Lonely?

I came to a semi startling realization lately (with some articles like this one and this one ... they definitely helped me on this path... well, you'll see). With Ryan in the field and a deployment on the near horizon it was not a revelation I enjoyed having.

I am pretty lonely these days.

When my husband is home, it is terrific. He is my best friend and I love spending any available minute I can with him. Working at the library means working evenings and weekends... so that time we do have together with opposite schedules really is precious. But when he is at work (whether for the day, the week or in the future 6-9 months) I am pretty lonely.

I have friends in the area, don't get me wrong. It isn't like I don't know anyone like I did at this time last year... but I am disappointed I did not bond with someone in a super close way. There is no one I am comfortable calling randomly to say, "Hey, I'm bored... want to do something?" No improvised movie dates, drinks or anything seem to ever happen. When I hang out with people it tends to be in groups where I know one person really well and everyone else knows, well, everyone else. I didn't expect to feel like an oddball out after living here a year. I know friendships take time, but it is pretty disheartening to feel this way. At 25 the WAAH I don't have any close friends sort of phase should be over, don't you think?

There are some wonderful people I know here, but I haven't moved beyond just good friends with anyone. No future BFFs seem to be in my horizon and knowing I am about to face a deployment without someone like that makes me dread it more. There are amazing military spouses (and civilians) in this town, I just wish I clicked with someone on that level.

Does this make any sense?

I may just be rambling, and because this is my blog I think that is allowed... but it still sucks. My best friend lives in New Jersey and is moving futher away in the near future to Rhode Island. Most of my family lives in other states and my own family, even being in the same state, is a good seven hours away. There are some days I just want to jump out of my skin. The Dup is a great bud (you know, for a dog) but there are even days I wish I could just depend on someone else to entertain her. There cannot even be improvised roadtrips because with work my time is wonky and with The Dup she hates the car. I have to pay to board her if I didn't want to bring her somewhere as I don't even have anyone nearby I feel comfortable to pet sit for a few days. We are in the unique position of being married for awhile (not newly weds at any rate) and having no children or any forseeable ones for some time (like after this deployment maybe). Lots of people around here have kids or have been here long enough to have set social circles. Having a job usually helps that and while my coworkers are wonderful there are not many of us (um, like three others besides me at my branch) and they are older than me with kids and lives.

Hopefully something will change. I know I can volunteer or do more things to meet people, but the rare times I seem not to be working I want to spend time with Ryan... great for our marriage but it will bite me in the you know what in a few months when he is no longer around.

Thanks for reading this nonsensical assortment of words. My poor blog has been so all over the place lately I do appreciate any of you who are still around. Maybe things will change.. hopefully I can push myself in that direction and out of my comfort zone and make it happen. You never know.



PS - The chair is totally covered under warranty and a free arm will be here to be repaired in the next 4-6 weeks. Ultimate win right there! The furniture person was very apologetic about the wait but it is free so it does not bother me in the slightest. That chair will just be moved to the back of the dining room until I can get it fixed!

Happy

Can I just say, I am so happy!

Literally this weekend I had this bubble in my chest that resulted in random giggling abd big smiles and me smacking my husband's arm in pure excitement. Yes, I am a dork.

We're in such a good place right now. Even with Ryan's re-enlistment still pending, we're happy. The weather is starting to get warmer too, which makes everything better! Saturday we went to get my car back from the shop after getting the body work done from my car accident this past fall. But... my car was making a funny noise. It was running really rough and I got nervous! I needed my car back to get to work and to get to the doctor Tuesday! The only engine thing they did was an oil change so we got the body shop to refun the oil change and drove to Jiffy Lube. Anytime we stopped and idled we threw the car in neutral. My bubble began to get a little deflated, what was wrong with my car? Wrong oil?? Something?

We finally get to Jiffy Lube, the guy Sal looks at it for two seconds and sees my PCV valve got knocked off. The person changing my oil last must have done it. He gave us a new hose, for free, and put it on for us. Ryan slipped him $10 for being so awesome and my bubble re-inflated fully!

After we tried to make it to the Old Town Saint Patrick's Day parade but we're too late. So we settled in at an Irish pub with this super sweet woman who actually works at Walter Reed as a psychotherapist and was willing to share the table! She was so sweet and we had a great conversation. After Ryan and I walked to the Torpedo Factory and walked around for a bit. At home we had a quick dinner and then went to my favorite bar, Nick's. Nick's is a country bar, they offer free line dancing lessons if you get there early enough (some day we will!) and usually have live music.

I couldn't really drink since I was still on antibiotics from surgery but Ryan and I had a blast. He forced me to do kareoke (NEVER. AGAIN.) and we sang Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Oy. Then I made him dance with me. Nick's has a lot of people, old and young, and sometimes watching the older couples on the dance floor is so intimidating. They know what dance to do with EVERY song! Man I need to learn!

Sunday was pouring rain but we ventured out to church, then IHOP, and then to grocery shop. Man was it raining cats and dogs, but we trudged through. After we went to the mall to get me to Nordstroms. Their bras were highly recommended to me by Sarah to go for a fitting, pricey yes, but worth it.

Standing in the dressing room I was pretty nervous. The woman had me take even my surgical bra off to get fitted and I was worried I was going to freak her out with my stitches (I have a lot!). But she was wonderful. She measured me and gave me bras to try on.

And I cried.

I stood in the dressing room looking at myself in a three way mirror with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I was wearing a 36C for the first time since I was 14 years old.

Yes, tears of joy!

