In Their Boots/Jane Wayne

The first Saturday in June SOI-E held am "In Their Boots Day" or what was formerly known as a "Jane Wayne Day". I've always wanted to go to one of these and I was pretty excited when I heard I finally would be able to go to one! Ryan's old unit held one when we first moved to North Carolina but we didn't hear about it until it was too late and I was unable to attend. Even though Ryan was mid cycle he was told he should be able to join me, so I signed up. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, it is basically like "Take Your Child to Work Day" but for military spouses and children... except maybe a little more geared towards spouses for the most part as you do have to be 18 to go to the rifle range.

So that is how I found myself getting up earlier on a Saturday morning than I do normally on work days when I open! By 7am I was on base signed in and ready to go. Ryan's friend Mark, also a Combat Instructor, had his girlfriend Kayla sign up as well and I was thankful for a familiar face.... especially since Ryan got held up at work and ended up not able to meet up with me. I thanked Mark and Kayla profusely for letting me be their third wheel, and to Mark for taking so many pictures and carrying our bags for us!

Our first stop was the rifle range. My husband has talked about rifle ranges since our dating days so I was pretty stoked to be able to finally do one. They had everything set up for us and we basically just had to lie there and shoot!

We were given flak jackets and kevlar as well as ear and eye pro... I think we did pretty well but Ryan made fun of me when he saw the picture. Apparently my kevlar was crooked. We had to wear long sleeved shirts, pants and closed shoes for the range so I was glad it was done early in the morning before the day got too hot. I know my husband will be on the range for hours and come home hot, sweaty and exhausted with interesting tan lines, so our one hour in the early morning suited me just fine.

We were only given fifteen rounds and I was proud of myself for hitting targets on the 50, 250 and 500 yard line! If I had know the "score" they were tracking was just based on hitting the targets in general versus the distance I probably would have stuck with the closer one! :P I won't share my score but I will say that I hit three on the 500 yard line!

After the range we took the bus back to base and got to try all the other activities, including a night vision goggle obstacle course and the ISMIT. The ISMIT is basically a simulator that they do rather than a live fire range. Above I am using the grenade launcher and below the 50 cal. machine gun. The grenade launcher was a ton of fun and the whole thing shook back and forth, it was crazy powerful! The .50 cal rattled me around a bit too!

We also got decked out again to ride in a Light Armored Vehicle, or LAV, which made my husband jealous as he even said he's never gotten to ride in one! 

That LAV went fast too! Kayla and I were standing in the back (we decided to be good grown ups and let the ten year old kid take the gun turret) and we had to hold on to keep from falling off our perches as we flew around the turns!

They also landed some helicopters in a nearby field that we were allowed to get on and explore.

I got to sit in a Huey! It was a tight squeeze, not gonna lie. No wonder they have height restrictions for pilots! When we explored the CH 53-E I nearly wiped out three different times since the floor was slick with hydraulic fluid and my sneakers have basically no grip. The crew at least got a good laugh out of me, happy to help!

"Get to the choppa!"

I had a wonderful time and I am so thankful SOI-E went out of their way to plan such a fun event for the families. We all received t-shirts, SOI-E canvas bags, and Jane Wayne day dog tags too. I had a blast and even though I was bummed Ryan couldn't make it I was grateful Kayla and Mark kept me company. If you ever get the opportunity to attend an "In Their Boots Day" go for it!!

Tune Ups

I have never been one to air dirty laundry on my blog. Most bloggers I know don't. Our blogs are a place where our lives tend to be a little more glossy sheen than chaos. Occassionally people will write about a frustration or two, but I usually will not write about arguments or difficulties. One, it is not something I wish my blog to focus on, and two, it is out of respect for the relationships I do have. That being said, this particular entry is one I have wanted to write for awhile, and everything I mention here has been something my husband and I have both said we are comfortable disclosing.

Marriage Counseling.

We agreed years ago, back when we were newlyweds, if one of us (did not matter which one) ever wanted counseling then we would go... no questions asked, no stalling. We had one time a year or so ago where one of us mentioned it and we looked in to going, but then we managed to regain our footing and never actually went. Or so we thought. The past year or so have been hard for us. Last year Ryan came back from Afghanistan and we jumped right into the holidays. Immediately after that we went out our trip to Europe and as soon as we returned my aunt passed away and I flew to New Jersey. The day after I returned from her funeral I was thrown in rehearsals for a show I had been cast in. So we went from living apart with the deployment, to reintigration that never really had a chance to take and by the time we were both on normal schedules again it was summer practically and Ryan was putting in for his SDA. Then I had another show as Ryan started school for his SDA.... and we both just realized we were fighting a lot and were both pretty unhappy overall. After a particularly large (amd stupid) fight over something insignificant we decided we wanted to go to counseling.

