that is never an issue, but I did miss my parents, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins! I have such a large family that it is always mass chaos when we get together. People are running around, food is everywhere, tvs are blaring, it is total crazy! And I love it. That is what I grew up with and know. Ryan's family is smaller than mine (but still of course can be chaotic!) and it was a different way of doing things. (ie buffet style in the kitchen vs all over the dining room... I'll post pictures tomorrow)

I still ate a ridiculous amount of good food and bonded with my inlaws. Some of the time outside. Outside comfortable on Thanksgiving! It was like, 70 degrees!! It was insane. My brother texted me a video of it snowing that morning in NJ, even if it did melt within a few hours.

We had a nice time though. We got to relax a bit and just be with his family for a few days. We watched the USC/Clemson rivalry game Saturday night (Go Cocks!) and saw USC kick butt. Very nice.

Of course what is a holiday without a rough patch? We were in the car nearly ten hours on Wednesday and about the same on Sunday... with traffic and back pain and general irritability a fight was inevitable. Especially when someone had one too many drinks on Thanksgiving and was up til 5am with the next door neighbor (I was in bed by midnight!) being drunk and disorderly... and even left cigarettes floating in said neighbors hot tub since he dropped the entire pack! Then the next day when they slept it off I put up the Christmas tree like he promised he would and watched way too much TV. So needless to say we had a bit of a fight driving home.

Nasty yelling, name calling, arguing, he said she said, you did I did, blah blah blah, ten minutes of silence....... Sorry I called you this. Sorry I said that. I didn't mean this. You're not really that.

Our fight. Paraphrased (:

But all is well. Last night I got home with a pizza from my new favorite pizza place and found my husband waiting with a bottle of red wine and a movie. Sigh. Nicely done. We watched National Treasure and stuffed and labeled our Christmas Cards before going to bed nice and early. Like..... 9 o'clock or so!

Today, well work has been rough. Same as yesterday. Days after long weekends are crazy and billing is underway and tempers are high and people are crazy. (excuse my run on sentence!) I just want to go home and curl up under the covers, but alas... physical therapy awaits.

Sigh.

Rough Weekend, Holiday 12

I don't like airing dirty laundry on my blog, that is not the point of it. But we did have a rather rough weekend. Me on the couch Friday, him on the couch Saturday... but we got over it. Sat down and had two glasses of water, a note book and pen, and talked. If we got too emotional we wrote down what we wanted to say and cooled off. We made a pretty big breakthrough in our communication and figured a lot of stuff out. So as sucky as it is to fight, this one I think helped us a lot for the long run!

Enough of that, I am joining in this fun Holiday-ness!

Hosted here!

Day 1: Christmas/Holiday traditions

We have a few... my mom and I would always drive around and look at the decorations on other houses. Or we'd go to Christmas Village in Pennsylvania. We always do the Christmas vigil, it is a gorgeous mass, and I read at it every year. Now, we usually go to my dad's family for Christmas Eve. My dad has a massive Italian family, so I am very much the odd blonde stepchild out (in the physical sense of course, I love my family) when we go!



Can you spot me?

Usually my Dad's cousin John plays Santa and all the kids get a gift from him. It's so cute. Last time I went it was warm in the house so Santa's glasses got a little foggy... haha.



Christmas Day is brunch at my aunt's and dinner at Babci and Poppy's. Too. Much. Food.



Last Christmas I was home (08) we also went and saw the Nutcracker at Lincoln Center. Amazing show. I hadn't seen it since I was little and I still got goosebumps when the tree rose out of the stage!



The other tradition is Swedish Christmas. My best friend Sam is Swedish and ever since I was thirteen, and we were friends, I have gone to her house for a traditional Swedish celebration. There is a TON of food, glugg, aqua vit, ginger cookies, this awesome bread soaked in a broth that is my favorite, and tons and tons of other edibles. By the end of the night everyone is completely trashed and we give presents and sing bad carols and watch a movie as all the kids of our age group sleep in a massive line/pile on the floor. Breakfast follows the next morning and we have a delicious breakfast and nurse our hangovers til we can drive again!



But...

I am married now. Ryan and I will have our own traditions. I did none of those last year as I was working at Disney. Ryan and my family visted a few weeks before and we celebrated early, but I worked last year Christmas Eve. I was in EPCOT.

This year, Ryan and I are going to start our own traditions. Ok I called dibbs on this Christmas before we got married because my parents are moving to North Carolina next year and this will be my last Christmas in my childhood home. He didn't fight me on it, but he gets Thanksgiving! So we get my usual Christmas, but together, this year.

I am excited to see what traditions we will have for our family!

Bickering

Couples bicker. I think that is just a common thing. You know eachother so well that you can pick up the littlest off details and somehow it excalates. Like today, Ryan wore jeans to go to church. In the years I have known him he has always worn a suit to church. So I looked at him and said, "You're wearing jeans to church?" Surprised, not downgrading. But it went over wrong and we started bickering, especially once I threw my skirt back in the closet and slid jeans on too. After spending a day eating together, playing SCRABBLE, we just snapped once we realized we had to go to church and were late. Bickering commences.

