28

Sometimes life takes a sharp, unexpected turn to a place you never expect. It punches you simultaneously in the face and the gut and it is heart wrenching and awful... especially since you really cannot talk about it (or especially blog about).

 

But regardless of such things, life does continue moving forward. Birthdays happen even in the hardest of times and sometimes you just have to put on a sombrero and smile with whipped cream on your nose.

 

I was super fortunate to spend the weekend with my parents in their new house only a few hours away (2 and a half as opposed to the 7 it used to be). I got my nails done with my mom, and went out for Mexican food, and had home made birthday cake. So when you have all that, you really cannot complain.

 

Especially when you realize the restaurant your parents take you too habitually shove that pile of whipped cream in your face on your birthday and you learn sitting inside a booth is the only thing that saved you from that fate... a bit on your nose is totally ok.

 

And it is even better when your Dad agrees to wear the sombrero for a bit.

 

 

We spent time in the pool (salt water!) and the Dup absolutely loved it. If we were in, she had to be in as well, regardless of how tired she was.

 

Sunday I went to church for the first time since before my miscarriage. It helped. It seemed like the priest knew I was there and his homily was so direct to my heart and situation. There are no coincidences was part of the message. He also talked about Stephen Colbert (of all things, as well as JRR Tolkein) who lost his two brothers and father in a plane crash when he was eight years old, which I did not know. Colbert was quoted in an article saying "What she [his mother] taught me is that the deliverance God offers you from pain is not no pain—it’s that the pain is actually a gift." 

 

Pain is a gift. What a powerful message. Thank you.

 

Sunday night we had cake and presents before having to head back home since Ryan had work Monday.

But today I am 28 officially. I am at work, grateful for coworkers who come in on their day off to bring you Dunkin Donuts (thank you Lauren!) and for friends and family blowing up my phone and Facebook to wish me a Happy Birthday.

 

Life will keep moving forward.... just send some good thoughts/prayers my way if you can spare them please. And thank you Lord for another trip around the sun.

Loss

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write this blog. Ryan and I talked about it for awhile and he finally looked at me and said, "Do you think it would help anyone else? Because that is what I think your blog does. It helps people." I thought about that for a bit and I remembered some of the "harder" things I had blogged about. I blogged about two surgeries, when my marriage needed some extra help, the Birthday Ball, PCSing, bullying, deployments, wedding planning, engagement.... and whether someone said it to me directly or in a comment or an email I know they helped others. So maybe this will help someone too. I know I felt pretty alone for some of this and finding some other blogs did help me. I've had my blog for nearly six years now and this is part of our lives... the good and the bad. 

Ok.

I wanted to blog about our fifth wedding anniversary on May 1st. I wanted to blog about Mother's Day.  But I couldn't.... not this year.

Right before our anniversary I had a feeling. I was late. We have been trying to conceive since July with out much luck. My being sick and having surgery probably didn't help matters but when this month rolled around I couldn't help but get excited as the days continued to pass without my monthly visitor arriving. On a whim I went and got a pregnancy test on my way home from work on a night when Ryan was lateman and on the range and wouldn't be home. I had gone with my friend Donna to buy Ryan his anniversary present (we do the traditional gifts if you remember, so year five is wood and he got a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel) and as soon as she left I took the test. 

Not even thirty seconds later it showed positive.

I screamed. I cried. I scared the hell out of the Dup.

Ryan had mentioned me bringing dinner to him so I texted him asking if he wanted me to bring him food. He replied yes and I was pretty thankful. I am awful at keeping secrets and I knew I was about to burst. Ryan had to be the first to know so I couldn't see or talk to anyone else before him! I wanted to do something cute and special but I was on a time crunch. I found an old bracelet box that I wrapped and put the test inside with a special message.

I had to drive almost half an hour to the range where Ryan was and my heart was racing the entire time. I sent him another text saying I really had to talk to him in private about something that happened today. He agreed. I finally got there and sneakily set up my phone on the dashboard to record his reaction. I told Ryan I had an early anniversary present for him and I couldn't keep it a secret. He was really funny saying he didn't even have mine yet and he had been on the range all day and he didn't think he could properly appreciate a present at the moment. I don't have the heart to post the video itself but you can see from the below screen shots he definitely appreciated the present. I was smiling like an idiot and we both probably cried.

