I Quit

Source

Smoking that is.

I was scared to mention it to anyone at first. I was worried I wouldn't be able to do it. Ryan actually quit smoking almost a month ago. We fortunately did not quit at the same time (we may have killed each other if we had) and took our own steps and processes with it. Ryan had a fun night and decided to quit on a Sunday where he was slightly hung over and had no desire to smoke at all. By the end of that day he was sort of wanting one and the next few days he really wanted one, but he held out. Me? I wasn't ready yet. I was scared.

But last week something came over me.

I was ready.

And to be honest, unless YOU are ready to quit, I don't think you will be able to.

Source

I am thankful Ryan didn't push me (much) and let me come to it on my own. I was courteous around him as much as I could be. I tried not to smoke in front of him during the hardest parts of quitting, but he surprised me by joining me outside a few times and then it not bothering him at all before long. Ryan told me quitting smoking was the hardest thing he had ever done. Harder than serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Harder than bootcamp. Which made me more nervous about quitting myself!

I know smoking is unhealthy. And expensive. We both did... but addiction is a powerful thing. And we were very addicted. Ryan has been smoking for ten years. I have been smoking for six years. Man, seeing that in print makes my head spin. Has it really been six years??? Ryan was usually a heavier smoker than me, but in the past year or so I caught up to him. We were both basically pack a day smokers. If we were out (or drinking) it was usually  more. We would go through a carton a week most weeks, if not more. It was time to stop.

So Friday night, I sat in my garage after we came home from bowling with friends. I had two left in my pack. I felt it in my heart then, these would by my last ones, this would be my last pack. Those thoughts ran through my head over and over again as I finished them and went to bed, throwing my empty pack away as I did so.

Saturday was hard.

I hoped to sleep in so I'd have less time to deal with cravings. Even though I went to bed late I was up early. I took it hour by hour. Let me make it until 9am... 10am... 11am... then I started watching movies. Make it to the end of this move. Then the next movie. Ryan eventually got up and found me practically shaking on the couch... I hadn't mentioned to him that I was trying to quit until that moment.

That entire weekend was extremely difficult. I cried more than once, literally sobbed on the couch as Ryan tried to help me through it. Nicotine withdrawl is no joke, I didn't feel like I could make it. I pushed myself just to make it until bed time. I downloaded free stop smoking ads on my phone. I played with silly putty to give my hands something to do. I tried meditative breathing. I drank green tea. I cried more. I paced. I prayed.

And I made it.

The first seventy two hours are the hardest... the most cravings and the strongest. The vivid nightmares and dreams are rough. Then it gets easier. Not easy by any means, but easier.

From my Livestrong App

Saturday should have way, way more cravings, but I didn't download the app until about five pm so the seven cravings I had occured between 5pm and 11pm when I finally crashed into bed. They are becoming less as in I am having less cravings and they are weaker and shorter. Thank God. This app has helped me so much. When I have a craving I hit the button on this app (after seeing my picture of my motivation) and it gives me encouragement statistics and such. I've made it through some major triggers too.... a work day (now week), traffic, driving/being in the car, having a large meal, leaving a movie theatre and others. The two major ones I have yet to encounter are being around someone or a group of people smoking and drinking alcohol. They will happen sooner or later and I feel like I can do it. I wanted to quit and I feel positive about it.

Ryan has been amazing through it all too. I am so proud of him for kicking this off. He read books about it (Never Take Another Puff by Joel Spitzer, a completely free book available online) and chewed gum to curb his cravings. He also switched from coffee to tea, which for those of you who know my husband and his coffee addiction, this is a feat in itself! We both went cold turkey, no patches, nicotine gum or chantix. I personally didn't even chew gum because I didn't want to pick up another habit. Yes I know gum chewing is hardly as bad as smoking but it works in my brain. We've started walking Rylie in the evenings so we don't just sit on the couch and watch TV. Changing our routine helps!

My latest stats from this morning. That's a lot for one week.

I was scared to mention it before now because I didn't want to let anyone down if I failed. Silly right? I know support is important and I am not out of the woods yet, but I am getting there slowly but surely. I made it through the hardest week and I can keep doing it.

