Tune Ups

I have never been one to air dirty laundry on my blog. Most bloggers I know don't. Our blogs are a place where our lives tend to be a little more glossy sheen than chaos. Occassionally people will write about a frustration or two, but I usually will not write about arguments or difficulties. One, it is not something I wish my blog to focus on, and two, it is out of respect for the relationships I do have. That being said, this particular entry is one I have wanted to write for awhile, and everything I mention here has been something my husband and I have both said we are comfortable disclosing.

Marriage Counseling.

We agreed years ago, back when we were newlyweds, if one of us (did not matter which one) ever wanted counseling then we would go... no questions asked, no stalling. We had one time a year or so ago where one of us mentioned it and we looked in to going, but then we managed to regain our footing and never actually went. Or so we thought. The past year or so have been hard for us. Last year Ryan came back from Afghanistan and we jumped right into the holidays. Immediately after that we went out our trip to Europe and as soon as we returned my aunt passed away and I flew to New Jersey. The day after I returned from her funeral I was thrown in rehearsals for a show I had been cast in. So we went from living apart with the deployment, to reintigration that never really had a chance to take and by the time we were both on normal schedules again it was summer practically and Ryan was putting in for his SDA. Then I had another show as Ryan started school for his SDA.... and we both just realized we were fighting a lot and were both pretty unhappy overall. After a particularly large (amd stupid) fight over something insignificant we decided we wanted to go to counseling.

Ryan instantly made a phone call to Military OneSource. Military OneSource offers active duty, reservists on active status, and National Guard members and their families twelve free, non medical, face-to-face counseling sessions with a professional in your area. We had an appointment with a counselor for the next day with that one call. Even making the appointment we felt better and had what felt like our first real discussion in a long time. That was when we realized we both were unhappy... not unhappy that we were married or together, but overall the general feeling of this could be better. This has been better.

We went in to our first session with a little bit of unease, but our counselor got us to talk. Then we had one of our small fights. And he let us. We were on opposite ends of the couch going back and forth jumping from topic to topic when our counselor said something that seems so incredibly obvious, but until we heard it, it never occurred for a moment.

"Is this how you speak to someone you love?"

No. No it isn't.

When we had those stupid arguments, and lord knows we had them a lot, we were both just trying to be heard. It wasn't about the sweet potato or the volume on the tv (seriously), it was wanting our spouse to hear us. We always were the type to bicker, both our parents independently nicknamed us "the Bickersons", but lately it had been so much more than that.

Once we heard that, we began to make a more conscious effort to really hear one another, and talk to each other the way we wanted to be talked to. It sounds so simple when I type it, but it was something that in our frustrations we were missing. We both were overly frustrated to the point where we felt like we weren't being heard and all we did was make our voices louder and louder with effort to be heard. But when someone yells usually the knee jerk response is to stop listening anyway... it is a vicious cycle we were stuck in for sure.

If we are arguing it becomes about winning... and in order for one of us to win one of us has to lose. And marriage shouldn't be about winning and losing. We are on the same team. If one of us loses then we both lose.

Our counselor told us around the five year mark is where a lot of marriages will stumble or falter... it is totally normal. He told us that we both drive cars and every 3,000 or 5,000 miles we need an oil change, right? Well, this is our oil change. We hit so many miles in our marriage and just needed a tune up. We needed to hear some things we had forgotten. After many years together it is easy to fall into a rut or a bad routine or habit, and sometimes you just need someone to nudge you onto the right track again.

After a little more than six or seven sessions there was a remarkable improvement. Heck, after our first session there was improvement! Our counselor recommended a certain book for us, and I am kind of embarassed to say we had a copy already and once we started reading it, it helped. Seriously. We have had more meaningful, real conversations in the past two months than in the whole last year combined probably. We were making the effort to really hear one another again. In our last session, before Ryan started his SDA, we watched a DVD our counselor recommended. During the DVD Ryan had his arm around me and I held his hand. We all noticed how different it was from our first session when we were as far apart as possible on opposite ends of the couch.