We were very excited. We called our parents to tell them the news but decided beyond that we wouldn't start telling people until the right amount of time had passed. Ryan had to mention it to some of his coworkers when he got back in since he was worried and telling them about how we had to have a "talk". We also agreed some of our best friends could know too. I hung out with Ryan for awhile longer before heading back home and calling my best friend Sam to tell her the long awaited news. As I was on the phone the Dup promptly hopped up on the bed with me and snuggled in on my belly.... something she hasn't done in ages.

For a very, very short time.... things were perfect.

On our fifth anniversary I woke up feeling ok, but kind of crampy. I didn't really think anything of it and I called the Naval Hospital to talk to my PCM about what to do next. They told me just to head in to the lab that day and we'd go from there. Ryan got home after I got out of the shower and we started discussing what to do for our anniversary. My stomach was starting to cramp more and more and I started to feel a little nervous. I went to the bathroom and saw a little blood and my heart stopped.

I called my mom in a panic. Was I overreacting? Was this normal? She told me to call my doctor.

I called my PCM back, choking back tears, and asked what to do. After being passed around they gave me to a nurse who had had implantation bleeding and they wanted to make sure she was the one I spoke with. I described everything and she told me not to panic and to come in and do my test as planned. She also told me other symptoms to look for if things weren't good. Ryan had to go do a height and weight thing and take a MarineNet class and we agreed to meet up after I went to the lab. When I got to the Naval Hospital I went to the lab and they handed me a cup to give a sample. I went back into the rest room and my heart basically stopped. So much blood... it scared the hell out of me. I couldn't give a sample, all that was coming out was blood and clots and it was bright red.... the color the nurse warned me wouldn't be a good sign. I came out of the bathroom shaking and crying and the technicians walked me straight to the Emergency Room.

Not where I expected to be on my fifth wedding anniversary.

In the ER things were nuts for a bit. I finally managed to give them a sample, but it was basically red. They took blood samples and my vitals and it was a lot of waiting. I texted Ryan and he told me he was on his way and he arrived just as the doctor came in to talk to me. Based on some of the tests they knew I was pregnant, but early.... but they weren't sure if it was just a regular pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy, or a miscarriage. An ultrasound showed my lining looked pregnant, but it was too soon to see if anything was there or had been there. They also did a vaginal ultrasound to try and rule out an ectopic pregnancy since I was in pain. Naturally in between all of these there was the endless waiting of the Emergency Room. Ryan crawled in to the bed with me and held me as I cried since I was so terrified. We nodded off for a bit too before all the tests came back... inconclusive. After hours and hours.

My doctor was wonderful. He had me at ease as much as can be but I was still a crying mess, but he was great. He scheduled me a follow up for that Wednesday. He basically said if my blood work went up (my HCG) then I was still pregnant, but if it stayed the same or dropped it would indicate a miscarriage. So with a follow up appointment and prescriptions for Tylenol, prenatal vitamins and zofran, we were finally on our way. Since we took separate cars I got in mine to drive home. I hadn't eaten all day so I stopped at Panera to get some soup at the drive thru. As soon as the bag got in the car and the smell hit my nose, my stomach turned and I felt sick. I drove home with all the windows open while secretly thinking, ok, this can be a good thing. Maybe it means I am still pregnant. And then I got home and threw up just in time for Ryan to walk in the door. Poor guy. I got into bed with some medicine and a movie and essentially napped the rest of the day. I had an ice pop for dinner and then we went to bed by 8:30.

I worked the weekend. I was off Monday. I cleaned and grocery shopped. I worked Tuesday. All along I took my prenatal vitamins. I bled for another day or so, but it got lighter in flow and darker in color. All good signs. By Wednesday I was hopeful when I went for my appointment in the lab to get blood drawn.

My arm did not agree with all the needles. It is still bruised and multi colored weeks later. Ryan had duty Wednesday but he asked me if I was ok to go alone. I was. I honestly thought deep down things were going to be ok so I didn't feel the need to have someone with me. I had prayed... our parents and my best friend were sending good vibes and thoughts and prayers. I thought I was still pregnant and around New Year's Eve (my estimated due date) we'd have a baby joining us for the New Year. My appointment with the OBGYN wasn't for two hours so I went home, showered and then headed back to the hospital for my appointment before I was supposed to go to work a closing shift.