If you smoke and want to quit, do it. When you are ready, you will know, and you CAN do it. The LiveStrong app and the QuitIt app (both free) have helped me immensely, especially the LiveStrong app and the community message boards. If you slip and smoke again, it's ok, just try again. Each time will get easier. You CAN do it. If I can, anyone can.

Thanks for reading all, wish me luck!

Source

The Night Before...

Sorry about the bad sound quality and the two screen thing. No idea how to fix it! I will look later.

I want to do some "before" pictures too, but my husband is nowhere to be found... so they may not happen.

I am going to leave to pick my mom up at the train station.

Wish me luck bloggers! I will see you next week sometime.

Friday Friday Friiiiiday

This week's round up is hosted by The Lowe Family News. PS I am totally in LOVE with her blog header. It kind of made my day. New follower alert for me there! Haha.

No Friday Fill In today... such is the life of a Milspouse! Things happen.

Ryan and I talked last night. And texted today. My head is buzzing. I may try and write a separate entry later. Things are looking a little bleak unfortunately. Ugh.

More Troops

Obama made his announcement.... 35,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Meaning over 100,000 troops will be there. One Marine unit will be in before Christmas. BEFORE CHRISTMAS. There are Marines and Marine families out there who were planning a holiday together who now will be apart. Large numbers will deploy early next year as well.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091201/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_us_afghanistan

I am kind of scared Ryan will be in one of them. He only just got back from Iraq. He was only there about four months, not the full seven. I know he has to be home for a little while at least... but we're apart until at least January anyway and, well I have been dreading this announcement from Obama for weeks now and I am still kind of nauseous about it. Yes it could be worse. Rumors of troops ranged from 30,000-85,000 so this lower end of the spectrum is definitely a good thing.

Ugh.

Thanksgiving and the Future

I hope you all had a fantastic holiday!


So my mom found out Ryan and his friend Garrett weren't going home for Thanksgiving because South Carolina and Nebraska are kind of far... so that is how my boyfriend and one of his best friends ended up in New Jersey with my family for Thanksgiving with me in Disney!!! I was kind of jealous.


Garrett, Ryan, Jill and Derek (cousins), and my brother Stefan in front at my Babci and Poppy's for Thanksgiving

But apparently Ryan asked my parents' permission to marry me while he was there. How do I know that? Because he was nervous about it and told me! Haha. He also let me know that he had been looking at rings since he was in Iraq. He found a diamond and the perfect setting and looked every day for six weeks when he got back.... and he had to tell me THAT because it is so perfect.

Oh my god.

EEE!

Of course no one will tell me how the talk went. My mom pretends to know nothing and I can't ask my dad as I am not supposed to know and Ryan suddenly doesn't want to share! But apparently it "went well". Definitely a good thing. Now that I know that though I want to know when it will happen! And how! And where! I want it to happen so soon but I don't want to know the details and watch it ends up being a long ways away and he just took advantage of the fact that he could talk to my parents without me there. I don't know. Ack.

So now on to our favorite F-Word... the Future.

Ryan and I planned to move in together in DC when I left Disney. Well, I haven't saved as much money as I hoped and I am not having any luck finding jobs so it may not happen. Ryan "splitting" the rent went from 50-50ish to me paying most of it and him helping with other bills. With the money how it is right now I can't do that. So the only solution seems to be me moving home (ugh) again to NJ and working multiple jobs there to save money. It is just so frustrating. I cry over it constantly just because that's how my body reacts to stress. Which sucks.

I just love working at Disney. And if we're going to be apart, again, until February/May/August I wish I could just stay here and work. But I can't. Beneifts and more money and all. Ugh. I don't want to move home. And work in crappy jobs I hate. As I can't find anything, I am terrified I am just going to go back to Kohls and I don't think I can handle it.

I just don't know.

Can I fast forward please?

Tests

So this morning was pretty terrifying for me. I was up at 5am and Don, Patrick, and I were in the car by 5:40am. We drove for half an hour or so to this surgical center where I was the first patient of the day for an endoscopy. For those of you who don't know what that is it is a test where they knock you out and essentially shove a camera down your throat to your stomach, look around, and do a biopsy. I have never been knocked out before, I mean I still have my wisdom teeth! It was so nervewracking for me. And since I couldn't drive myself the guys insisted on helping me out.

