Aimless. Wordless.

Ever have the every day trivial things just overwhelm you?

Have you ever wanted to throw your routine in the air, set it on fire, and start over?

Or maybe do something out there and crazy, just because?

I feel a little aimless lately. Job worries, household duties, cooking, rehearsal... just turned 25. Quarter life crisis much? At times I am bursting at the seams to go out and do something new, try something, take a risk. Other times I want to hide under our bed and not leave the house.

I never had anxiety issues before but sometimes even just driving to the store I want to cry and run back home. Being in our house for four months and not having a routine where I would leave it often has made me too attached. It is my security blanket. And when I am home sometimes I want to claw the walls and get out, do something.... but then I feel like I can't breathe and I just want to race back.

Not always. It comes and goes.

Ballet has helped. Rehearsal has helped.

But I feel a little lost. Without purpose. I haven't been unemployed this long since I started working as a young teen. Babysitting to after school care to theatre camps and camp counselor to retail to theatre to assistant pharmacist to camp counselor again and then my last job in executive real estate.

Here I am not qualified for things because I only answered the phone for two years instead of three. Nothing else would excite or make me happy.... retail, restaurants, call centers.... long hours of nights and weekends away from my husband for what? More money? We pay our bills, we still go out to eat occassionally.... the drive isn't there as much as it once was.

My blog has suffered. I am lucky if I blog once a week these days when it used to be constant and wonderful. I haven't written for SpouseBUZZ in months because I don't know what to say. What advice can a stay at home wife offer to these spouses who need help when she can barely help herself?

I love my husband and I feel like I am letting him down.

I feel like I am in a rut sometimes and it scares the heck out of me.

Tarnished

At the moment I feel like a reverse King Midas. Everything I touch tarnishes. Maybe I am just being over dramatic and ridiculous, but I am not having an easy time as of late. (Ok, and I am extremely PMS if you must know, it is SO not helping)

Examples?

I was supposed to be an extra in an independent film on Saturday. Well it is getting to be later in the week and I haven't heard a peep out of the company. I go on Facebook and see that they posted something along the lines of "The party scene has been rescheduled due to storm damage. If you are on the call sheet you received an email about this last week." I comment saying I never received any email, just phone confirmation after the audition. They tell me they had a major database glitch and some people were deleted and that they are working to fix it. But at this point I doubt they will even use me. I am sure my spot was filled after my "deletion" so I am not bothering to get my hopes up. I was so excited. I miss acting so much and I was really looking forward to this. Tarnished.

Again, I was supposed to have a phone interview last week for an amazing job that I was really looking forward to trying to get. The only phone interview I had before (Disney) they called me. Maybe it was stupid of me to assume that was how it works... but the time for the interview comes and no call. I call the interviewer maybe fifteen/twenty minutes later after finding her number in my email and leave a voicemail. Then I emailed her that evening. And again this morning. Maybe because I made an assumption I looked incompetent and burned a bridge before I could even start to cross it. Tarnished.

I have enough rejection letters from jobs that I can wallpaper our bathroom. If we were needing money I know I could go back to retail or anything shift work like, but after being apart for nine months Ryan and I do not want me to have a job that has me work nights and weekends when he works weekdays. We'd never see each other. So my framed college diploma is gathering dust in its frame on the wall in the office as I do laundry, vacuum, clean, cook, watch the dog and run miscellaneous errands. I miss having a job I enjoyed, where I felt a sense of purpose. At this point retail may be my only option so we will just have to suck it up and I will have to work some nights and weekends just to have something on my resume. Something to get me out of the house. Something that will not make me feel like having a fight with my husband on washing the crock pot is the end of the world. Tarnished.

Couple all that with a million mosquito bites, poison ivy and a break out rival to what I had when I was in high school and my self confidence has plummeted. I may have gained weight too.... I can't tell. We don't own a scale but I think I have. Tarnished.

My blog has suffered because I honestly just have not had anything to write about. I refuse to turn this place into a ranting release every entry. I guess I can have one now and then, but I don't want that to be all I do. So the blog may be stepping back until I have something worth writing about. Tarnished.

Thanks for sticking with me. Now, I need to go find some oil and untarnish this big ol' mess of mine.

We Are Worth More

Have you all seen this article?

Yesterday it came to my attention on Facebook and I have to say.... it made me really angry. "12 Great Jobs For Military Spouses". As someone who is currently looking for work it definitely caught my eye. Maybe I missed something, maybe there could be tips and hints and advice for lots of women out there in my exact same position.

