Meltdown

I sort of lost it last night.

I have been training for a new venue at work, my third, called Where's the Fire?, which is basically like a game show of sorts about fire safety. It is pretty fun, but training is draining. It means very early mornings, 8:15am Saturday, 7:30am yesterday and today, that go until 16:00 or 17:00. It is a long day. And I am not a morning person. So I have been soooo drained.

Ryan's mom and aunts were in DC visiting him for the first time since he got back. So between that and my interesting hours we haven't gotten to talk too much the past few days. I've been asleep early so I can get up early, and he has been up late. Plus he is going back and forth to Fredericksburg because his room mate and best friend Josh had a hole in his lung that leaked into his chest cavity and landed him in the hospital. Eek. Josh is ok, but Ryan is driving a few hours when he can to see him. So it has been a lot of texting lately.

But last night when he called me, even though I had been asleep for an hour, I picked up. I was tired, and stressed (my face is awful, so many breakouts! ugh!), so I was trying to keep things light. But he knew me too well to let that slide. I told him the early mornings were wearing me down and I hated the long days that started so early. Being at work by 7:30am means clocking in by 7:15am which means being on property by 7am. That means I pick up Karli at 6:45am and leave my apartment by 6:30am and I am up before 6am. See the stress?? But he replied, "At least you get to earn a lot of money!"

That was the key phrase that made me lose it.

I said, "I am so SICK of thinking about and talking about fucking money!" and then I burst into tears. Yea, I sort of shocked the hell out of him, he didn't see that coming. Neither did I. I am broke. Why?

Plane tickets to DC, one doctor emergency clinic visit, perscriptions from said visit, gas, perscriptions I take, a flat tire that came out of nowhere, groceries, rent, going to another doctor this Wednesday to finally be checked out, my GPS breaking and dying that day (I need it, it is pretty sad), and knowing my brother's 13th birthday and Christmas are approaching.... and I have no money. I am supposed to be saving to move in with Ryan so we can live together. I am living paycheck to paycheck. I had to turn to my mom for help which makes me feel so ashamed at 22. Money is the reason he may not come see me in Disney, which is so important to me (I need him to see me and my life and friends here or he'll never get what this place means to me).

So I cried. Or sobbed. I couldn't breathe. It was awful. He calmed me down and talked to me and got me to stop and get myself calm and sleep again. I felt so terrible for unleashing on him like that. I still feel hollow today from letting it all out.

Ugh.

I hate money.