I go in to the back and I get a saline IV in my hand while they ask me lots of questions. No I haven't taken advil or aspirin in a week, no I am not pregnant, no I didn't eat or drink after midnight... so I got my blood pressure taken about 10 times, my temperature, and a pregnancy test for good measure. I wasn't lying. I hate when you're female and anytime you're slightly sick they think you are pregnant. Anyway...

I got taken into the back where I had about six sensors attached to me, the blood pressure cuff, the IV, and oxygen in my nose. All the while lying on my side... not too comfy when you're all wired up! The nurses were all talking to me, I know trying to distract me since my heart was racing, and they were commenting on Ryan's boot camp graduation ring that I wear on my necklace (it wouldn't even fit on my thumb). They said it took them back to see a girl with her boyfriend's ring like that. But the next thing I know they are telling me to bite on something to keep my mouth open for the procedure....

And then I woke up. I didn't even know they started let alone finished. The nurse had me get up and let Don and Patrick back to keep me company. It wasn't bad, I was a little tired but fully alert the instant I woke up, which was something I was worried about. The doctor came and told me my stomach was red, so they are testing for some sort of bacteria infection (yikes) but no tumors or cancer (always a plus). He still wants me to have my hydrascan or whatever and a stomach x-ray all for gallbladder purposes so I still don't have many answers.

I came home and slept from 9am-1pm and now I am just a little groggy still. I miss Ryan a lot, I wish he could have been here today. I know if it was possible he would have been in a heartbeat, but I really miss my peanut butter (I'm the jelly obviously, we're total opposites but work to make the best sandwich).

He also told me today he was talking to a career counselor and is petitioning to take his fifth year off his contract. I wonder what that means? I thought he was re-enlisting after the five but now, well, I wonder what is going on? Waiting to hear back!

Thanks for reading.

Meltdown

I sort of lost it last night.

I have been training for a new venue at work, my third, called Where's the Fire?, which is basically like a game show of sorts about fire safety. It is pretty fun, but training is draining. It means very early mornings, 8:15am Saturday, 7:30am yesterday and today, that go until 16:00 or 17:00. It is a long day. And I am not a morning person. So I have been soooo drained.

Ryan's mom and aunts were in DC visiting him for the first time since he got back. So between that and my interesting hours we haven't gotten to talk too much the past few days. I've been asleep early so I can get up early, and he has been up late. Plus he is going back and forth to Fredericksburg because his room mate and best friend Josh had a hole in his lung that leaked into his chest cavity and landed him in the hospital. Eek. Josh is ok, but Ryan is driving a few hours when he can to see him. So it has been a lot of texting lately.

But last night when he called me, even though I had been asleep for an hour, I picked up. I was tired, and stressed (my face is awful, so many breakouts! ugh!), so I was trying to keep things light. But he knew me too well to let that slide. I told him the early mornings were wearing me down and I hated the long days that started so early. Being at work by 7:30am means clocking in by 7:15am which means being on property by 7am. That means I pick up Karli at 6:45am and leave my apartment by 6:30am and I am up before 6am. See the stress?? But he replied, "At least you get to earn a lot of money!"

That was the key phrase that made me lose it.

I said, "I am so SICK of thinking about and talking about fucking money!" and then I burst into tears. Yea, I sort of shocked the hell out of him, he didn't see that coming. Neither did I. I am broke. Why?

Plane tickets to DC, one doctor emergency clinic visit, perscriptions from said visit, gas, perscriptions I take, a flat tire that came out of nowhere, groceries, rent, going to another doctor this Wednesday to finally be checked out, my GPS breaking and dying that day (I need it, it is pretty sad), and knowing my brother's 13th birthday and Christmas are approaching.... and I have no money. I am supposed to be saving to move in with Ryan so we can live together. I am living paycheck to paycheck. I had to turn to my mom for help which makes me feel so ashamed at 22. Money is the reason he may not come see me in Disney, which is so important to me (I need him to see me and my life and friends here or he'll never get what this place means to me).