I was wrong.

The article starts off well. It talks about how compared to the overall public military spouses are more educated. 84 percent of military spouses have some college. Further more 25 percent have a bachelor’s degree and 10 percent have an advanced degree. Those numbers don't even include other marketable skills that require special licenses. 35 percent of military spouses in the workforce are in jobs that require a professional license (which is an initiate that Michelle Obama and Jill Biden are working to allow those spouses to work in all 50 states without transferring licenses every three to five years). In fact 85 percent of spouses are in my exact situation. 85 percent. That number seems disturbingly high to me.

Seeing those numbers made me proud. We are a well educated community with a lot to offer the world. Our spouses being military does make that more difficult, but not impossible. Moving so much does stunt career progress sometimes, you may work for a company that has no representation in your new location, so you have to start over. I can relate.

But then I got pissed.

The twelve great jobs this woman writes about? Insulting. For an educated group of people it seems more like a list for a high schooler looking for their first job. Hell, if the article had a different spin, it may not have annoyed me so much. Maybe if it was "12 Money Making Endeavors for Military Spouses Between Jobs" or "Extra Income Ideas" it may not have annoyed me so much. But for saying how educated we are and what we can achieve.... it boils down to this.

Direct Selling (like Avon or Pampered Chef), Child Care and Babysitting, Selling handcrafted goods online (Etsy), Tutoring and Substitute Teaching, Errand Runner, Catering and/or Cake Making, Pet Services, Gift Basket Creator, Personal Trainer, Administrative Assistant, IT Specialist and Tax Preparer.

Those are the 12 great jobs?? Now, some are fine, even terrific careers. I know plenty of spouses who do direct selling or have amazing Etsy shops. If you love numbers a tax preparer is great. If you want to teach, it is a good choice. But gift basket preparer??? Errand runner??? For being as ambitious and educated as you make us sound that is honestly the best you can come up with? THAT is where it gets insulting. And the descriptions... oh man. I have been talking to Ryan about going back to school for culinary arts, more specifically a pastry chef. I have taken cake decorating courses and I love to bake, it is something I have been toying with, but the description from the article made my blood boil.

"Those hours spent watching the Food Network might be the genesis of a money-making plan. If you have great culinary chops, try catering parties or backyard cookouts, selling homemade baked goods or offer your services as a personal chef. A course in cake decoration, candy making, and baking from a community college or gourmet food shop can boost your presentation skills."

I spend hours spent watching the Food Network?? In between keeping the house clean, taking care of the dog, grocery shopping, maintaining the cars, the yard, laundry, cooking dinner (and baked goods for Ryan to take to work), blogging, writing articles for SpouseBUZZ and applying for jobs I spend hours watching TV???? Most days the TV isn't even turned on in our house until after dinner when we sit on the couch and watch Doctor Who on Netflix together. And just because you watch the Food Network does not make you a chef. People go to school for years to do that. Yes, home based businesses can grow from talented individuals, but the way that the article says it anyone can turn a TV show into a career.

And I am so glad I went to college for four years to be a babysitter. Because that is all my bachelor's degree can get me. I worked my butt off in college for four years. Yes, my concentration was theatre, but I have a BA. I took all sorts of liberal arts classes.... math, science, philosophy, religion, Spanish, psychology and anthropology to name a few. I had a full course load of classes (and homework and studying) plus I would be at the theatre five hours a night during the week and all day Saturday. And I worked in the scene shop in the theatre part time so I could make money. Full course load, rehearsals and a job.

And I can babysit.
The article is from The Jacksonville Daily News. Jacksonville, a huge military town, has the nerve to publish something so backwards from 1960? You are a major paper in a military town. You claim spouses are these educated people and we can run errands. Insulting. How do you think people would react if this was an article directed at women in general? Civilians?

Yes, my husband's job makes me move.... but I shouldn't have to be a secretary until I retire. We are worth more than entry level jobs for the rest of our spouses' military careers. We support our spouse and they support us. Our dreams, aspirations and goals may be harder to obtain, but not impossible. I will stand by my husband's side and do what I can to help him and his career... and I know he will do the same for me wherever he can. The military has given us so much, sometimes is really sucks (deployments, field ops, PCSing as soon as you feel 'settled') but that is the life we choose to live. But gosh darn it I can have a career too. I can support my husband, hep keep up a house, a dog (someday kids) and still pursue what makes me happy. We all can.

We are worth more.