Waiting in the waiting room my heart was racing. Women in various stages of pregnancy were all around me and I kept getting that small spark of hope. The nurse finally took me back and we went over everything waiting for the doctor to come out of surgery to see me. She eventually came in and looked at my blood results.

They were down to 5. Pregnancy is detected at 25 and up. I had dropped a lot. I had lost the baby.

A miscarriage.

Even typing the words makes me start to cry again.

The flood gates opened in the doctors office as they handed me the box of tissues. I had to do another ultrasound (of course vaginally) to double check and they said most of the lining even was gone from comparing to five days ago. Everything basically had already passed and she told me I may continue to spot for awhile but it was almost over.

I basically miscarried on our fifth anniversary. I just wasn't sure until five days later.

The doctor was very kind and I basically sobbed my heart out. Both the OBGYN and the ER doctor told me it was nothing I had done, it was probably due to a chromosome abnormality and something was not right so my body naturally passed it. There was nothing I could have done differently... it wasn't my fault. Logically I understood it all... I really did. But emotionally I didn't want to hear it and continued to cry. The doctor offered to call my husband's command to release him or to write notes for us both and I declined. I left and got myself outside and called Ryan to deliver the awful news. My husband had to hear I lost the baby on the phone and I felt awful for him as I sobbed. He told me to get to the car and stay, he was on the way. Duty be darned. I texted my mom and my mother in law and my best friend... I couldn't say it out loud again at that point. I was devastated.

I sat in the car and sobbed until Ryan arrived. He held me and told me again it wasn't my fault. It was ok. I was due to go in to work but I knew I couldn't make it through the day. Ryan got a call from his CO and was told to finish one thing and then to go home with me. I decided to drive over to the library to talk to my manager and see if I could go home. I calmed myself a bit and drove up to the library. I know I could have called but again, I didn't want to be on the phone either. And I wasn't sure we were covered staff wise either. 

I got to work and to the reference office and my boss wasn't there. Standing in the back hallway looking around like a trapped animal my good friend from work, Jo, saw me. She asked me if I was ok and I shook my head no. I told her I lost it not even realizing she had no idea what I was talking about. She figured it out pretty quickly as I once again sobbed my heart out, not realizing I still had tears left. We sat in the office as my manager came in and filled her in. My manager Tara is wonderful and she and Jo listened as I cried and tried to calm me as I waited to hear if Ryan could go home. I was told to take the day off, we were covered, and I was so thankful for the two of them so I didn't have to be alone. They both asked me why I went to that appointment alone and I told them... I honestly thought it would be the opposite outcome. I truly thought I would be still pregnant and ok. I stayed at work, crying with them, for maybe an hour before Ryan was dismissed. I drove home still in tears.

Most of that day I sat with Ryan on the couch and cried. And as unhealthy as it was, drank. I had a few beers as I sat there alternating between numb and sobbing my heart out. I don't really remember what else happened that day... if we watched tv or what we ate or anything. It all was in a haze. I talked to my mom, Ryan talked to his. I cried a lot. I didn't go to work the next day, Thursday, either. Ryan had to go back to work that second day and I stayed home and cried off and on some more. He dragged me out of the house that night for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings just to distract me a bit, which I appreciate more now than I did at the time.

Ryan was worried for a bit when I said I was angry too... angry at myself, angry at the situation, angry at God even though I knew it was wrong. Sometimes it is just easier to want to place blame. I was angry at the one person who asked me if I had done anything strenuous to cause it, or if I was still on pain medication for something (and the answer was NO to both). I was angry at the one ER nurse who said "Oh don't worry honey, it was only a bunch of cells anyway. If you did lose it, it wasn't a baby." (Note: I am Catholic and we believe life begins at conception... that is my personal belief and I will not impose it on anyone else or make anyone else believe what I do... but wrong thing to say to me.) I was thankful Ryan saw my reaction and held me tightly, in a discreet way, so I didn't punch either of them. 

Anger, hurt, guilt, sadness, devastation, mourning, loss, pain, heartache... hitting over and over again.

