Six to go! I cannot believe a whole month has gone by. Sometimes I feel like he just left yesterday and other times it feels like he has been gone for ages and ages. I just cannot seem to make up my mind! But basically I am 1/7th of the way done with the deployment. That is the first big tick mark, not days or weeks, but an actual month. When he left we had 232 days to go.
Which is why yesterday on our 200 days to go mark it sucks that we had yet another fight.
Of course I cried. It was mainly a very stupid thing when it boiled down to it, isn't it always? Mainly Ryan didn't think we were communicating enough. I had gone out the night before with my cousin and I was going to be out late, so I emailed him his nightly email from her blackberry at the bar, proud of myself for sending him one that he could read before work if he wanted. If I waited til I got home he wouldn't have had one. I had two drinks with her and was done drinking anything at all by midnight. Then my cousin and I were up talking til almost 3am. Turns out we get along really well and can talk pretty easily, something we never really realized since we don't get to see one another too often.
Which is why yesterday on our 200 days to go mark it sucks that we had yet another fight.
Of course I cried. It was mainly a very stupid thing when it boiled down to it, isn't it always? Mainly Ryan didn't think we were communicating enough. I had gone out the night before with my cousin and I was going to be out late, so I emailed him his nightly email from her blackberry at the bar, proud of myself for sending him one that he could read before work if he wanted. If I waited til I got home he wouldn't have had one. I had two drinks with her and was done drinking anything at all by midnight. Then my cousin and I were up talking til almost 3am. Turns out we get along really well and can talk pretty easily, something we never really realized since we don't get to see one another too often.
Then my phone rings at 8am (I am at my aunt Kathy's remember) and it is Amy, Ryan's mom, saying he was online. So I get up and find my aunt's laptop and start talking to him. Kathy coems down around 9am for work and I start talking to her too, then my stomach gets really churny. Typical sour stomach. After I got really sick last year (lost 15lbs in about 2 weeks) my stomach has never been the same. So I run to throw up and Kathy talks to Ryan. I know we were having a serious talk, but I couldn't help it. I had to. He then told me to go back to sleep when I got back and feel better.
I was up sick for another hour. Threw up more. Then finally around 11am I guess I passed out until 1. I felt better when I woke up and my cousin and I just hung out at the house a bit watching the Yankee game. Then I showered and we went to get lunch, which for me was basically a bagel as I did not trust my stomach, and then I drove home. I got home around 4:30pm and I went online and Ryan was on! Then the fight began. Basically what was fought about, discussed, or was mentioned is as follows...
-I was inconsiderate for emailing him a short email from the bar
-I should have emailed him when I woke up after being sick so he knew I was ok.
-He accused me of being too hungover to talk to him. Which is awful since he knows I have no tolerance nor do I ever lie to him, both of which he basically said I did.
-I was making things too much about me.
-I was not being sensitive to what he needed.
-I don't listen or understand.
-And I was pissing him off.
So there was a lot of him yelling at me, aka Caps and exclamation points. Cat called me in the middle of it when I was in tears and I felt awful for answering my phone at all but I was worried it was something from my old job (the lights one) so I had to make sure. But we fought like that for an hour. Then it finally came out he needed to talk to me and he was hurt that I was running off a lot and he knew once I start work at Disney our communication will suffer and he wanted this week to talk to me.
It finally came down to that he approached the subject poorly, he over reacted, he should not have yelled at me, and he was so sorry.
Simply? I thought talking to him nearly every day was an amazing thing. To him it was not enough. And he didn't tell me that well and other things came up, but that was what it boiled down to.
Then we talked normally for an hour even though it was almost 2am for him by the time we were done. I hope this post does not make him sound like a bad guy, because he isn't. Being in Iraq is really starting to get to him and us being apart is hard. We're both winging it as it is our first deployment. Today we talked for over an hour again and everything was great. We did the "What if?" game, not too seriously, but my favorite one was...
2:21pm Ryan
so what if...
what if i bought you a ring and asked you to be my wife and the ring was ugly as hell. lol
2:23pm Allie
i'd say yes then march your sorry behind back to the jewelry store with me to exchange it!
2:23pm Ryan
lol
well what would you pick out?
2:24pm Allie
what do you think i would pick out?
2:25pm Ryan
idk a white band. a round cut maybe. four prongs.
2:26pm Allie
im not picky, just not yellow gold for the band. a plain band. cut could be round or square. not picky on prongs
2:26pm Ryan
what about karat?
2:27pm Allie
sweetie i dont know the difference between a karat and a carrot
2:27pm Ryan
lol
I was up sick for another hour. Threw up more. Then finally around 11am I guess I passed out until 1. I felt better when I woke up and my cousin and I just hung out at the house a bit watching the Yankee game. Then I showered and we went to get lunch, which for me was basically a bagel as I did not trust my stomach, and then I drove home. I got home around 4:30pm and I went online and Ryan was on! Then the fight began. Basically what was fought about, discussed, or was mentioned is as follows...
-I was inconsiderate for emailing him a short email from the bar
-I should have emailed him when I woke up after being sick so he knew I was ok.
-He accused me of being too hungover to talk to him. Which is awful since he knows I have no tolerance nor do I ever lie to him, both of which he basically said I did.
-I was making things too much about me.
-I was not being sensitive to what he needed.
-I don't listen or understand.
-And I was pissing him off.
So there was a lot of him yelling at me, aka Caps and exclamation points. Cat called me in the middle of it when I was in tears and I felt awful for answering my phone at all but I was worried it was something from my old job (the lights one) so I had to make sure. But we fought like that for an hour. Then it finally came out he needed to talk to me and he was hurt that I was running off a lot and he knew once I start work at Disney our communication will suffer and he wanted this week to talk to me.
It finally came down to that he approached the subject poorly, he over reacted, he should not have yelled at me, and he was so sorry.
Simply? I thought talking to him nearly every day was an amazing thing. To him it was not enough. And he didn't tell me that well and other things came up, but that was what it boiled down to.
Then we talked normally for an hour even though it was almost 2am for him by the time we were done. I hope this post does not make him sound like a bad guy, because he isn't. Being in Iraq is really starting to get to him and us being apart is hard. We're both winging it as it is our first deployment. Today we talked for over an hour again and everything was great. We did the "What if?" game, not too seriously, but my favorite one was...
2:21pm Ryan
so what if...
what if i bought you a ring and asked you to be my wife and the ring was ugly as hell. lol
2:23pm Allie
i'd say yes then march your sorry behind back to the jewelry store with me to exchange it!
2:23pm Ryan
lol
well what would you pick out?
2:24pm Allie
what do you think i would pick out?
2:25pm Ryan
idk a white band. a round cut maybe. four prongs.
2:26pm Allie
im not picky, just not yellow gold for the band. a plain band. cut could be round or square. not picky on prongs
2:26pm Ryan
what about karat?
2:27pm Allie
sweetie i dont know the difference between a karat and a carrot
2:27pm Ryan
lol
It is weird to vent in a blog. I feel like I may be portraying Ryan or myself or Us in a bad light, and that is not my intention. I just need to vent every now and then, and I appreciate anyone who reads it and provides any input. This experience is difficult, more so than even I imagined, but thank you Readers. Whoever and wherever you are. Whether you are family, friends, or some fellow USMC_gals, I appreciate you being here!
I feel like you guys should be happy that you even have the opportunity to talk as much as you do online. Every chat should be a blessing, not a fight! Be strong!
ReplyDeleteI do feel that way! I guess that was the main problem, I thought it was amazing we had that chance and he didn't think it was enough! He just went about saying that in a very difficult way.... but thank you for your comment. (:
ReplyDelete