So I cried. Or sobbed. I couldn't breathe. It was awful. He calmed me down and talked to me and got me to stop and get myself calm and sleep again. I felt so terrible for unleashing on him like that. I still feel hollow today from letting it all out.

Ugh.

I hate money.

Allie = Wimp

So a big group of people from work really wanted to go to Universal Studios tonight for Haunted Horror Nights. I am a wimp. Totally. I will admit it fully without a problem. I said no, declined, said no, fought it, and then found myself in a car on my way there somehow. Ugh. It was a huge group of people and I got sort of in on the excitement but as we got closer I realized what the hell I was getting myself into. It is all based on scary movies this year, 'Ripped from the Silver Screen'. So Chucky, Saw, Dracula, Wolfman... etc. Did I mention I hate scary movies?

So we walk through Universal City Walk toward the entrance to the park, and I freeze. I couldn't do it. I saw people walking outside in like a bizarre bellboy/girl (like old school movie ushers) dead people make up and outfits. Plus a giant movie screen with scary movie stuff playing... and I can't do it. I found myself shaking and nearly hyperventilating. Don and Christine weren't thrilled about going either so the three of us backed out last second and just hung out at City Walk for an hour or so and then came home. So glad about that decision. We found a map and saw to get to any of the FOUR (yea, four) rides that were open you had to at least go to one scare zone. It was mainly about haunted houses, not my thing.

I have to say, after being in the cleanliness and magicalness of Disney, Universal seems so skanky in comparison! And with the clubs in the area and the drunk people going around and the look of everything... I am biased, but I like Disney much better.

The last time I went to a Haunted House was in high school. We did a haunted hay ride which freaked me out, then we had to go through a corn maze to get to the haunted house. I didn't know the corn maze was haunted. So when things and things with chainsaws started chasing me I started running, even through the walls and out to the outside. There I had an asthma attack and had to be put on oxygen. THAT was fun. But I didn't have to go in the Haunted House!

We're going back to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party tomorrow. MUCH more my speed!


ONE WEEK!

It's so hard to say goodbye...

Well I cannot believe how quickly this time has flown. He's gone. I guess I need to back track a little. Wednesday I ended up not going down to see him since he called to tell me that we had more time than expected! Which was great. But I had rehearsal and then Mom came into DC and I picked her up at Union Station, she came in at 10:30am so it was an "early" morning for me (up at 9!) but I was at her gate waiting with coffee so I did well. We spent the day together, did some shopping (pretty shirt in the picture is evidence) and monument hopping. That and this AWFUL late dinner thing at this french cafe... we had a pizza thingy that was ok and then this meat/bread/cold/overspiced thing that made us both pretty sick! Ick. The next day Mom came to rehearsal with me and Redrum is kind of a death trap. 12 lighting instruments, holes in ceiling and floor, no bathroom in the building, light board with no memory and two faders I slide manually for cues (ignore techy talk, if you don't get it just realize it is old and difficult!), and hot! But she liked what she saw and after that we braved rush hour for the drive to Quantico.

2 Hours later we made it! Ryan shaved his head as per pre deployment tradition and he had that whole Keanu Reeves (ala Matrix) look about him! Friday was parents meeting day. My mom got to meet his mom, Bob, and his grandparents and things went well! We all had dinner (at Sam's again!) in Q-Town and then hung out behind the barracks in typical weekday night style. We had some beers and Ryan and I played horseshoes (I lost 5-3. We were so bad we only played to 5) and sat and talked and smoked. My mom and I stayed a little longer after Ryan's family left which was great for me to spend just a little more time with him. Then the MPs (Military Police) and were checking IDs... then they saw my mom and just laughed and lightened up on the whole thing!