My heart still hurts. Occasionally I still cry at the drop of a hat or get hit with waves of sadness. That's the hardest. The hormones make it difficult as I go through the waves of sadness or anger. Friends, family and neighbors have reached out and made me feel loved. Some days are harder than others. Mother's Day I had to work but I fought back waves of bitterness and sadness all day.

I know we can try again. I know this doesn't mean it will happen again... I can have a perfectly healthy and normal pregnancy someday as far as the doctors are concerned. But there is always that chance... what if? What if this happens again? To be honest I do not know if my heart could handle it. I have friends and family members who have had multiple miscarriages and I cannot imagine going through this again and again.

I know it won't always hurt like this. I know it will get less painful and less difficult. But our wedding anniversary will now be tied to this loss. Maybe it won't always hurt this badly, but I will think of it. New Years Eve, my due date, will have these thoughts crossing my mind again. It hurts. I still hate those thoughts that go into my head.  

I lost it. I am not pregnant anymore. I had a miscarriage. I lost my baby.

Ryan told me he tries to see the good in every situation. When situation A happened, situation B was able to... and it couldn't have had the first not occurred. But I cannot see any situation that makes losing a child ok. No good can come out of that. Even if and when we get pregnant again, it will not be a joy replacing a sorrow... it will be something separate. Yes it would be wonderful, but it is apples and oranges to me. I cannot see any possible good and I am trying so hard. I know this is where my faith comes in to play and I am trying to leave my heart open to grace at the moment. I am trying to let go of the anger and the bitterness. I am trying to heal. Even though physically I now feel ok, mentally and emotionally it is much slower going.

So, maybe this will help someone someday. Maybe you will see you are not alone, even though you feel like you may be. The hurt, the guilt, the anger, the pain and everything in between... I feel it too. If you found this because of a google search or anything, I am so sorry. I know nothing I can write here will help really, believe me, I know, but maybe it is a start. To any of my friends or family reading this and finding out the news this way, I am sorry I didn't tell you directly... it has been too hard for me to talk about out loud. I know my mom has handled telling some family for me, but I do not know for sure. I told her it was ok to mention it since I just am not up for it yet. Writing this has helped a bit (as all over of the place it is), sort of a catharsis, but I have a long way to go.

Dippy

Last night my first pet, our family dog, Princess Diana XII aka Dippy crossed the Rainbow Bridge. She was my mom's birthday gift 13 years ago and has been an important family member ever since. I remember they got her when I was away at sleep away camp and they were going to surprise me with the fact that she was already home and waiting for us... but my brother Stefan was about four and couldn't keep his mouth shut! We were barely in the car five minutes and he whispered, "Allie... Allie... we got a dog!" When I got home the cutest, fluffy ball of fur was waiting, she looked like a little teddy bear.

 

Puppy Dippy... she was so tiny! I was about 14.

She was a perfect family dog. She was endlessly patient with my brother who would tug on her tail and climb all over her like little boys do. She had tons of energy to run around in the backyard. She was good on guard, letting us know when deer were in the yard. I had many nicknames for her... none of us ever called her Princess or her full name of Princess Diana, that was all my mom's doing by the way, her birthday present her name choice. At the time I told her she officially ruined my chances with Prince William and Prince Harry since I could never casually mention my mom named our dog after their mother..... sigh. So yes, many nicknames... Dippy being the most common. Others were Dip, Dipster, Diana Marie Jones, Diana Suzanna from Louisiana and Doo Da Bee.

 

My high school graduation day... man I look awkward

She loved people and hated stairs. Our house was a split level, so essentially you came in the front door and could go up stairs to the main part of the house or down stairs to the family room and extra kitchen. Dippy never went down those stairs, even as a puppy. Especially after the mean trainer tried to drag her down. She would stand at the top of the stairs and cry, wagging her whole body. As a puppy she would pee from excitement so we'd usually put her on the deck when we knew people were coming. She'd also bring you a toy... or the remote or a shoe or whatever she could reach. We used to joke that if someone broke in she'd bring them the silverware.

"Family photo"

As she got older, she calmed down a bit. She would sneak onto the couch when we weren't home and hop down as soon as she heard the garage door open. As she got older she stopped caring if we caught her and would leisurely stretch and take her time getting off the couch after she was caught.