Lucky

This entry may be a little deep... you may not like it. That's ok. But with all the bullying appearing in the news daily I had to get some of it out. Maybe it will help someone, maybe not. I worked on it for days and debated publishing it... But it is my story regardless so I will.



Some days I cannot believe how lucky I am.


I cannot believe how lucky I am to have Ryan as my husband and in my life. To have someone love me so much and so unconditionally and to feel the same in return. I will see it in the look in his eyes when I catch him staring at me and hear it when he tells me good night and sweet dreams. From his text messages telling me good morning to the jokes he knows will brighten my sour mood. I cannot believe how blessed I am to have found the love of my life at a relatively young age and to be happily married (even if we are currently 3,000 miles apart)!

Well work today was a little slow and I had a lot of time to think. I saw lots of news stories, cyber bullying being a big topic lately. It made me think back to my time in high school. How can I put this delicately?



I was a total loser.


I really was. Middle school was worse believe it or not, I was teased and picked on and bullied, especially in my younger years. I was always a bit of a loner, I loved to read and I was definitely one to have one or two close friends. I wasn't popular by any means. I remember in middle school some of the "popular kids" got ahold of my AIM screen name and began an early onslaught of cyber bullying. They'd pretend to be the 'cute guy' in our class and get me to admit I liked him and then show him the chat and make fun of me. Or Mean Girl A would pretend Mean Girl B had been mean to her so I could say, "Yes, she is mean to me too, I don't like her." and Mean Girl B had been sitting there all along and could jump in and call me a bitch for "not liking her". Seems harmless and petty but when you're 12 or 13 they make you sob for hours. My face is still burning at the thought.

Even when I was in elementary school I cannot tell you how many times I ate lunch alone. It was humiliating. Popular kids made fun of me and I felt like I was under a magnifying glass. Even at summer camp it happened as some of those same kids went to the one camp in the area I went to.... it had bus transportation and lasted all day for kids whose parents worked. I once had my mom let me bring in my pet bunny to share in Nature Class. All the kids on the bus started saying things like I ate rabbits and I was a monster and my hair was really made out of wood shavings... and with that last part they would pull and yank on my hair as they said it. One younger girl did it so hard she ripped out a chunk of my hair, which was agony. So when I shoved her away and she began to cry the bus driver yelled at me for making a girl a year younger than me upset. With her crocodile tears and a huge chunk of my hair on the floor they didn't believe me.

High school was better scarily enough. I found my theatre school where I went every morning and made lasting and amazing friendships with wonderful people. I ignored the kids who tortured me throughout middle school and elementary school and slowly found my footing. I tried sports and did theatre and made friends in upper and lower grades and in my theatre school. I had people to eat lunch with, to hang out at the movies on Friday... but every now and then the snide remarks came back.

Loser. Freak. Weirdo. Fatso. I heard a lot of them.

I nearly reached my breaking point once. I got into some stupid behaviors (no not drugs, but I will leave it at that) and luckily my family was able to pull me out of it, smack me upside the head (gently) and set me on my way again. I am ashamed when I think of that part of my teen years. Selfish behavior hurts more than just you. I know that now.

I found faith and comfort at church... until I had my first boyfriend. It got rocky after that (basically he wanted me to do things I was not ready to do and dumped me when I wouldn't) as he started dating a friend of mine in youth group and I felt ridiculously uncomfortable for awhile. But I got over it. My faith kept me coming back and I still get so calm when I go to church.

After that one boyfriend in my early high school years (I was a freshman and he was a junior) I did not date in my high school. I had a few flings on vacation or when I went to a random club teen night with my best friend... but that was it. My reputation as that loser and how I was treated made me have zero romantic interest in high school.

College I definitely came into my own. I had friends and more hook ups, but no relationships. I didn't really want to admit my history to any guys I briefly hung out with and let's face it, being a theatre major did not throw me in with tons of straight eligable men!! Ironically the ONE girl who came from my high school to college with me was one of the worst offenders when I was little. We ended up on the same floor of the same dorm freshman year. I panicked, my fresh start may get ruined from the start.... but it didn't. I stopped letting it bother me. Aside from seeing her once or twice in the community bathroom I ignored her. She tried to talk to me once and I was polite but indifferent. I guess being far from home and seeing a familair face made her think we could suddenly magically be friends.... no thank you.

College was wonderful, that fact aside. I went through my few first years only getting a little jealous when I saw lovey dovey couples. I was way behind in experience and just not sure of myself. It probably was just not meant for me. For years I thought I would end up alone. I did. I would never find love, I would just go through life single and be fine with it. Mostly.