Ryan instantly made a phone call to Military OneSource. Military OneSource offers active duty, reservists on active status, and National Guard members and their families twelve free, non medical, face-to-face counseling sessions with a professional in your area. We had an appointment with a counselor for the next day with that one call. Even making the appointment we felt better and had what felt like our first real discussion in a long time. That was when we realized we both were unhappy... not unhappy that we were married or together, but overall the general feeling of this could be better. This has been better.

We went in to our first session with a little bit of unease, but our counselor got us to talk. Then we had one of our small fights. And he let us. We were on opposite ends of the couch going back and forth jumping from topic to topic when our counselor said something that seems so incredibly obvious, but until we heard it, it never occurred for a moment.

"Is this how you speak to someone you love?"

No. No it isn't.

When we had those stupid arguments, and lord knows we had them a lot, we were both just trying to be heard. It wasn't about the sweet potato or the volume on the tv (seriously), it was wanting our spouse to hear us. We always were the type to bicker, both our parents independently nicknamed us "the Bickersons", but lately it had been so much more than that.

Once we heard that, we began to make a more conscious effort to really hear one another, and talk to each other the way we wanted to be talked to. It sounds so simple when I type it, but it was something that in our frustrations we were missing. We both were overly frustrated to the point where we felt like we weren't being heard and all we did was make our voices louder and louder with effort to be heard. But when someone yells usually the knee jerk response is to stop listening anyway... it is a vicious cycle we were stuck in for sure.

If we are arguing it becomes about winning... and in order for one of us to win one of us has to lose. And marriage shouldn't be about winning and losing. We are on the same team. If one of us loses then we both lose.

Our counselor told us around the five year mark is where a lot of marriages will stumble or falter... it is totally normal. He told us that we both drive cars and every 3,000 or 5,000 miles we need an oil change, right? Well, this is our oil change. We hit so many miles in our marriage and just needed a tune up. We needed to hear some things we had forgotten. After many years together it is easy to fall into a rut or a bad routine or habit, and sometimes you just need someone to nudge you onto the right track again.

After a little more than six or seven sessions there was a remarkable improvement. Heck, after our first session there was improvement! Our counselor recommended a certain book for us, and I am kind of embarassed to say we had a copy already and once we started reading it, it helped. Seriously. We have had more meaningful, real conversations in the past two months than in the whole last year combined probably. We were making the effort to really hear one another again. In our last session, before Ryan started his SDA, we watched a DVD our counselor recommended. During the DVD Ryan had his arm around me and I held his hand. We all noticed how different it was from our first session when we were as far apart as possible on opposite ends of the couch.

Even though it hasn't been long, we are so much happier already. We communicate better... we hear each other more... and we have slowly started eliminating bad habits we formed together. We take responsiblity for our own actions and behaviors, we try and help each other when we have bad days, and we both love each other enough to fight for our marriage. We were never on the verge of divorce or anything, but we knew that our marriage could be better because it had been before. Once the newlywed glow fades and time goes on it is easy to forget you have to check in with one another. This SDA is not going to be easy, and we knew that going in to it, so we both felt very relieved that we were able to reconnect on this level before it started. We plan on going back for another session when his first training cycle is over, but just to check in. We already know we are on a better path at this point and have the tools to keep moving forward.

This isn't a quick fix. Your car still will always need an oil change after so many miles, but at least now we have the tools to do it ourselves next time. And if we keep up the regular maintenance, we will have less problems later.

If you are in a similar situation and a military couple, I highly recommend using these sessions from Military OneSource. Even if you aren't military, some insurances cover counseling for a certain amount of sessions. I am glad we did. And if blogging about it helps anyone else, than the point of writing this has been achieved. I blog to chronicle our lives, sure, but also to help other military spouses who find my blog randomly or who are even regular readers. So there you go... someone else who has been there in some capacity. Every couple has issues and every couple needs a tune up now and then. Go for it. As always, feel free to comment or email me if you have any other questions that I may be able to help with.

Thanks for reading.



PS - This is a non sponsored post and all opinions are my own. Military OneSource is a great resource that we happily used, but they are in no way responsible for the content of this post. Same with the book review on amazon, purely my own opinion.