Every Christmas she would shred our wrapping paper to bits, she never ate it, just tore it up!

When my parents traveled she either went with them or stayed with my grandparents, she never went to a kennel. It probably would have broken her heart! She would do ten or twelve hours in the car without batting an eyelid. At the vet she was always gentle and never flinched when they took blood or gave her a shot. The nurses and vet loved it when she came in. She always slept in the bathroom, usually right next to the toilet or bathtub where it was cool... otherwise she was inbetween all our bedrooms in the hall, right in the middle of us all. I'd get home from school and my mom would get home from work and we'd all sit on my parent's bed and have girl time and chat about the day. Dippy also slept there any time my dad was not home.

Dippy LOVED the snow

 

After making "puppy angels" as we called her snow art work

On my wedding day she was underfoot and loving everyone. It was fantastic. Especially with her big white bow.

My wedding day

 

When they moved to North Carolina her age caught up with her a bit... her golden fur became like a lion's mane. We used to tease that she was chubby but she slimmed into an old lady dog. She met her niece, our Dup Dup, and was thoroughly annoyed by her presence and barked at her a lot. But they tolerated each other!

Being bugged by her "niece" the Dup Dup

Last week she just declined. She stopped wanting to get up, wouldn't really eat or drink... and my mom knew it was time. So last night my family took her to the vet and my mom was with her as she crossed the rainbow bridge. I cried when I got the text telling me but I know she is in a better place. Even Pope Francis agrees. Rest in peace "little sister"... I miss you already.

 

The Accident

 

I have gone back and forth about whether or not I wanted to blog about this... I eventually came to the decision that to be true to this blog (which is about my life, marriage, and me) it is something that happened and I can do it and be done with it. Mostly. I will not discuss the details since the investigation and evertrhing is still pending but the basics can be known.

 

Labor Day Weekend was going to be a big weekend out for Ryan and I. His SDA starts at the end of September (something else I have yet to blog about) and I am currently cast in another show (ditto to previous parentheses) so we knew we would be entering a chaotic time and wanted to use this long weekend to spend time together. We had plans to go places in North Carolina we haven't visited yet and just spend it working on our relationship and stockpiling the joy for later use. Friday night after I got home from work we decided to go out for a drink, play some pool and then call it an early night... which we did. Saturday we wanted to wake up early and hit the road. Neither of us set an alarm and we woke up later than we planned, around ten am.

 

We got up, got dressed, packed a bag and got in the truck to drive about an hour to our first planned day trip, Fort Macon State Park. Well, we never made it to the state park. On our way we had a rather awful car accident that left our truck totaled, another truck damaged, and a car slightly damaged. We were the most hurt out of everyone and we were fortunate that our injuries were not severe. Looking at the truck at the accident and at the storage place later I cannot believe we walked away as unhurt as we did. Ryan's arm wen't through the driver's side window and left cuts up and down his left arm. The airbag burned his wrist (friction burn) and nearly cut his other arm. His toe was jammed/possibly broken and his leg was bruised. All of my injuries came from the airbag or the seat belt, which both did their jobs and saved our lives. Both my knees were badly bruised from the airbag deploying and the cover whacking into me, and my seatbelt left a string of bruises across my stomach, chest and shoulder.

 

But, like I said, we are so lucky that we walked away with just minor injuries. I debated posting the pictures of our truck but I will, just so I remember how awful this accident was and how lucky Ryan and I truly are.

 

At the scene.

At the storage facility later on.

Some of you may know this truck once belonged to Ryan's grandfather. After he passed away we purchased the truck from his grandmother. Ryan was very, very proud of this truck and took really good care of it and this accident was awful in every way, but adding the fact that it was his grandfather's truck on top of it all really hurt. I am convinced we had a special guardian angel watching over us.

 

My friend Donna picked us up after the accident, which I am very grateful for, and took us home. The rest of the day was spent mostly on the couch, icing our bruises and watching Star Wars.

 

 

One of the few strokes of luck we did have was that my parents happened to be nearby when this all happened. They decided to take a random, last minute trip to the beach for the weekend and we were able to meet up with them for dinner that evening. Ryan and I made sure we both took a turn getting into a vehicle and driving again even though we were a bundle of nerves. My parents offered to let us keep their minivan (since they have four cars for three people at home, the van has been kept for long road trips basically) until we get a new vehicle. We agreed and my parents rented a car to drive home Monday... a red Mustang that went my parents pulled up to meet my brother had him green with envy!