Then Ryan walked into my life. Literally he strolled right up to me at a Saint Patrick's Day party and asked me where I got the shamrock that I had painted on my cheek from. Guys that gorgeous didn't talk to me, so I thought he really wanted to know and pointed him towards the living room! Luckily he was persistant, I was so oblivious to a pick up attempt he could have honestly just walked off. But he didn't.

I cannot believe I ended up with an amazing man like my husband. He heard about my past, my experiences (or lack thereof) and embraced it all. Ironically I know he was the exact opposite in school... a popular, good looking social butterfly. (He'd never admit it that way, but I learned it over time :P) If we had been in the same high school the odds of him looking at me would have been zero. He would probably tell you otherwise but I think it would have been that way.

But I am so blessed. I never believed something like that could happen to me... that someone so gorgeous, kind, smart and amazing would even look at me twice let alone fall in love with me. I honestly believe I went from Loser to Lucky. I haven't felt like a true Loser in a long time. Ryan gave me self confidence and taught me to believe in myself more than anyone else in this world. He showed me I can be beautiful, smart, funny and make wonderful friends. Ryan helped me become the Allie I was supposed to be.

Sometimes on facebook a tormentor, (as a friend of a friend) will pop up on my newsfeed... still living at home, single, and hanging out in the same places they hung out in high school, and I can't help but feel a teeny tiny bit smug. I went on to bigger and better things that they told me I never would. I left high school behind and felt no desire to look back. I did not peak there. My life will always be an upward climb... I will never hit my peak. Every day is better than the last and will continue to be.




If you read it all, thank you. If anyone randomly stumbles across this through a google search with bullying or whatever.... life can change. It can take you places you never thought you would be. Amazing people exist in this world, just like some awful ones do. It gets better. Hold your head up, keep breathing, have faith.

Bllllaagh

Not much to say. I put all my creative-ness for blogging today into a guest post and now don't really have anything I want to say!

Ryan got home around 2am since he and Josh had one last night to hang (yea he officially moved today). But I was angry at the hubby for a certain reason that shall be named and we have had clipped exchanges today. I have physical therapy tonight so I am just chilling at work after hours and he has an event til 9 anyway... plus breaking it down after. So who knows.

I was productive yesterday though and got the winter comforter on our bed (AND the bed skirt. You know how hard that is to do alone??), watered the tree, vacuumed needles, then went through all the "boxes" in the dining room. We get care packages from my mom a lot and I had some blog boxes from swaps still sitting around. Most of the stuff was put away and other things accuulated, like old mail and fliers and things that just conveniently fit in the boxes. Well, all gone now. I then snuggled into my snuggie, yes I own one and love it, and watched the Next Great Baker on TLC because I loves me some Cake Boss.

I also tried to call and see if I could schedule a surgery today... no dice. Left a voicemail. This whole process is getting SO old.




RIP to all those who gave their lives on this day in 1941 at Pearl Harbor. It made me a little sad to sign on to AOL and Yahoo and glance at CNN and no one even mention it. I don't expect it to take over the news, but it should be at least there. But I will mention it. Thank you.

Also RIP Elizabeth Edwards, I just saw on CNN she passed away. I hope her children will find comfort in her peace.

Thank God...

It is the weekend! And I went to Happy Hour with some people from work because we got PAID! Much better.

I am at the barracks printing a resume. I found a job position as a Theatre Specialist in QUANTICO of all places! Let's just say I am qualified and it would be a great position. Sadly I saw the posting two hours after MCCS stopped accepting applications but I am sending it anyway. It can't hurt. Now I will go home and wait for my husband to come back from post-parade work just to have him go in at 8am for duty squad work. Sigh. Duty squad is a truly suck week a month.


I saw this on Katie's (@ Diary of a Disgruntled Marine Fiance's) facebook and I wanted to repost it here as it is SO true.

"I can't believe the news coverage being given to a spoiled 20-something yr old. Here are a few 20 year-olds worth knowing about: Justin Allen 23, Brett Linley 29, Justus Bartett 27, Dave Santos 21, Chase Stanley 21, Jesse Reed 26, Matthew Johnson 21, Zachary Fisher 24, Brandon King 23, Christopher Goeke 23, Paul Miller 22, & Sheldon Tate 27. These service men gave their lives for you this week. Lindsey who?"

Grow up American Media. Report on the important stuff. Not some spoiled drug addict brat who hasn't made a worthwhile movie in years.

[insert title here]

Sorry I have been slacking!

