Day 8

Day 8 - A Photo that makes you angry/sad

Any photos that make me angry would be inappropriate to post on my blog (in my opinion) so I will post one that makes me sad.



Saying my last goodbye to Ryan before he left for Iraq. I sometimes find it hard to believe that one of the most painful moments of my life was caught on film (or digital) but I am glad that looking back I have it. I honestly felt the most heartbreaking sorrow in that moment and such fear... it was unlike anything I had ever experienced and I hope I never will have to again.

___________________________

I got my nails done today and I am happy with them! Yay! Now Ryan and I are going to head to this Greek restaurant on King St I have been dying to try so I am pretty excited. We were up til almost 2am watching the DVD of our wedding we just got in the mail from my mom's friend Ann Marie. It was very sweet, I cried more watching it I think than I did on the wedding day! And we have all the amazing speeches... the homily, best man, maid of honor, my dad, Ryan's grandfather... all on tape.

And we ordered our thank you notes today. Progress!

More Troops

Obama made his announcement.... 35,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Meaning over 100,000 troops will be there. One Marine unit will be in before Christmas. BEFORE CHRISTMAS. There are Marines and Marine families out there who were planning a holiday together who now will be apart. Large numbers will deploy early next year as well.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091201/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_us_afghanistan

I am kind of scared Ryan will be in one of them. He only just got back from Iraq. He was only there about four months, not the full seven. I know he has to be home for a little while at least... but we're apart until at least January anyway and, well I have been dreading this announcement from Obama for weeks now and I am still kind of nauseous about it. Yes it could be worse. Rumors of troops ranged from 30,000-85,000 so this lower end of the spectrum is definitely a good thing.

Ugh.

Hey Jealousy?

So I know one of the biggest issues Ryan and I have in our relationship is the issue of jealousy. His ex was not the nicest person and really hurt his ability to fully trust in others. She basically left him for one of his best friends. Now the problem is, I always have been one to have a big mixed group of friends. I usually have a big mix of guys and girls that I hang out with and that has always been a sore spot for Ryan in our relationship.


Graduation Party

Whether it was me playing video games at my friend Brian's house, hanging out with Nate, Jeff, and Dave from my theatre school when I am home in NJ, or hanging out with Don and Patrick in Disney... we have had pretty decetly sized fights about all of them. I would never do anything to hurt Ryan, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have friends who are guys because, well let's face it, they are usually awesome to hang with, are honest (not catty at any rate), know sports, and are easy to talk to. Girls are much more complicated! I bond really well with one or two girls and get super close, but in big groups I do have my guy friends.


Team Bro-Womance at Disney Cast Quest

Now when I hang out with Don and Patrick here for example, usually it is in a group. 9 times out of 10 it is in a big group. Patrick and Don have a huge "bro-mance", they remind me of Ryan and his room mate Josh in a lot of ways, and Karli and I have the designated "wo-mance" (not as catchy but it works!). Usually the four of us hang out together. Karli's boyfriend Bryce is giving her the same flak Ryan is giving me which makes me feel a bit better, but not much. Patrick is dating Jenny, Don is on-off with Sara... and Karli and I are taken! What is wrong with the four of us being friends?? We work the same venues at work, we have fun together, and it breaks up the monotiny of the day in Innoventions.


The Love of my Life

So I haven't had a phone call from Ryan in nearly a month, and before today our longest talk in a week was maybe 10 minutes. Today he spent an hour of precious internet time (Al Asad sucks for that) arguing with me about being friends with guys! This isn't third grade, boys and girls don't have to be separate from coodies contamination and just because you are male and female does not mean sex has to be involved for any sort of connection to be possible.

These guys are my friends. Nothing more.

1. I have Ryan, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. That trumps anything anyone else could throw at me.
2. Not attracted to them. I love them dearly, but these guys become like my brothers. I have three already, I don't mind having more pseudo-ones in the mix.
3. If anyone, and I mean anyone, was disrespectful to me or my relationship I'd kick them in the balls so hard they'd come out of their noses.

