Things They Don't Tell You...

Things they don't tell you about miscarriages...

Ok, maybe some of them are things they did tell you, but you were too numb/emotional/overwhelmed to acknowledge them. Maybe some things you stumbled on via the internet, like I did. But some things you don't really know until you experience them. If you are here from a google search, I am so sorry. I know my words do nothing for how you're feeling, believe me I know, but I still will extend it to you. So. Here we go.

Your first period after a miscarriage will suck.

Every person is different physically. Your first period may not happen for months or right on schedule. It may be super heavy or super light. It depends. But it will still suck. Me personally? It arrived right on schedule and was one of the most painful periods I ever had in my life. It was heavy and it hurt and it was hell. I woke up at 4:30am in so much pain that pamprin, my heat pad, and more advil did nothing to conquer. I ended up in so much pain it made me throw up. It. Sucked.

What was worse than that?

The last time I had cramps I was losing my baby. So to feel that again was hell.

It was also a giant middle finger to myself from, well, myself.

So many people in trying to help kept mentioning after you have or lose a baby your body is the most fertile. So many people get pregnant right afterwards.

Well, I didn't.

So my period arriving right on time like a barreling freight train felt like a giant middle finger. A lot of people may get pregnant right away. I am not one of them. It. Sucked.

Your hormones will screw with you.

I cried over the most random things. I cried at my own train of thought. I cried at commercials. I cried when I had more hair falling out than usual (another side effect). I cried when Mother's Day rolled around. I cried when people were nice to me. I cried when Ryan looked at me funny. I cried when the dog was nice to me.

You cannot make this stuff up.

If you are a faith driven person, it may be affected. 

It's not something I blog about often, but I am Catholic. I went to Catholic University so it really isn't a secret or anything, I just tend to not blog about religion/politics/controversial things. But my faith has always been a big part of who I am. And with everyone adamantly saying "It's not your fault." over and over again... so my horribly illogical brain got angry at God. I definitely have been failing. I prayed so hard to get pregnant, then to keep my baby when I suspected the worst.... and then it was gone. I know God guarantees us nothing, but my anger at him was enormous, like the hole in my heart.

It is slowly ebbing. I have yet to return to church, but I will. I am wearing my cross again and I have started reading a devotional book (Grieving the Child I Never Knew) that I got at the library. It is helping. Small steps. I admire people who can turn to God in the dark moments. I always have before, but this was a whole new kind of pain and I haven't handled it well. But I am getting there. You too may lose your way. Or you may grow even stronger... if you are the latter I envy you. If you are the former, you are not alone.

Being around babies may kind of suck. But it may help too.

My neighbor had a baby last month. Their baby girl was barely three weeks old when I miscarried. At first being around her broke my heart.

The first picture on the left was pretty much the week of my miscarriage. I sent the picture to my mom and she asked if anyone else knew I was crying in that picture. My husband saw it, my mom saw it on her phone, and I can see it, but not many other people can. The middle picture was a few weeks later where I am doing much better. Ryan holding the baby on the right was around the same time as the middle picture. He said it felt right to hold her, that good things were coming, that our turn wasn't far away. I wish I had my husband's faith sometimes.... but again I am getting there. Anytime my neighbors ask me if I want to hold her, I say yes. I don't want to be bitter or angry. I want to heal. It is not just a physical healing, it is emotional (and spiritual) too.

If you talk about it, others will.

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you to those who commented on my last blog. Thank you to those who emailed me, texted me, messaged me on facebook, or called me. Thank you to my family, my friends, my coworkers. Thank you to the people who don't know me well who shared with me. Thank you to those who said, "Me too. I'm here if you need me. I wish I had had someone." Thank you to those who listened. Thank you.

If you need someone... I am here. I am still climbing, still struggling, but I am here. I am moving forward, slowly but surely. It shouldn't be a taboo thing people are afraid to talk about. It is personal and it hurts and you feel so so alone, but you truly aren't. I promise.

Working Out

For real this time.

I'm sure if I dig back through this blog I'd find this exact post. I try working out, doing a couch 25K or yoga and I'm raring to go for all of three weeks. Then no more. 

I've mentioned Ryan has been on a major work out and healthy eating kick for awhile now. For over a year easily. He's dropped about thirty pounds and looks damn good. I'm his wife, I can say it!! With the clean eating at home I'd honestly sneak junk outside of his view. Candy in my desk at work, stops for fast food, pizza at rehearsals... It happened a lot. 

So when he got back from deployment and asked me to really start going to the gym with him I balked. A lot. I'm not an exercise person by any means. But eventually I came around. He promised not to push me too hard, as he has done in the past, and to help me when I need it. 

Last Saturday was my first day in the gym. Weightlifting is my newest attempt. It's hard but I loathe cardio so hopefully this will be better. I'm doing squats (which my form sucks since I can't bend right really but I'm trying to improve), bent over rows, dead lifts, bench press, inclined bench press, lat pull downs and a small ab circuit with leg lifts, sit ups and planks. 

Saturday night we drove down to Wilmington solely to get chipotle (worth it, even if we had to nap in the truck for an hour since we both were so sickeningly full) and then went ice skating. On real ice, not the plastic kind!! 

Needless to say Sunday I cried trying to get out of bed. I was so sore. My legs hurt from the gym and then ice skating that night even though I stretched before bed. Monday my arms hurt so bad I could barely straighten them. I tried to stretch all day at work and slept with my arms straight as I could that night. Tuesday I went back to the gym. 

And I already improved. I went up in weight (not body, what I can lift) and today I wasn't that sore. A bit. But not agony. I then even did a 45 minute yoga work out when I got home. We go back to the gym Friday. Well, I go back. Ryan goes almost daily. 

We're eating healthier and for once I have no desire to cheat. The candy drawer at work has stayed closed, the chocolate covered Oreos are still on our kitchen counter, and I haven't cheated once. I'm drinking a lot of water from my new water bottle and I haven't had more than a sip of diet coke in days. Days. I usually have two or more a day. That's huge. I'm sleeping more and hydrating and I'm really trying. 

Because I don't like how I look at the moment. I know I'm out of shape and I hate seeing my reflection sometimes. I'm tired of pulling my back out. I'm tired of sucking in my stomach. I'm tired of my own reflection not meeting my eyes. I want to change it. 

It's hard. Sometimes I really hate it. But I'm really really trying this time. It's not a diet and gym binge, it's a lifestyle. It's my health and my body. And I'm ready for it to change. For the better. 

Let's do it.