Welcome new followers! I nearly fell over when I saw how many more I got. I know it isn't a whole lot a lot but it made me quite happy. I know you came through my guest blogging stint at Flip Flops and Combat Boots so thank you!

I have been exhausted all week. Working at the day camp and the commute plus having some opera shows at night just drains me! Especially when I come home and cook or clean or do other things. Last night after dinner I went to lie down. Ryan and I kept saying we wouldn't fall asleep. I had to shower, make my lunch, we had dinner dishes, and it made me smile when he said I had to update my blog.

Well we passed out. I woke up at 11pm, changed into a night shirt, and passed out again. We were so zonked we didn't even feel the 3.6 magnitude earthquake that hit the DC area around 5am! Seriusly, an earthquake in DC?! I heard it on the radio when I got in the car to go to work and actually almost drove off the road. My first earthquake and I sleep through it... :P

So here is where my real entry comes, bear with me.



There is a rumor Ryan may get orders at the end of parade season.

This is really hard for me to wrap my brain around. When Ryan and I were just engaged and planning our wedding he had planned to stay in the Corps. I accepted the fact that come next May he would re-up and we'd move. A month or so ago he blew me away when he said he didn't want to re-enlist after all. He wanted to get a security job within the government and we'd stay in DC. Great.

Now apparently his Captain is fighting for him to get orders post parade season, September/October. I didn't prepare for that! I thought we had a year! We love our apartment, the area we live in... it will be hard to leave that so quickly. Ryan says it makes no sense for him to get orders. But because it makes no sense it has a high chance of happening since that is how the Corps works! If we move he'd do a deployment work up, but his contract would be over before he would deploy! But I know my husband, if he trained a work up with these guys he would not not deploy with them. He'd extend his contract for the deployment and then maybe get out then. Or just stay in. Now he is unsure.

Where would we go?

We don't know. California is mostly all deployed at that point and apprently are not taking new guys, so that's out. Our biggest chance is North Carolina... which scares me a bit as I would have not much to do there (at all) career wise.

I am a natural worrier, I am going through all this in my head and driving myself crazy. Ryan tells me, "Cut it out." Helpful isn't he? :P I know that worrying doesn't help but it isn't like I can flip a switch. Ryan said we have to mentally prepare for the damn possibility of this move but physically live here like nothing will change. I should look for a job for fall and just hope I am here to do it (if I get one!).

I just want to know one way or the other. Silly for a Marine wife right??

Thoughts?

Ramble

I have to stop being so cranky. I actually heard I was responding to some of the things Ryan was saying to me and it was no bueno. I know I am just restless since I don't really have an adult job yet and I am completely lacking female companionship around these parts. All my girl friends who did live in DC either moved or are away for the summer. I want to see Sex and the City 2 but even I know better than to subject my husband to that!

I am also worried about working at the summer camp. I have to be there at 8am and have basically an hour commute via the beltway. I do NOT do mornings well. So to be up that early then herding six year olds/first graders until 4pm is looking a bit intimidating. Plus the show I am stage managing for the Fringe Festival has some night rehearsals and shows that will take me from camp right to there and I will have a late night followed by a very early morning..... eek.

Ryan and I went to order his new wedding band today. It should be in by June 30th or sooner. Hoping sooner. And we went to Red Robin for the first time as we had seen the commercials for forever and never had actually eaten at one! It was pretty good! Kind of like a combination Fudrucker's/Fridays. But in the car we had a long talk. I told him as happy as I am here with him I do miss Disney. I miss the people, the friends I had that were so close by, the job, and of course the place itself. He totally got it. He knows I wouldn't trade what I have with him for anything but he also knows how much that job and place meant to me. Especially since I have friends who still work there adn friends who are going back for Professional Internships or even are still working there and I constantly see it on facebook I just really miss it. A lot.

I am very lucky. For many reasons. Also because twice in my life I have had a job I sincerely loved. I loved working in the scene shop in college. Building sets, painting, electric work... I think I learned more there in the four years I was there than I did in a classroom. Easily. And then there was Disney. Now I am scrambling to find a job for fall and worried about the summer camp and I cannot shake this feeling of dread for the career spectrum of my life. I am also even semi afraid to audition for a show again. I haven't ever really done a professional DC audition. What if I cannot act anymore? Or never could? What if I suck and never work in the industry I have pledged two decades of my life to?

UGH.

Sorry for the ranty/rambly post. I don't mean to be such a Debbie Downer, but if I can't do it here... then what is the point? Thanks for reading faithful followers. Just some awesome alliteration to alleviate Allie's angst.