So in the car we start talking about it, why are we bickering so much this past week? We've never been like that. And then it clicked. For various circumstances we missed church the past few weeks, and ever since it has gotten heavier and heavier. We realized that in the car and just go quiet.

Once we made it to mass we sat there and held hands and then his arm was around me as we had this calming cloud of peace settle over us. It was great. We kept catching each others eyes and smiling and feeling just happier. We need that, it is such a huge part of our lives and it was like going home again in a way.

Just sharing our observations for today. At rehearsal now. More later faithful readers.

Hey Jealousy?

So I know one of the biggest issues Ryan and I have in our relationship is the issue of jealousy. His ex was not the nicest person and really hurt his ability to fully trust in others. She basically left him for one of his best friends. Now the problem is, I always have been one to have a big mixed group of friends. I usually have a big mix of guys and girls that I hang out with and that has always been a sore spot for Ryan in our relationship.


Graduation Party

Whether it was me playing video games at my friend Brian's house, hanging out with Nate, Jeff, and Dave from my theatre school when I am home in NJ, or hanging out with Don and Patrick in Disney... we have had pretty decetly sized fights about all of them. I would never do anything to hurt Ryan, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have friends who are guys because, well let's face it, they are usually awesome to hang with, are honest (not catty at any rate), know sports, and are easy to talk to. Girls are much more complicated! I bond really well with one or two girls and get super close, but in big groups I do have my guy friends.


Team Bro-Womance at Disney Cast Quest

Now when I hang out with Don and Patrick here for example, usually it is in a group. 9 times out of 10 it is in a big group. Patrick and Don have a huge "bro-mance", they remind me of Ryan and his room mate Josh in a lot of ways, and Karli and I have the designated "wo-mance" (not as catchy but it works!). Usually the four of us hang out together. Karli's boyfriend Bryce is giving her the same flak Ryan is giving me which makes me feel a bit better, but not much. Patrick is dating Jenny, Don is on-off with Sara... and Karli and I are taken! What is wrong with the four of us being friends?? We work the same venues at work, we have fun together, and it breaks up the monotiny of the day in Innoventions.


The Love of my Life

So I haven't had a phone call from Ryan in nearly a month, and before today our longest talk in a week was maybe 10 minutes. Today he spent an hour of precious internet time (Al Asad sucks for that) arguing with me about being friends with guys! This isn't third grade, boys and girls don't have to be separate from coodies contamination and just because you are male and female does not mean sex has to be involved for any sort of connection to be possible.

These guys are my friends. Nothing more.

1. I have Ryan, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That trumps anything anyone else could throw at me.
2. Not attracted to them. I love them dearly, but these guys become like my brothers. I have three already, I don't mind having more pseudo-ones in the mix.
3. If anyone, and I mean anyone, was disrespectful to me or my relationship I'd kick them in the balls so hard they'd come out of their noses.

The guys hear me talk about Ryan all the time. They want to see him when he comes down here. It is no secret. I have always been upfront and honest with Ryan in our relationship, and I think that is what makes all the difference.

He eventually backed off and apologized. I did too. I know it bothers him, but I don't seek out guys to befriend on purpose or anything. They are just my friends. Plain and simple. And usually when he DOES meet them he gets along great with them. Example given being my graduation party when Ryan went off with Jeff, Nate, and Dave on a cigarette run to a store 2 minutes away and we're gone for nearly 45 minutes. They got along great.

Sorry for the venting today, I was just frustrated that the hour and a half we had to talk this morning had almost an hour wasted on a pointless fight we've had many times before. Of course it ends up ok in the end, but I hate fighting with Ryan over anything and it is frustrating with him so far away. He will be back soon and I know we will be just fine. In 10 days I will tackle him, I swear I will!

I know he wants to be here with me and experiencing Disney with me like my friends here get to... and he will once he goes on leave. I told him he has to trust me. He said he did, it was the other guys he didn't trust. I said it doesn't really work that way, you have to trust my ability to choose my friends and the people I associate with, if they weren't good people, they wouldn't be in my life. Wow, this came out to be a much longer entry than I intended. Props if you read it!

It is all about the trust baby.

I know I am supposed to ignore the news...

But this one caught my eye...it is about possibly sending more troops to Afghanistan in the next year. Anywhere between 10,000 and 80,000. 80frickenthousand. That is insane.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091014/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/bc_us_us_afghanistan

Especially the last paragraph:

"An Army brigade generally has between 3,500 and 5,000 soldiers, while a Marine expeditionary brigade could be built up to about 17,000 troops. However, sending a high number of forces would put more stress on troops who are already stretched thin from fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq, and likely would reduce the time they would get at home between deployments."

Oh God I hope not.