 

 

 Sunday we decided to go to the ER on base to get checked out... and by we decided I mean Ryan had to for work and said if he was getting checked out I had to be as well. It was a long, long visit, nearly seven hours but we both checked out alright. We had to be seen in separate rooms but we passed the time texting eachother, watching TV (Alton Brown and then Indiana Jones) until we got to be sent home.

I never knew how sore you could feel after a car accident. Sunday, when we woke up, my entire body ached. It felt like I had done a strenuous, full body workout the day before... every muscle and joint was just aching. Ryan and I were limping around for a few days following the accident as our bodies turned multi colored from our various bruises.

My big seatbelt bruise

Like I mentioned, we were very very lucky to walk away in the state we did. I have never been in an accident like this before and it was the loudest, most terrifying thing. We knew it was happening and there was nothing to be done at the time to stop it. All I could do was close my eyes and hold my breath and pray in my head until it was over. Our weekend did not turn out at all like we expected. Since then it has been nothing but talking to insurance companies, figuring out our next steps, looking for another vehicle, and waiting to see what the next step is. Our nerves our frayed and our tempers are a bit shorter than usual, but we will get through this. This too shall pass.

Thank you to everyone who checked in with us, asked if we were alright, and sent good karma and prayers in our direction. We really, really appreciate it.

Loss of a Legend

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." - Robin Williams

The only souvenier I asked for on my family trip to Disney that now hangs in our guest room.

Robin Williams has been my favorite actor for my entire life. People have poked fun at me for it (never in a mean way) about how he was always my top of the heap favorite, but I know I am not alone (based on the social media take over alone). The world lost a wonderful, talented man yesterday. I am not going to lie, I cried when I heard he passed away. My entire life I dreamed of meeting him, and my top actor dream of actually acting with him, will now never be realized. This brilliant man had demons darker than any of us knew and is now no longer with us. His wife is a widow and his children are without their father... and it breaks my heart.

 

On acting: "All the new people you meet, it's pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful."

I remember being young, really young, and begging my mom to let me stay up for another episode of Mork & Mindy. She usually obliged for at least one episode and rolled her eyes more than once as I Nanu Nanu'd along with my favorite alien. One of the first movies I saw in a movie theatre was Aladdin, and I was ecstatic when my mom told me the Genie was the same voice as Mork.

That love always stayed.

From Mrs. Doubtfire (a movie that practically defined childhood for my generation) to Flubber to the serious movies... Jakob the Liar (being one of the most underrated in my opinion), Good Will Hunting and What Dreams May Come... his performances was awe inspiring and captivating. Dark or light, serious or comedic, he had a presence that was undeniable to even someone like me on the other side of the screen. Buzzfeed highlighted some good performances in this article too. He also was a huge supporter of our military and his USO shows were legendary. He has even been referred to as the Bob Hope of our generation for his work with the USO. The military community is even reeling from the loss.



Source

Yesterday I was watching TV when my friend Donna texted me the news. I gasped out loud, probably scaring Ryan a bit, and googled it. It was popping up everywhere. He was gone, suicide.

"You have an internal critic, an internal drive that says, `OK, you can do more.' Maybe that's what keeps you going," Williams said. "Maybe that's a demon. ... Some people say, `It's a muse.' No, it's not a muse! It's a demon! DO IT YOU BASTARD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE LITTLE DEMON!!"

His demons won out. His struggles with addiction and depression were not a secret, they've been a source of contention for him for years, and he spoke about them quite a bit. But I don't think anyone saw this coming. My adoration is well known in my family and friends so I had people texting me and facebooking me to check in and see how I was doing. Seriously.

Source    

Hollywood has lost some great talent in my lifetime, but none hit me as hard as this. I know it is silly to mourn for someone you have never met, but this man has made a huge impact on my life, both personally and as an actor. His talent is awe inspiring and no one will probably ever be able to come close to replicating it. It may be silly for me to dedicate an entire blog entry to this, but it's my blog, I'll do what I want. It feels like an extended uncle four times removed has died... someone who helped shape my childhood and my love of acting... and it sucks.