Even though it hasn't been long, we are so much happier already. We communicate better... we hear each other more... and we have slowly started eliminating bad habits we formed together. We take responsiblity for our own actions and behaviors, we try and help each other when we have bad days, and we both love each other enough to fight for our marriage. We were never on the verge of divorce or anything, but we knew that our marriage could be better because it had been before. Once the newlywed glow fades and time goes on it is easy to forget you have to check in with one another. This SDA is not going to be easy, and we knew that going in to it, so we both felt very relieved that we were able to reconnect on this level before it started. We plan on going back for another session when his first training cycle is over, but just to check in. We already know we are on a better path at this point and have the tools to keep moving forward.

This isn't a quick fix. Your car still will always need an oil change after so many miles, but at least now we have the tools to do it ourselves next time. And if we keep up the regular maintenance, we will have less problems later.

If you are in a similar situation and a military couple, I highly recommend using these sessions from Military OneSource. Even if you aren't military, some insurances cover counseling for a certain amount of sessions. I am glad we did. And if blogging about it helps anyone else, than the point of writing this has been achieved. I blog to chronicle our lives, sure, but also to help other military spouses who find my blog randomly or who are even regular readers. So there you go... someone else who has been there in some capacity. Every couple has issues and every couple needs a tune up now and then. Go for it. As always, feel free to comment or email me if you have any other questions that I may be able to help with.

Thanks for reading.



PS - This is a non sponsored post and all opinions are my own. Military OneSource is a great resource that we happily used, but they are in no way responsible for the content of this post. Same with the book review on amazon, purely my own opinion.

A Day in the Life

I have seen a lot of bloggers do a 'Day in the Life' posts and last Wednesday I decided to give it a try! With my phone in hand I did my best. I took a lot more pictures than I expected to and I still didn't get as much as some other bloggers I read (way to go guys, you made it seem easy!) but I tried. So here we go....

When I wake up in the morning I usually hit snooze two or three times check the weather and my email on my phone...

And if I have time usually I peek at the Chive too. Ryan got me hooked on the site/app and I have become a huge chivette. He only has himself to blame! I purposely picked this picture because there is the Genie. In Latte Art. Awesome.

Usually by now the Dup comes sauntering in to our room from the couch (which she sneaks out in the middle of the night to do, NOT allowed) or wiggles out from under the bed. We do a puppy stretch before going outside. 

She has her morning potty break and usually runs around until she hears the magical B word...
 

Breakfast!!! This dog knows the words dinner and breakfast by heart. We use them sparingly in our house.

While she eats I usually head to the bathroom and start my shower.

But without fail she finds me when she is done eating. Rylie loves to curl right up near the shower so when you emerge to reach your towel you practically have to leap over her and pray you don't twist an ankle. But it is cute.

My beauty routine is pretty low key... eye shadow and cover up (never expected to have such awful skin at 25, really acne?) and trusty chapstick.

Most mornings I do blow dry my hair. The Dup hates the blow dryer but she has to be close by regardless. Afterall, the loud handheld machine may attack Mommy at any moment.

Once I am ready for work the Dup and I go outside for a rousing game of fetch. Such a lab.... she loves tennis balls and running back and forth until she cannot stand up any more. Now that the weather is warmer I should start doing morning walks with her... but fetch seems to be a hit.

As it gets time for me to go I say, "Time for work! You want a treat?" and the next thing I know she is patiently waiting in her crate for a milkbone. Oh that face. I hate to leave her but we gotta pay the bills!

At this point I am in the car. Ugh. I hate taking selfies, but for the blog, why not?

My commute is so lovely... ten or fifteen minutes max. I am post rush hour and never have any problems. So I usually get to work pretty early.

I open the library, sometimes myself, sometimes with coworkers. This particular Wednesday was our monthly staff meeting day. I was blessed to go to the afternoon meeting this month so I opened alone. The morning meeting does mean going home earlier, but it also means fighting gate traffic to be at the main library for 8:30. Any milspouses out there know the hell that is gate traffic and understand my kvetching there! Back to opening the library... I normally turn on my computer first so I can clock in and have my systems open to check in books and read my email. KCCO!

