Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Deployments!

I saw that bumper sticker on a fellow Marine girl's site and I had to use it. Because it is so true. I don't know if I have really talked about how much Ryan being deployed is really awful. Yes I have complained a little and said they suck, but I never took the time to put an emotional thought or feeling behind it, suddenly I kind of feel the need to try.

To sum it up, they suck. Easy assumption and oh so true. Having the person you love the most be so far away is heartbreaking. For about fourteen months I was so spoiled. I could call him whenever I wanted, yes if he was working I would miss him, but I could leave a voicemail. Or even text him. We had a nightly phone call before we went to sleep at night. Nearly every weekend and holiday we spent together. Sometimes even during the week if I didn't have class or he got off work early we'd have that time together. I could fall asleep in his arms, not have to rely on my stuffed dog in one of his old tshirts to have the smell slowly fading away from it. I hate that I cannot talk to him unless he can contact me, and if I am working or out with friends I feel so awful to miss him. I see couples around Disney all the time, holding hands or kissing or just waiting in line together and I get so jealous I swear my eyes turn green. I constantly worry about him and his safety. Any song I hear I can think of him, any movie or tv show we ever watched together makes my heart hurt, There are so many things I just want to tell him as they happen or just hear his opinion on. Days sometimes seem endlessly long because I cannot stop thinking about him or missing him.

My mom told me for years the right guy would come along for me. I went on a few dates, had a bad botched relationship in high school that was barely a blip on the radar, and had a few meaningless hookups... but never met the right guy. I began to honestly think he may not be out there for me, at least night at this point in my life. So I stopped looking. I usually hate it when my Mom is right, but this time was worth it. The instant I stopped caring so much and fretting about being single Ryan walked into my life. Since then he went from being that cute guy at the drama party I had never seen before to the guy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. It is amazing the difference a year can make. I never imagined I would meet someone like Ryan and fall in love so deeply, but I did. And that made him going on this deployment all the more difficult.

I think I have been overly stressing lately for a lot of things. I have tried to thinking beyond Disney. The only reason I will probably stay longer is if I get offered a role in entertainment, but those auditions apparently are not until November. So I can't really plan. With Ryan coming home early I am trying to figure out the future, but it is so overwhelming. Health insurance, benefits, car insurance, rent, jobs, money... I wanted to crawl under my bed and cry. I have been trying to save money here but with my pay not so great it has been hard. I wanted to have a nest egg after this, but it isn't looking likely.

Ryan said I am enough, my love and me is all he needs. But I don't think I can go into a future with him with nothing. It doesn't seem fair. He should not have to support me as well as himself. And that is stressing me out. I cannot look for a new job in DC, since I don't even know where I will be yet. What if Ryan gets stationed in California and I move with him and then he gets deployed again and I am left all alone there?

No wonder I have a headache. Thanks for reading the rambling if anyone did. It's appreciated!