The guys hear me talk about Ryan all the time. They want to see him when he comes down here. It is no secret. I have always been upfront and honest with Ryan in our relationship, and I think that is what makes all the difference.

He eventually backed off and apologized. I did too. I know it bothers him, but I don't seek out guys to befriend on purpose or anything. They are just my friends. Plain and simple. And usually when he DOES meet them he gets along great with them. Example given being my graduation party when Ryan went off with Jeff, Nate, and Dave on a cigarette run to a store 2 minutes away and we're gone for nearly 45 minutes. They got along great.

Sorry for the venting today, I was just frustrated that the hour and a half we had to talk this morning had almost an hour wasted on a pointless fight we've had many times before. Of course it ends up ok in the end, but I hate fighting with Ryan over anything and it is frustrating with him so far away. He will be back soon and I know we will be just fine. In 10 days I will tackle him, I swear I will!

I know he wants to be here with me and experiencing Disney with me like my friends here get to... and he will once he goes on leave. I told him he has to trust me. He said he did, it was the other guys he didn't trust. I said it doesn't really work that way, you have to trust my ability to choose my friends and the people I associate with, if they weren't good people, they wouldn't be in my life. Wow, this came out to be a much longer entry than I intended. Props if you read it!

It is all about the trust baby.

The Good and the Bad

First... The Bad
I won't be at homecoming for Ryan.
I haven't had a phone call from him since September 30th.

BUT the Good
I will be there for Ryan's 96! Hopefully the 96 information was right since my flight is now booked! And work oks everything...
I did get to talk to him this morning online for a little bit. It was slow and not for long, but it was so incredibly worth it.

These next few weeks are going to be so agonizingly slow! I am really upset I cannot be there for him getting off the bus. Megan and Nadia said they'd take pictures for me, but it isn't the same. I couldn't get the short notice to work and the flight would be $250 vs the $130 I paid for next week.

SOON!

He will be home in SO SOON. It is basically 99.99% official. I cannot wait. I am just waiting to hear from him to confirm that he wants me in Quantico on the day and I will be there. It has been three days now since we spoke so I am dying to hear from him for the all clear go ahead. Something tells me this week will be impossibly long but I will get through it. Cross your fingers Disney gets me off work for a few days. Especially with that unfortunate sick day under my belt...

Note to self: Find a doctor and get an appointment for Monday. Gall bladder you will NOT win!

Wish me luck readers. This deployment is winding down!

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Deployments!

I saw that bumper sticker on a fellow Marine girl's site and I had to use it. Because it is so true. I don't know if I have really talked about how much Ryan being deployed is really awful. Yes I have complained a little and said they suck, but I never took the time to put an emotional thought or feeling behind it, suddenly I kind of feel the need to try.

To sum it up, they suck. Easy assumption and oh so true. Having the person you love the most be so far away is heartbreaking. For about fourteen months I was so spoiled. I could call him whenever I wanted, yes if he was working I would miss him, but I could leave a voicemail. Or even text him. We had a nightly phone call before we went to sleep at night. Nearly every weekend and holiday we spent together. Sometimes even during the week if I didn't have class or he got off work early we'd have that time together. I could fall asleep in his arms, not have to rely on my stuffed dog in one of his old tshirts to have the smell slowly fading away from it. I hate that I cannot talk to him unless he can contact me, and if I am working or out with friends I feel so awful to miss him. I see couples around Disney all the time, holding hands or kissing or just waiting in line together and I get so jealous I swear my eyes turn green. I constantly worry about him and his safety. Any song I hear I can think of him, any movie or tv show we ever watched together makes my heart hurt, There are so many things I just want to tell him as they happen or just hear his opinion on. Days sometimes seem endlessly long because I cannot stop thinking about him or missing him.