I talked to Ryan for nearly three hours this morning. We did fight for part of it unfortunately. He is upset Disney will only give me four, maybe five days off for me to come see him. I thought it was a good thing they were willing to give me that many in a row at ALL and he thinks it is not enough. So a fight naturally ensued. But we worked it out.

And we talked about possibly getting an apartment together when he gets back (: Try living together and all. Once I am done with Disney that is. I have an audition on October 29th which will decide if I stay here longer, if not back to DC possibly? Or California? Not sure where Ryan will be stationed, but the chances of me going with him are pretty darn high. I cannot wait to fall asleep next to him each night and wake up next to him each morning. Just to see him anytime day or night, it will be so so amazing....

One month down...

Six to go! I cannot believe a whole month has gone by. Sometimes I feel like he just left yesterday and other times it feels like he has been gone for ages and ages. I just cannot seem to make up my mind! But basically I am 1/7th of the way done with the deployment. That is the first big tick mark, not days or weeks, but an actual month. When he left we had 232 days to go.

Which is why yesterday on our 200 days to go mark it sucks that we had yet another fight.

Of course I cried. It was mainly a very stupid thing when it boiled down to it, isn't it always? Mainly Ryan didn't think we were communicating enough. I had gone out the night before with my cousin and I was going to be out late, so I emailed him his nightly email from her blackberry at the bar, proud of myself for sending him one that he could read before work if he wanted. If I waited til I got home he wouldn't have had one. I had two drinks with her and was done drinking anything at all by midnight. Then my cousin and I were up talking til almost 3am. Turns out we get along really well and can talk pretty easily, something we never really realized since we don't get to see one another too often.

Then my phone rings at 8am (I am at my aunt Kathy's remember) and it is Amy, Ryan's mom, saying he was online. So I get up and find my aunt's laptop and start talking to him. Kathy coems down around 9am for work and I start talking to her too, then my stomach gets really churny. Typical sour stomach. After I got really sick last year (lost 15lbs in about 2 weeks) my stomach has never been the same. So I run to throw up and Kathy talks to Ryan. I know we were having a serious talk, but I couldn't help it. I had to. He then told me to go back to sleep when I got back and feel better.

I was up sick for another hour. Threw up more. Then finally around 11am I guess I passed out until 1. I felt better when I woke up and my cousin and I just hung out at the house a bit watching the Yankee game. Then I showered and we went to get lunch, which for me was basically a bagel as I did not trust my stomach, and then I drove home. I got home around 4:30pm and I went online and Ryan was on! Then the fight began. Basically what was fought about, discussed, or was mentioned is as follows...

-I was inconsiderate for emailing him a short email from the bar
-I should have emailed him when I woke up after being sick so he knew I was ok.
-He accused me of being too hungover to talk to him. Which is awful since he knows I have no tolerance nor do I ever lie to him, both of which he basically said I did.
-I was making things too much about me.
-I was not being sensitive to what he needed.
-I don't listen or understand.
-And I was pissing him off.

So there was a lot of him yelling at me, aka Caps and exclamation points. Cat called me in the middle of it when I was in tears and I felt awful for answering my phone at all but I was worried it was something from my old job (the lights one) so I had to make sure. But we fought like that for an hour. Then it finally came out he needed to talk to me and he was hurt that I was running off a lot and he knew once I start work at Disney our communication will suffer and he wanted this week to talk to me.

It finally came down to that he approached the subject poorly, he over reacted, he should not have yelled at me, and he was so sorry.

Simply? I thought talking to him nearly every day was an amazing thing. To him it was not enough. And he didn't tell me that well and other things came up, but that was what it boiled down to.

Then we talked normally for an hour even though it was almost 2am for him by the time we were done. I hope this post does not make him sound like a bad guy, because he isn't. Being in Iraq is really starting to get to him and us being apart is hard. We're both winging it as it is our first deployment. Today we talked for over an hour again and everything was great. We did the "What if?" game, not too seriously, but my favorite one was...

2:21pm Ryan
so what if...
what if i bought you a ring and asked you to be my wife and the ring was ugly as hell. lol

2:23pm Allie
i'd say yes then march your sorry behind back to the jewelry store with me to exchange it!

2:23pm Ryan
lol
well what would you pick out?

2:24pm Allie
what do you think i would pick out?

2:25pm Ryan
idk a white band. a round cut maybe. four prongs.

2:26pm Allie
im not picky, just not yellow gold for the band. a plain band. cut could be round or square. not picky on prongs

2:26pm Ryan
what about karat?

2:27pm Allie
sweetie i dont know the difference between a karat and a carrot

2:27pm Ryan
lol

It is weird to vent in a blog. I feel like I may be portraying Ryan or myself or Us in a bad light, and that is not my intention. I just need to vent every now and then, and I appreciate anyone who reads it and provides any input. This experience is difficult, more so than even I imagined, but thank you Readers. Whoever and wherever you are. Whether you are family, friends, or some fellow USMC_gals, I appreciate you being here!