Long Emails and Cranky Days

So I have obviously been cranky lately. Not sure why. Stress... transition of moving, trying to see family and friends my last week home, Babci's surgery and the effects on my Poppy, and of course just missing Ryan, hit me. I emailed Ryan a long email the other night and once again my reply circulated around a certain type of pictures and I sort of snapped at him in my reply last night. I felt bad an hour later though and emailed him again apologizing saying I am cranky and I was sorry and not to bother reading the other email even. He did though.

Today I was meeting a dear friend of my Mom's and mine, Joan, at the church for lunch. She has become like another grandmother to me over the years but she really cannot leave her house much as her husband has MS pretty badly. So these hour lunches are an escape for her and we do not do them often. I was picking up lunch and meeting them all there at 1pm.

Well as I am leaving Ryan IMs me on facebook chat asking if I had a minute to talk. I said of course! Well it was twenty minutes and I was almost late! Eek! But he kept asking me what was bothering me and what it was about him that was upsetting me. I told him it wasn't him, I am just stressed and having a few bad days, they happen to everyone. But then he wanted details on what specifically he did that bothered me at all and I finally just said the pictures thing was getting to me and it just needed to stop being one of the few things he talks to me about.

I had to go after that and I could tell he wasn't happy about that, but I couldn't blow off Joan and she really only could leave Howard for an hour or so, I had to be there. Ryan then sent me a long email basically saying he was upset that I was upset and he was sorry about the picture things, when he talks to me he tends to think about that and thats what comes out, and that there are always guys around distracting him when he tries to write and he doesn't have a lot of time. I know all that! I am ok with that! I promise! I am just in a bad mood these past few days and I lashed out at the one place I really shouldn't have. He said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and the whole thing had me nearly in tears. I had been distant lately, I seem distracted when we talk, and the last thing he wants is us to grow apart.

I sent him a huge email back. I apologized again. I told him he needs to not worry about me. Everyone has bad days and it isnt his fault. He has to focus on his job and staying alive and not worry about me or be unhappy concerning me. The last few times we talked I was on a crowded train and then running out to lunch, hence the distraction. Then I said my emails got shorter because I now send two or three a day instead of one long one at night. Plus I am in a boring routine now. I get up, pack, clean, meet Mom for lunch, meet a friend for dinner, hang out, and go in the hot tub with my Mom. Not much to say I guess.

I don't know. I am just venting I guess. I miss him so much and I love him more than I thought it was possible to ever love another person. I hope he is ok.

End vent. Thanks for reading if anyone did.