Source

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

But O heart! heart! heart!

O the bleeding drops of red,

Where on the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

 

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

Here Captain! dear father!

The arm beneath your head!

It is some dream that on the deck,

You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

But I with mournful tread,

Walk the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

Walt Whitman

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Observations

As many of you know I work at the base library. With my new job at reference I am interacting with hundreds of Marines daily.... literally. Then I go home to my Marine (he's my favorite for sure, I am definitely biased there) and life is good. Being it is a library there is a wide variety of Marines, all ranks and jobs and the like doing everything from printing leave requests to MarineNet classes to research papers. Sometimes I complain about being tied to the desk at the "computer" person (usually the first half or more of my shift) but I do love interacting with the Marines and I do enjoy helping them the rare times they need assistance with research or databases.

Since the sleeves went back to being rolled this year I've also noticed a certain accessory a lot of the Marines seem to be wearing these days...

Picture from this link via the AP

The KIA bracelets.

Maybe with the winter cammies and the sleeves down it never caught my eye as much... but with the rolled sleeves and the summer weather I cannot tell you all how many I see a day.

And to be honest that breaks my heart.

These Marines, easily from 18-50, have seen and done so much these past ten years. So many have lost collegues, friends, and brothers/sisters to the point that I can barely track how many I see each day... and those are only for the ones who wear a bracelet... I know plenty do not.

So although we hear in the media "the war is over" we all know the truth. If you have some extra thoughts to spare send it for these Marines. It is a rainy, cloudy morning here in North Carolina and the three hours I have been on the desk so far I have counted 43 bracelets and it is making me a little sad.

That's all.

Easter 2014

Happy Easter!

For the first time I can remember I am working on Easter Sunday. It has been extremely quiet here at the library, but we have had patrons... at least 30-40 have been in throughout the day. Most people were just using the computers to print something out but it has been extremely quiet at the circulation desk. I have caught up on a lot of projects, practiced for my interview Tuesday, and cleared the carts of books we had up here. It is definitely different from a usual weekend here! I also had a very interesting lecture by an elderly gentleman about Crucifixion. I suppose wearing my Catholic University hoodie sort of set me up for that one...

Last night Ryan and I attended the Easter Vigil service. Usually it is my favorite mass of the year. I love watching the chuch flicker in candle light, hearing the Genesis readings, the gorgeous music and people entering the church for the first time through baptism or confirmation. I was spoiled growing up in a beautiful and welcoming church. My mom was our parish secretary and I knew almost everyone. I was a lector (reader) at mass from my teenage years through adulthood and I altar served and sang in the choir as a kid. It is the church I made my first communion, reconciliation, confirmation and got married in. It was home. I don't think I will ever feel so connected to a parish again, I hope I will, but I have yet to find it. Neither Virginia nor North Carolina have yet. At all.

The vigil service was long, I mean way longer than normal, nearly three hours. The music was alright but most of it unfamiliar... a reading was read twice and one was skipped (hey, I pay attention!) and Ryan and I were both starving by the end. The most beautiful part for me was the RCIA candidates. We had ten... ten.... people baptized into the church ranging from 6 to 60 years old. It was beautiful! Plus another seven on top of that received first communion and confirmation... seventeen people solidified their faith last night in my presence and I cried tears of joy witnessing it. Like I said, beautiful. But I was also homesick for the church I grew up in and missing the familiar as well as my family. I missed having a small reception with my church of cookies and other things late in the evening after the vigil... a trip to Buffalo Wild Wings isn't usually the most Easter-y of celebrations! I miss kielbasa and pierogies (even though there may be some in my freezer from Babci... hm... I'll have to check that out).

This is the first Easter I have spent without my parents and brother. Working this weekend made the trip impossible for either of us. I know I am an adult and married, but when your whole life centers around some traditions and familiarity it is hard to let go sometimes. This was the one holiday we always managed to make work, even since I have been married... but not this year. I know, one of many in my future, but it is still a little sad. I am so grateful Ryan made pisanki with me and accompanied me to mass (especially since he isn't Catholic, I know it isn't a walk in the park for him) and I appreciate it so much.

