"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." - Robin Williams
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| The only souvenier I asked for on my family trip to Disney that now hangs in our guest room. |
Robin Williams has been my favorite actor for my entire life. People have poked fun at me for it (never in a mean way) about how he was always my top of the heap favorite, but I know I am not alone (based on the social media take over alone). The world lost a wonderful, talented man yesterday. I am not going to lie, I cried when I heard he passed away. My entire life I dreamed of meeting him, and my top actor dream of actually acting with him, will now never be realized. This brilliant man had demons darker than any of us knew and is now no longer with us. His wife is a widow and his children are without their father... and it breaks my heart.
On acting: "All the new people you meet, it's pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful."
I remember being young, really young, and begging my mom to let me stay up for another episode of Mork & Mindy. She usually obliged for at least one episode and rolled her eyes more than once as I Nanu Nanu'd along with my favorite alien. One of the first movies I saw in a movie theatre was Aladdin, and I was ecstatic when my mom told me the Genie was the same voice as Mork.
That love always stayed.
From Mrs. Doubtfire (a movie that practically defined childhood for my generation) to Flubber to the serious movies... Jakob the Liar (being one of the most underrated in my opinion), Good Will Hunting and What Dreams May Come... his performances was awe inspiring and captivating. Dark or light, serious or comedic, he had a presence that was undeniable to even someone like me on the other side of the screen. Buzzfeed highlighted some good performances in this article too. He also was a huge supporter of our military and his USO shows were legendary. He has even been referred to as the Bob Hope of our generation for his work with the USO. The military community is even reeling from the loss.
Yesterday I was watching TV when my friend Donna texted me the news. I gasped out loud, probably scaring Ryan a bit, and googled it. It was popping up everywhere. He was gone, suicide.
"You have an internal critic, an internal drive that says, `OK, you can do more.' Maybe that's what keeps you going," Williams said. "Maybe that's a demon. ... Some people say, `It's a muse.' No, it's not a muse! It's a demon! DO IT YOU BASTARD!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE LITTLE DEMON!!"
His demons won out. His struggles with addiction and depression were not a secret, they've been a source of contention for him for years, and he spoke about them quite a bit. But I don't think anyone saw this coming. My adoration is well known in my family and friends so I had people texting me and facebooking me to check in and see how I was doing. Seriously.
Hollywood has lost some great talent in my lifetime, but none hit me as hard as this. I know it is silly to mourn for someone you have never met, but this man has made a huge impact on my life, both personally and as an actor. His talent is awe inspiring and no one will probably ever be able to come close to replicating it. It may be silly for me to dedicate an entire blog entry to this, but it's my blog, I'll do what I want. It feels like an extended uncle four times removed has died... someone who helped shape my childhood and my love of acting... and it sucks.
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
The arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
Walt Whitman
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