My mom told me for years the right guy would come along for me. I went on a few dates, had a bad botched relationship in high school that was barely a blip on the radar, and had a few meaningless hookups... but never met the right guy. I began to honestly think he may not be out there for me, at least night at this point in my life. So I stopped looking. I usually hate it when my Mom is right, but this time was worth it. The instant I stopped caring so much and fretting about being single Ryan walked into my life. Since then he went from being that cute guy at the drama party I had never seen before to the guy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. It is amazing the difference a year can make. I never imagined I would meet someone like Ryan and fall in love so deeply, but I did. And that made him going on this deployment all the more difficult.

I think I have been overly stressing lately for a lot of things. I have tried to thinking beyond Disney. The only reason I will probably stay longer is if I get offered a role in entertainment, but those auditions apparently are not until November. So I can't really plan. With Ryan coming home early I am trying to figure out the future, but it is so overwhelming. Health insurance, benefits, car insurance, rent, jobs, money... I wanted to crawl under my bed and cry. I have been trying to save money here but with my pay not so great it has been hard. I wanted to have a nest egg after this, but it isn't looking likely.

Ryan said I am enough, my love and me is all he needs. But I don't think I can go into a future with him with nothing. It doesn't seem fair. He should not have to support me as well as himself. And that is stressing me out. I cannot look for a new job in DC, since I don't even know where I will be yet. What if Ryan gets stationed in California and I move with him and then he gets deployed again and I am left all alone there?

No wonder I have a headache. Thanks for reading the rambling if anyone did. It's appreciated!

AMAZING

Yes! Some of you lovely ladies guessed it........... THEY'RE COMING HOME EARLY!!! I am so flippin' excited I do not know what to do with myself!

He called me yesterday and I was in tears on the phone since I was so happy! Since the dates are not perfectly exact, just a small range, I can't request off of work yet. So I am going to go talk to my managers today to give them a heads up and also email the Professor of my upcoming entertainment class and say there is a probably conflict with one of the dates and if it is ok to miss it. It is a pretty darn good excuse in my book!

I am so happy. I just cannot believe he is coming home!

<3

It's so hard to say goodbye...

Well I cannot believe how quickly this time has flown. He's gone. I guess I need to back track a little. Wednesday I ended up not going down to see him since he called to tell me that we had more time than expected! Which was great. But I had rehearsal and then Mom came into DC and I picked her up at Union Station, she came in at 10:30am so it was an "early" morning for me (up at 9!) but I was at her gate waiting with coffee so I did well. We spent the day together, did some shopping (pretty shirt in the picture is evidence) and monument hopping. That and this AWFUL late dinner thing at this french cafe... we had a pizza thingy that was ok and then this meat/bread/cold/overspiced thing that made us both pretty sick! Ick. The next day Mom came to rehearsal with me and Redrum is kind of a death trap. 12 lighting instruments, holes in ceiling and floor, no bathroom in the building, light board with no memory and two faders I slide manually for cues (ignore techy talk, if you don't get it just realize it is old and difficult!), and hot! But she liked what she saw and after that we braved rush hour for the drive to Quantico.

2 Hours later we made it! Ryan shaved his head as per pre deployment tradition and he had that whole Keanu Reeves (ala Matrix) look about him! Friday was parents meeting day. My mom got to meet his mom, Bob, and his grandparents and things went well! We all had dinner (at Sam's again!) in Q-Town and then hung out behind the barracks in typical weekday night style. We had some beers and Ryan and I played horseshoes (I lost 5-3. We were so bad we only played to 5) and sat and talked and smoked. My mom and I stayed a little longer after Ryan's family left which was great for me to spend just a little more time with him. Then the MPs (Military Police) and were checking IDs... then they saw my mom and just laughed and lightened up on the whole thing!