My heart is just a little heavier this year during a time it is usually flying and singing. I love Easter, what it means in my faith and family, but this year it is just hovering a little lower.

I didn't intend to sound so gloomy and down in this post, my apologies. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter (if you celebrate).

Reality

I know I have a lot to blog about. A huge, wonderful trip of a lifetime through Europe with my husband.

But when we landed in Phili I had a text from my mom to call her. When we got our baggage going through customs I called and heard my aunt had entered hospice and wasn't doing well. I debated staying in Phili but my mom told me to go home as there was no telling how much time was left. I sobbed my eyes out but flew home. 

Last night at 10pm my brave, amazing aunt Joan lost her hard fought battle with cancer. I'll be flying to New Jersey soon to be with my family. My husband unfortunately can't take leave again so soon after an extended period so I'll be going alone. 

Please pray for my family. For my cousins who lost their mother too young, my uncle who lost his wife, my mom who lost her sister and my grandparents who in their 80s and 90s have to bury their child. For my cousins and my brother who lost his godmother. For an amazing woman who has gone way too soon. 

Love ya Aunt Joan. Rest in Peace. 

Winners and a bit else...

Congratulations!!! Ladies, send me an email with your address and your prizes shall arrive shortly. The top winner wins the Emulsion Pens and the bottom winner wins the Daisies.

Thank you to all who entered.... expect another give away very soon!

Also, just an update. Although my parents do not live in New Jersey anymore they still own our house (it is currently being rented). Today my dad sent me the pictures of the storm and damage and it broke my heart. I know it isn't as bad as it could be, but seeing all the trees I grew up with lying flat and our barn hit plus our roof damaged.... well it wasn't a great email to receive.

Luckily no one was hurt and everything of course can be repaired. In the top right picture of the collage you can see the tarp covering the roof which was exactly over my old room and my parents' old room. Sigh. I hope everyone up north is safe and recovering and gets power back soon!

Also, this is my 600th post. Crazy.

Enjoy your Halloween, stay safe!

Aimless. Wordless.

Ever have the every day trivial things just overwhelm you?

Have you ever wanted to throw your routine in the air, set it on fire, and start over?

Or maybe do something out there and crazy, just because?

I feel a little aimless lately. Job worries, household duties, cooking, rehearsal... just turned 25. Quarter life crisis much? At times I am bursting at the seams to go out and do something new, try something, take a risk. Other times I want to hide under our bed and not leave the house.

I never had anxiety issues before but sometimes even just driving to the store I want to cry and run back home. Being in our house for four months and not having a routine where I would leave it often has made me too attached. It is my security blanket. And when I am home sometimes I want to claw the walls and get out, do something.... but then I feel like I can't breathe and I just want to race back.

Not always. It comes and goes.

Ballet has helped. Rehearsal has helped.

But I feel a little lost. Without purpose. I haven't been unemployed this long since I started working as a young teen. Babysitting to after school care to theatre camps and camp counselor to retail to theatre to assistant pharmacist to camp counselor again and then my last job in executive real estate.

Here I am not qualified for things because I only answered the phone for two years instead of three. Nothing else would excite or make me happy.... retail, restaurants, call centers.... long hours of nights and weekends away from my husband for what? More money? We pay our bills, we still go out to eat occassionally.... the drive isn't there as much as it once was.

My blog has suffered. I am lucky if I blog once a week these days when it used to be constant and wonderful. I haven't written for SpouseBUZZ in months because I don't know what to say. What advice can a stay at home wife offer to these spouses who need help when she can barely help herself?

I love my husband and I feel like I am letting him down.

I feel like I am in a rut sometimes and it scares the heck out of me.

I may be...

A tad "homesick".

Maybe it is because Ryan is in the field and I am by myself.

Maybe it is because I haven't found a job, or gotten to really make friends yet.

Maybe it is because I have talked more to my dog today than any other human.

Maybe it is because it rained all day. And will all week if the forecast is correct.

I miss Alexandria. I miss Old Town. I miss DC. I miss my friends. I miss my job. I miss cobblestones and brick and long walks with gorgeous row homes.

 

I know it takes time. I know it has only been a month. But tonight I am lonely and sad and I can gripe here because it is my blog. I will keep trying... I know in a few months I will find my stride. It just isn't happening tonight.