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

To all the wonderful Military Spouses out there, I just wanted to say thank you. To my blogging friends, thank you for getting me through some of my lowest lows and celebrating my highest highs. To my real life military spouse friends, thanks for the drinks, the movie nights and the general gripe sessions you've endured at my side. I never realized when I met my husband that being a "military spouse" would become a part of my identity, but it has. Now, don't get me wrong, I take no credit for anything my husband does... he does his job and he does it damn well. I am proud of him and his accomplishments... and that is what they are. His. But I am proud to be on this journey with him.

Sometimes that means spending a holiday or a birthday or anniversary alone. Sometimes that means going to Walmart at midnight to get baby wipes so he can "shower" in the field. Sometimes it means living 3,000 miles apart for nine months while he goes to school and you hold down your "good" job and save money to buy your first house. Sometimes it means a tearful goodbye knowing he is deploying for the next 6-8 months. But it also means cherishing every moment we have. It means enjoying each holiday, from Thanksgiving to Saint Patrick's Day, in case you are apart next year. It means long, bone crunching hugs and sweet kisses that have to either last awhile or make up for lost time. It means phone calls long into the night ignoring the fact that you have work in four hours. It means your heart skips a beat when you unexpectedly get a text message or an email. It means having so many first kisses that you lose count.

There is something to be said for being a military spouse. They are some of the strongest, kindest and most adaptable people I have ever had the honor of knowing. Near and far I am proud to consider them my friends. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you, for advice when I was lost, and for just listening when it was necessary. I appreciate every one I have met and I know these relationships will last a long time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lonely?

I came to a semi startling realization lately (with some articles like this one and this one ... they definitely helped me on this path... well, you'll see). With Ryan in the field and a deployment on the near horizon it was not a revelation I enjoyed having.

I am pretty lonely these days.

When my husband is home, it is terrific. He is my best friend and I love spending any available minute I can with him. Working at the library means working evenings and weekends... so that time we do have together with opposite schedules really is precious. But when he is at work (whether for the day, the week or in the future 6-9 months) I am pretty lonely.

I have friends in the area, don't get me wrong. It isn't like I don't know anyone like I did at this time last year... but I am disappointed I did not bond with someone in a super close way. There is no one I am comfortable calling randomly to say, "Hey, I'm bored... want to do something?" No improvised movie dates, drinks or anything seem to ever happen. When I hang out with people it tends to be in groups where I know one person really well and everyone else knows, well, everyone else. I didn't expect to feel like an oddball out after living here a year. I know friendships take time, but it is pretty disheartening to feel this way. At 25 the WAAH I don't have any close friends sort of phase should be over, don't you think?

There are some wonderful people I know here, but I haven't moved beyond just good friends with anyone. No future BFFs seem to be in my horizon and knowing I am about to face a deployment without someone like that makes me dread it more. There are amazing military spouses (and civilians) in this town, I just wish I clicked with someone on that level.

Does this make any sense?

I may just be rambling, and because this is my blog I think that is allowed... but it still sucks. My best friend lives in New Jersey and is moving futher away in the near future to Rhode Island. Most of my family lives in other states and my own family, even being in the same state, is a good seven hours away. There are some days I just want to jump out of my skin. The Dup is a great bud (you know, for a dog) but there are even days I wish I could just depend on someone else to entertain her. There cannot even be improvised roadtrips because with work my time is wonky and with The Dup she hates the car. I have to pay to board her if I didn't want to bring her somewhere as I don't even have anyone nearby I feel comfortable to pet sit for a few days. We are in the unique position of being married for awhile (not newly weds at any rate) and having no children or any forseeable ones for some time (like after this deployment maybe). Lots of people around here have kids or have been here long enough to have set social circles. Having a job usually helps that and while my coworkers are wonderful there are not many of us (um, like three others besides me at my branch) and they are older than me with kids and lives.

Hopefully something will change. I know I can volunteer or do more things to meet people, but the rare times I seem not to be working I want to spend time with Ryan... great for our marriage but it will bite me in the you know what in a few months when he is no longer around.

Thanks for reading this nonsensical assortment of words. My poor blog has been so all over the place lately I do appreciate any of you who are still around. Maybe things will change.. hopefully I can push myself in that direction and out of my comfort zone and make it happen. You never know.



PS - The chair is totally covered under warranty and a free arm will be here to be repaired in the next 4-6 weeks. Ultimate win right there! The furniture person was very apologetic about the wait but it is free so it does not bother me in the slightest. That chair will just be moved to the back of the dining room until I can get it fixed!