We then went to my mom's friend Suzanne's house for the night since she was local and it was free. It was nice to stay there but I got a little time warped/confused and, well it stunk to have happen. In the morning Ryan called at 11am and said head over whenever since originally we were to be there at 1pm. I also wrote Ryan this long card and got ready and things happened and by the time we got to base it was after 1pm. I thought they were leaving at 9pm but there was a communication mix up and he actually was in formation by 3pm and gone on the busses by 3:30pm. So I only had an hour and a half with him. I felt awful and so incredibly guilty. To top it all off, I love my mom dearly, but she can't be the designated photographer anymore because this is the only front on picture of the both of us. She cut Ryan out almost completly! You can see the tshirt I am wearing, it has the Eagle Globe and Anchor with the words, Is It February Yet? And Mr Dave, Ryan and his room mate Josh's old boss came to send off. He was incredibly sweet and it was very nice to see him again. You could tell he really cared about both of them and he was sad to see them go. And he gave them each a medal for their dog tags which they both promptly put on. I also re-connected with a woman who is a wife of someone Ryan deployed with. Nadia has been keeping me up to date whenever she hears anything so she has been amazing.

Three o'clock came way, way too quickly and before I knew it I was hugging him goodbye.

You can't really see him hugging me back since they were all issued their weapons before send off. But his arm was tightly wrapped around my shoulder and holding me tight. Kissed him goodbye, told him how proud I was of him and I loved him so much and he'd better come home, handed him the letter, and that was it. Said goodbye to Josh as he went towards formation and watched them all stand there. It was like a tease! They were right there and we couldn't hug them or talk to them!

There was a motivational talk and then they were on the busses. I got one last glimpse of him and he was gone....

Man oh man did I bawl. I cried the entire way back to DC. Mom drove. I called Poppy and he talked to me a bit and then Mom took me to a movie to distract me; UP. It was good, a little sad in the beginning but mostly very funny. One line got me teary again, the little boy said, "It may sound boring, but it is the boring things I miss the most." It made me think of Ryan, because it really hit home. It is the little things you miss. The hand holding, the silly jokes, the traditional couple things. We then got some cupcakes in Chinatown and went back to the hotel. It took me ages to finally fall asleep, besides the fact that my mom snores. Like a freight train! I made her take allergy medicine last night but it didn't help too much. Then Nadia called me around 8:45am to tell me she heard from her husband and that they were in Germany. Mom and I had breakfast delivered to the room, we were lazy, and then went to church. In church when they did the intercession for all military personnel I started crying again. I prayed for Ryan, and Josh and Mic and everyone else. There are so many people on this end praying for them and for a safe return. After church we briefly went to my apartment and I checked my email before we left. I was ecstatic to see one from Ryan waiting. He was saying he was in Germany and loved and missed me already. It was soooooo good to hear from him, even if it was just an email. I took Mom to the train station and dropped her off after that.


Then we had our first show. Life in Death. The Fringe festival kind of screwed us, they said in the program our show was Saturday, not Sunday, so we had four people in the audience! No major train wrecks, mostly it was hot and the singers got a bit disorieented and screwed up lyrically towards the end and I battled some hard light cues, but we did it! After the show we all walked around the corner to have a beer and just relax. I talked to Ryan's Mom on the phone for a bit and she told me you were in Iraq probably by now, not Kuwaiit (like originally thought for a few weeks). I had a BLT (with cheese!) and a beer, then went home. Where I had another email waiting! This one said he (and his gear) made it to Iraq. I signed on to facebook and saw he updated his status and I must have missed him by two minutes!!!! I was so sad. But I did have an email so I snapped myself out of it and sent him a nice long one back.

Since being home I uploaded my pictures, read my emails, and updated this. All as my room mate is moving out. Laura left before the 4th weekend and now Jackie is going... so it is just me and Caitlin til the end of the month? Not sure. The past nights were rough. I haven't slept too well and I keep having small moments of panic when I think about it too much. It really is such a long time. It terrifies me. I literally get this electric shock through my body and almost can't breathe when I think about it too much. I try not to. I tell myself I can do this and we can make it. I just wrap myself in the prayer shawl the ministry at church made me (and for Ryan's mom) with each stitch done with a prayer. And I cuddle with Mutsy, my stuffed puppy in Ryan's tshirt that smells like him and I update it with his cologne. Then I can calm down. I can do it. 2 days almost down, a lot to go. Is it next year yet?





I miss him so much.