I came to a semi startling realization lately (with some articles like this one and this one ... they definitely helped me on this path... well, you'll see). With Ryan in the field and a deployment on the near horizon it was not a revelation I enjoyed having.
I am pretty lonely these days.
When my husband is home, it is terrific. He is my best friend and I love spending any available minute I can with him. Working at the library means working evenings and weekends... so that time we do have together with opposite schedules really is precious. But when he is at work (whether for the day, the week or in the future 6-9 months) I am pretty lonely.
I have friends in the area, don't get me wrong. It isn't like I don't know anyone like I did at this time last year... but I am disappointed I did not bond with someone in a super close way. There is no one I am comfortable calling randomly to say, "Hey, I'm bored... want to do something?" No improvised movie dates, drinks or anything seem to ever happen. When I hang out with people it tends to be in groups where I know one person really well and everyone else knows, well, everyone else. I didn't expect to feel like an oddball out after living here a year. I know friendships take time, but it is pretty disheartening to feel this way. At 25 the WAAH I don't have any close friends sort of phase should be over, don't you think?
There are some wonderful people I know here, but I haven't moved beyond just good friends with anyone. No future BFFs seem to be in my horizon and knowing I am about to face a deployment without someone like that makes me dread it more. There are amazing military spouses (and civilians) in this town, I just wish I clicked with someone on that level.
Does this make any sense?
I may just be rambling, and because this is my blog I think that is allowed... but it still sucks. My best friend lives in New Jersey and is moving futher away in the near future to Rhode Island. Most of my family lives in other states and my own family, even being in the same state, is a good seven hours away. There are some days I just want to jump out of my skin. The Dup is a great bud (you know, for a dog) but there are even days I wish I could just depend on someone else to entertain her. There cannot even be improvised roadtrips because with work my time is wonky and with The Dup she hates the car. I have to pay to board her if I didn't want to bring her somewhere as I don't even have anyone nearby I feel comfortable to pet sit for a few days. We are in the unique position of being married for awhile (not newly weds at any rate) and having no children or any forseeable ones for some time (like after this deployment maybe). Lots of people around here have kids or have been here long enough to have set social circles. Having a job usually helps that and while my coworkers are wonderful there are not many of us (um, like three others besides me at my branch) and they are older than me with kids and lives.
Hopefully something will change. I know I can volunteer or do more things to meet people, but the rare times I seem not to be working I want to spend time with Ryan... great for our marriage but it will bite me in the you know what in a few months when he is no longer around.
Thanks for reading this nonsensical assortment of words. My poor blog has been so all over the place lately I do appreciate any of you who are still around. Maybe things will change.. hopefully I can push myself in that direction and out of my comfort zone and make it happen. You never know.
PS - The chair is totally covered under warranty and a free arm will be here to be repaired in the next 4-6 weeks. Ultimate win right there! The furniture person was very apologetic about the wait but it is free so it does not bother me in the slightest. That chair will just be moved to the back of the dining room until I can get it fixed!