We then went to my mom's friend Suzanne's house for the night since she was local and it was free. It was nice to stay there but I got a little time warped/confused and, well it stunk to have happen. In the morning Ryan called at 11am and said head over whenever since originally we were to be there at 1pm. I also wrote Ryan this long card and got ready and things happened and by the time we got to base it was after 1pm. I thought they were leaving at 9pm but there was a communication mix up and he actually was in formation by 3pm and gone on the busses by 3:30pm. So I only had an hour and a half with him. I felt awful and so incredibly guilty. To top it all off, I love my mom dearly, but she can't be the designated photographer anymore because this is the only front on picture of the both of us. She cut Ryan out almost completly! You can see the tshirt I am wearing, it has the Eagle Globe and Anchor with the words, Is It February Yet? And Mr Dave, Ryan and his room mate Josh's old boss came to send off. He was incredibly sweet and it was very nice to see him again. You could tell he really cared about both of them and he was sad to see them go. And he gave them each a medal for their dog tags which they both promptly put on. I also re-connected with a woman who is a wife of someone Ryan deployed with. Nadia has been keeping me up to date whenever she hears anything so she has been amazing.

Three o'clock came way, way too quickly and before I knew it I was hugging him goodbye.

You can't really see him hugging me back since they were all issued their weapons before send off. But his arm was tightly wrapped around my shoulder and holding me tight. Kissed him goodbye, told him how proud I was of him and I loved him so much and he'd better come home, handed him the letter, and that was it. Said goodbye to Josh as he went towards formation and watched them all stand there. It was like a tease! They were right there and we couldn't hug them or talk to them!

There was a motivational talk and then they were on the busses. I got one last glimpse of him and he was gone....

Man oh man did I bawl. I cried the entire way back to DC. Mom drove. I called Poppy and he talked to me a bit and then Mom took me to a movie to distract me; UP. It was good, a little sad in the beginning but mostly very funny. One line got me teary again, the little boy said, "It may sound boring, but it is the boring things I miss the most." It made me think of Ryan, because it really hit home. It is the little things you miss. The hand holding, the silly jokes, the traditional couple things. We then got some cupcakes in Chinatown and went back to the hotel. It took me ages to finally fall asleep, besides the fact that my mom snores. Like a freight train! I made her take allergy medicine last night but it didn't help too much. Then Nadia called me around 8:45am to tell me she heard from her husband and that they were in Germany. Mom and I had breakfast delivered to the room, we were lazy, and then went to church. In church when they did the intercession for all military personnel I started crying again. I prayed for Ryan, and Josh and Mic and everyone else. There are so many people on this end praying for them and for a safe return. After church we briefly went to my apartment and I checked my email before we left. I was ecstatic to see one from Ryan waiting. He was saying he was in Germany and loved and missed me already. It was soooooo good to hear from him, even if it was just an email. I took Mom to the train station and dropped her off after that.


Then we had our first show. Life in Death. The Fringe festival kind of screwed us, they said in the program our show was Saturday, not Sunday, so we had four people in the audience! No major train wrecks, mostly it was hot and the singers got a bit disorieented and screwed up lyrically towards the end and I battled some hard light cues, but we did it! After the show we all walked around the corner to have a beer and just relax. I talked to Ryan's Mom on the phone for a bit and she told me you were in Iraq probably by now, not Kuwaiit (like originally thought for a few weeks). I had a BLT (with cheese!) and a beer, then went home. Where I had another email waiting! This one said he (and his gear) made it to Iraq. I signed on to facebook and saw he updated his status and I must have missed him by two minutes!!!! I was so sad. But I did have an email so I snapped myself out of it and sent him a nice long one back.

Since being home I uploaded my pictures, read my emails, and updated this. All as my room mate is moving out. Laura left before the 4th weekend and now Jackie is going... so it is just me and Caitlin til the end of the month? Not sure. The past nights were rough. I haven't slept too well and I keep having small moments of panic when I think about it too much. It really is such a long time. It terrifies me. I literally get this electric shock through my body and almost can't breathe when I think about it too much. I try not to. I tell myself I can do this and we can make it. I just wrap myself in the prayer shawl the ministry at church made me (and for Ryan's mom) with each stitch done with a prayer. And I cuddle with Mutsy, my stuffed puppy in Ryan's tshirt that smells like him and I update it with his cologne. Then I can calm down. I can do it. 2 days almost down, a lot to go. Is it next year yet?





I miss him so much.