“Optimist: Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha.”
― Robert BraultI am trying to be an optimist. I am trying to take my two steps forward, one step backward and make it into a cha-cha... but man it isn't easy.
I know the importance of goodness and positivity. I just feel like every time I take a step forward lately I take two backwards. No stomach attack for six weeks? Let’s have three in four days and put her in the Emergency Room twice. Fertility cycle successfully tracked and used? Let’s have her period arrive two days earlier than anticipated and with a vengeance. Cast in a dream role in a Shakespeare play? Let’s have her work her ass off to have it cancelled at the last minute. Add in some stresses I choose not to blog about, stupid doctors who give me a snap diagnosis and tell me I should be on antidepressants to see if they help anything (when I am not depressed regardless of all this going on) just makes me want to hit something. I am not clinically depressed. I can laugh, I can feel happiness and joy and I am not in a fog of sadness and hurt hours a day. I am not sad. I am not depressed.
I am frustrated. There is a huge difference.
Sometimes my frustration brings me to tears because that is my body’s uncontrolled physical response. But more often than not, I am just me. I don't dwell on these things all the time. I am how I always have been. I don't know how else to put it. I have been in that horrible fog before, my teenage years especially... I know the difference and how important mental health is to people. But I will not just take medication because one doctor who has spent five minutes with me and sees my medical issues happening and thinks I should, even if just as "preventative maintenance" because it is "only a matter of time at this rate."
So, as you can tell from my ranting things have not been easy around these parts lately. I cannot believe I naively expected to get pregnant as soon as I stopped taking my birth control over a year ago. I cannot believe I thought having my gall bladder removed would fix my stomach issues and make me normal again. I cannot believe certain things happen. I cannot believe I am officially the "someone else" certain things happen to, but never to you person. I mentioned in my 2014 Retrospect post how hard of a year it was and 2015 can only be better.... well I was wrong. Different sorts of awful can happen and be just as hard if not harder. Sometimes that makes me wish I was a kid again, this adult stuff is for the birds. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe October, November and December will be better...
All I can say is, I am working on my cha-cha as much as a rhythmically challenged girl can.