I then turn on all the computers for the patrons and start emptying the dehumidifiers. We have an OLD building (like it was a barracks in the 1940s old) so these are essential. Without the dehumidifiers we get tons of mold, not just on the walls but in the books too, so we cannot have that. On rainy days and in the summer we empty these babies morning and night, sometimes in the middle too on bad days. In the winter rarely at all. But yay for moldy water?

As I am opening the library I usally prepare my breakfast... a bagel or a freshly microwaved strawberry poptart. Breakfast of champions, I know, but I am not really big on eating in the morning.

As that heats up I kid you not I take a moment to stop and smell the books. I LOVE the smell of books, especially old ones. And if I am standing in the non fiction section I get it in droves. I heard they make a candle with book smell, I may have to buy it. I have a problem. I honestly thought I failed my interview for this job when I gushed about how I love the smell of books. Only once I was hired did I learn that both my manager and coworker said the same thing in their interview so they knew I'd work out! ;)

Once we open I am at the desk working on my project. I am currently making a running list of all the book series we have in the library. I am doing the name of the author, the series and listing all the books plus marking which ones we have and which ones we should order. This week we were also logging what we did at work every fifteen minutes to show the government how busy we are and how having us understaffed is not a good thing. Thank you sequestration! You know how tedious it is to track yourself all day for fifteen minute incriments? And the week before a long weekend? It was rough.

Then in the early afternoon I got to drive over to mainside for the staff meeting.

My coworker came back from the morning meeting with a huge cherry slushie for me, so naturally I took it with me to my meeting for refreshment purposes.

This meeting rocked because there was cake for all the May birthdays and anniversaries. Man, I love cake.

Unfortunately our meeting ran long which meant when I was going back to work I got caught in afternoon rush hour gate traffic. No bueno. Sigh.

When I got back to work I took a late lunch (practically dinner). Every lunch I take I fully abuse my library aid status and read a book. Wouldn't you? And before you ask, no, we cannot read on the clock. I wish!

I usually eat my food in the staff room then go outside, especially if it is nice, to read the rest of my break. I also fully enjoy the ospreys flying overhead.

The afternoons and evenings are the busiest at our branch so I took no pictures. Fail I know, but I never have my phone on me at the desk. I keep it in the office and only check it sparingly. So I worked on my project and helped patrons until it was closing time. Also no pictures.... but it was basically the same as opening any way.

I then ran to the exchange real quick to grab some bad habits for the hubby and I before heading home.

Again, I miss rush hour so my commute is pretty smooth!

I love the nights Ryan gets home before me and dinner is ready when I get home. It doesn't happen a lot so I relish the nights it does. No one wants to cook at 7:30 when they walk in the door! Technically tonight was leftover spaghetti he brought me home from a command dinner, but it was from Olive Garden so I was a happy camper. Man I drink a lot of Diet Coke...

Evenings, especially weeknights, we mostly just cuddle on the couch and watch TV. Favorites include How I Met Your Mother, the Big Bang Theory, and our newest favorite Duck Dynasty.

I had to be stealthy taking pictures of Mr. "I hate having my picture taken" so you get a semi artsy sillouette shot of my husband as we watch Duck Dynasty.

Then we move to the garage, sometimes with a glass of wine or a beer, and smoke and talk about our day. It is one of my favorite parts of the day (not because of addictive substances) because we really have some awesome conversations/debates during this hour or two leading up to bed time. Ryan was checking our investments (a very popular topic in our garage) so I got to sneak this one.

By this time it is late enough for bed. Generally I make our lunches and coffee for Ryan in the morning as we slowly unwind.

The Dup comes in and we all hunker down for the night.... usually with Rylie diving under our bed and making herself comfortable. Our house has no boogey man, we have a Dup.

So that is a semi-typical day in the life of me. Not the most thrilling, but it was fun to see and track and try for one entry. What is a day in your life like?



(I realize I am posting this a week after my putting it together, my blog app was giving me issues! Hopefully I can blog about our wonderful weekend in Jersey this week and get that up for you all. Thanks for reading!)