I tried on a few pretty bras that Ryan had me get (the fitter had me show him since I was so excited) and I cannot wait to hit the six week mark so I can wear them.



I am happy.

I am healing. My back doesn't hurt. I am standing up straight.

I have a wonderful husband I love more than anything. We are close to our one year anniversary!

My car is fine and back in business! No more climbing over the console from the passenger side to get in the car.

It is getting warmer.

Work is good.

I love where we live.



I am so happy.

Tests

So this morning was pretty terrifying for me. I was up at 5am and Don, Patrick, and I were in the car by 5:40am. We drove for half an hour or so to this surgical center where I was the first patient of the day for an endoscopy. For those of you who don't know what that is it is a test where they knock you out and essentially shove a camera down your throat to your stomach, look around, and do a biopsy. I have never been knocked out before, I mean I still have my wisdom teeth! It was so nervewracking for me. And since I couldn't drive myself the guys insisted on helping me out.

I go in to the back and I get a saline IV in my hand while they ask me lots of questions. No I haven't taken advil or aspirin in a week, no I am not pregnant, no I didn't eat or drink after midnight... so I got my blood pressure taken about 10 times, my temperature, and a pregnancy test for good measure. I wasn't lying. I hate when you're female and anytime you're slightly sick they think you are pregnant. Anyway...

I got taken into the back where I had about six sensors attached to me, the blood pressure cuff, the IV, and oxygen in my nose. All the while lying on my side... not too comfy when you're all wired up! The nurses were all talking to me, I know trying to distract me since my heart was racing, and they were commenting on Ryan's boot camp graduation ring that I wear on my necklace (it wouldn't even fit on my thumb). They said it took them back to see a girl with her boyfriend's ring like that. But the next thing I know they are telling me to bite on something to keep my mouth open for the procedure....

And then I woke up. I didn't even know they started let alone finished. The nurse had me get up and let Don and Patrick back to keep me company. It wasn't bad, I was a little tired but fully alert the instant I woke up, which was something I was worried about. The doctor came and told me my stomach was red, so they are testing for some sort of bacteria infection (yikes) but no tumors or cancer (always a plus). He still wants me to have my hydrascan or whatever and a stomach x-ray all for gallbladder purposes so I still don't have many answers.

I came home and slept from 9am-1pm and now I am just a little groggy still. I miss Ryan a lot, I wish he could have been here today. I know if it was possible he would have been in a heartbeat, but I really miss my peanut butter (I'm the jelly obviously, we're total opposites but work to make the best sandwich).

He also told me today he was talking to a career counselor and is petitioning to take his fifth year off his contract. I wonder what that means? I thought he was re-enlisting after the five but now, well, I wonder what is going on? Waiting to hear back!

Thanks for reading.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Deployments!

I saw that bumper sticker on a fellow Marine girl's site and I had to use it. Because it is so true. I don't know if I have really talked about how much Ryan being deployed is really awful. Yes I have complained a little and said they suck, but I never took the time to put an emotional thought or feeling behind it, suddenly I kind of feel the need to try.

To sum it up, they suck. Easy assumption and oh so true. Having the person you love the most be so far away is heartbreaking. For about fourteen months I was so spoiled. I could call him whenever I wanted, yes if he was working I would miss him, but I could leave a voicemail. Or even text him. We had a nightly phone call before we went to sleep at night. Nearly every weekend and holiday we spent together. Sometimes even during the week if I didn't have class or he got off work early we'd have that time together. I could fall asleep in his arms, not have to rely on my stuffed dog in one of his old tshirts to have the smell slowly fading away from it. I hate that I cannot talk to him unless he can contact me, and if I am working or out with friends I feel so awful to miss him. I see couples around Disney all the time, holding hands or kissing or just waiting in line together and I get so jealous I swear my eyes turn green. I constantly worry about him and his safety. Any song I hear I can think of him, any movie or tv show we ever watched together makes my heart hurt, There are so many things I just want to tell him as they happen or just hear his opinion on. Days sometimes seem endlessly long because I cannot stop thinking about him or missing him.

My mom told me for years the right guy would come along for me. I went on a few dates, had a bad botched relationship in high school that was barely a blip on the radar, and had a few meaningless hookups... but never met the right guy. I began to honestly think he may not be out there for me, at least night at this point in my life. So I stopped looking. I usually hate it when my Mom is right, but this time was worth it. The instant I stopped caring so much and fretting about being single Ryan walked into my life. Since then he went from being that cute guy at the drama party I had never seen before to the guy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. It is amazing the difference a year can make. I never imagined I would meet someone like Ryan and fall in love so deeply, but I did. And that made him going on this deployment all the more difficult.

I think I have been overly stressing lately for a lot of things. I have tried to thinking beyond Disney. The only reason I will probably stay longer is if I get offered a role in entertainment, but those auditions apparently are not until November. So I can't really plan. With Ryan coming home early I am trying to figure out the future, but it is so overwhelming. Health insurance, benefits, car insurance, rent, jobs, money... I wanted to crawl under my bed and cry. I have been trying to save money here but with my pay not so great it has been hard. I wanted to have a nest egg after this, but it isn't looking likely.

Ryan said I am enough, my love and me is all he needs. But I don't think I can go into a future with him with nothing. It doesn't seem fair. He should not have to support me as well as himself. And that is stressing me out. I cannot look for a new job in DC, since I don't even know where I will be yet. What if Ryan gets stationed in California and I move with him and then he gets deployed again and I am left all alone there?

No wonder I have a headache. Thanks for reading the rambling if anyone did. It's appreciated!